Training my person.

[rivka]

So curiousangel and I joined a gym.

This is so utterly unlike me that I can't even believe I typed the sentence. I'm the one who always had a doctor's note to be excused from gym class. I'm the one who walked with crutches five and a half years ago, and had to give serious thought to whether I was up to walking two city blocks. And while the bionic hip has done me worlds of good, I still have such a feeling of awkwardness and alienation from physical activity that the idea of me voluntarily going somewhere people exercise is just... well. I never would have imagined it.

But we've been trying to stick with the program we started last May, exercising every day, and that's been hard to do in 100-degree heat. And both of us have been feeling like we want to do something besides walking for our exercise time. So here we are with gym memberships. And Tuesday evening, I'll meet for the first time with my personal trainer. (I shake my head in disbelief. Me, Rivka, with a personal trainer.)

I've been thinking about what I'll want her to know about me - because my body and its needs and abilities are, um, pretty complicated and non-standard, and so are my feelings about physical activity. So I've been trying to figure out what needs to be said before we get started. (I'm expecting her to call me Monday night, because I have logistical questions, so I'll probably let her know some of the basic stuff then.) I'm mostly writing this down to clarify things in my head, but you're also welcome to comment or make suggestions if you'd like.


My body.
I have congenital disabilities affecting several major joints and bones. I've had a lot of orthopedic surgery. My orthopedist has cleared me for certain kinds of physical activity, and I've seen one of the physical therapists who works out of this facility. She's willing to consult with you on an exercise program for me, but for the most part I know myself, my limits, and my body's signals. If I shouldn't be doing something you suggest, I'll be able to tell.

My right hip was completely replaced by a prosthetic about five years ago. I had been disabled for long enough beforehand that my right leg is still pretty weak, and I have an unconscious tendency to favor it. My right hip and femur and the right side of my pelvis are full of old breaks, some of which have healed better than others. Sometimes they ache, but in general exercise is not bad for my hip - it seems to help reduce problems with pain and stiffening.

Because of my multiple hip surgeries, my right leg is about an inch shorter than the left leg. I wear orthotics in my shoes to partially correct the difference. I also had scoliosis (curvature of the spine), which was corrected by surgery. My lower spine was partially fused in that surgery and is not very flexible.

My right arm is about half as long as my left arm. The elbow doesn't bend at all, and I have a limited range of motion in the shoulder. I have normal use of my hand and wrist.

I have rosacea, a mild skin condition. This is only relevant because even small amounts of heat or exercise make me flush bright red. It doesn't mean I'm about to have a heart attack.

My fitness level.
I began an exercise program in May, starting out with just a few minutes per day of walking and working up to at least 30 minutes of exercise per day, six days a week. Mostly I've been walking at around 3.5-4 mph over mostly flat ground. I also do English Country Dancing once a week, which is probably about the same level of intensity as ballroom dancing - some of it's fast, some of it's slow. Here in the gym, I've been doing 18 minutes of a hill program on the exercise bike, followed by 8-10 minutes on the elliptical trainer, both with low levels of resistance - and that pretty much takes me to the limits of my capacity. I've also been doing some cross-country hiking - I can comfortably go about 2.5 miles over hilly ground, without resting.

I'm happy with my diet. Right now I'm eating about 50% carbs, 30% fat, 20% protein, with a moderate calorie intake. I eat five servings of fruits and vegetables and two servings of whole grains per day. I eat a lot of fish and drink a lot of water. I'm willing to consider dietary changes for fitness' sake, but I'm not interested in dietary changes aimed at weight loss.

My feelings.
For most of my life, I've dealt with disabilities and chronic pain. I don't have chronic pain anymore, but along with the leftover deconditioned muscles I've got leftover feelings of shame and embarrassment and dislike of my body, which sometimes get in the way of physical activity. I've also got a lot of ingrained habits designed to keep my motions at the absolute minimum - left over from when every movement was painful.

I've spent most of my life thinking of physical exercise as something that I absolutely couldn't do. I feel really weird and out of place at a gym. I'm nervous about working with a trainer, because I'm afraid you'll think I'm ridiculously weak and incapable. Obviously, I'm trying to work through these feelings, and I'm really excited about the progress I've made on my own with walking and hiking. But I want you to know that the feelings are there, and I'm struggling with them.

On the other hand, even small improvements in my strength and endurance are going to be a big deal to me, because I never knew there would be a time when I would start getting better, instead of getting steadily worse.

My goals.
I want to improve my strength, flexibility, and endurance. I don't have any idea how much I'll be able to improve - my doctor told me to do as much as I can tolerate, but I don't think he knows what my upper limits are either. They may not be very much higher than where I am right now, but I want to do what I can. I'm particularly interested in improving my hiking endurance, and in seeing what I can do to develop my upper body strength so I can do more canoeing and kayaking.

Weight loss and an attractively toned body are pretty low down on my priority list. I'm hoping to lose some weight as I generally become more fit, but if we focus on comparing my body to some sort of thin muscular ideal, it's going to trigger body image issues that will interfere with my progress. Shame and trying to be like other people are really, really bad motivators for me.

I can commit to coming to the gym three times a week, and doing at least 30 minutes of exercise outside the gym, like dancing or walking, three times a week. I can commit to working with determination. I can commit to listening to you and taking what you have to say seriously, although I'm also going to be paying close attention to what I know about my own body and its limitations.

Comments

[jenett]

That sounds all very clear and coherent and very exciting.

The only thing I'd suggest is printing out at least the first part (about physical constraints and issues) so she can have a written copy. (Or the whole thing, if you feel like it.)

Re:

[rivka.livejournal.com]

That sounds all very clear and coherent and very exciting.

Exciting and scary. I'm glad it sounds clear and coherent to someone who isn't me.

The only thing I'd suggest is printing out at least the first part (about physical constraints and issues) so she can have a written copy.

That's a good idea. Otherwise, I'm sure I'll just be writing it down for her by hand on whatever intake form they use.

[jenett]

It reads to me like you're very clear about the parts that she might need to ask about . (of course, I'm not the trainer...) and what stuff no one really is sure about limits for, and about the fact that pushing you to reach artifical limits is just a really bad idea for all sorts of reasons.

But yay for you, for doing something scary. r

Exercise

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I've been slowly ramping up on my exercise since February, and I've found it peculiar to change the thinking about myself, from "a person who doesn't exercise" to "a person who exercises." (I use workout tapes, personally--it means I can avoid the whole time and child care issue by getting up and exercising at 5:15, before anyone else is up).

One crucial trick I've discovered: on days when you really, really, REALLY don't want to exercise, tell yourself that you can stop if you just do 10 minutes. Often, once you've started, you'll find you're willing to continue anyway.

Good luck!

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

This doesn't deal with your post directly, and I guess it's more of a general thing that kind of popped into my head while I was reading, and, I don't know, maybe it's the kind of thing that Bill Gawne has already told you. (If not, I'm betting he can confirm this.)

There's a point in time when exercise stops being work, at least when you're not doing heavy training and pushing to your limits, and actually becomes pleasant and fun.

I'm jogging again, and I can do 20 minutes without much stress on my heart or my knee tendons, and I'm already getting there. I start thinking about how it'll be neat to get out and go jogging for a bit. It'll feel good to feel how easy it is to just push my body along the road.

And, I dunno... I guess it's kind of like hearing someone dislikes sex as an unpleasant chore. I want that person to find the right situation where it creates happiness for them. I suppose in a sex drenched culture, it's silly to say "Sex is a bother? It doesn't have to be!", but the culture isn't as exercise drenched as it is sex drenched, so maybe it's not quite as silly to say this.

So, in a sense, I'm sitting here in Kent, hoping you find your way to regular exercise orgasms sooner or later.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

This doesn't deal with your post directly, and I guess it's more of a general thing that kind of popped into my head while I was reading, and, I don't know, maybe it's the kind of thing that Bill Gawne has already told you. (If not, I'm betting he can confirm this.)

There's a point in time when exercise stops being work, at least when you're not doing heavy training and pushing to your limits, and actually becomes pleasant and fun.

*snicker* John, did you really think I wouldn't know about the whole physical-exertion-endorphin-rush thing?

But seriously, even if I hadn't already encountered it in other contexts... yes, I feel a real rush after, say, ten minutes on the elliptical strider. Or a fast two-mile walk to energetic music. And I've also just started feeling more positively disposed towards physical activity in general - seeking out opportunities to do more of it, instead of avoiding it at all costs.

It's good.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

That all looks well organized and well thought out to me. I think your trainer will be impressed, and more importantly, better able to understand where you're going with all this.

[saoba.livejournal.com]

*hug* for taking care of you. I approve.

*hug* for owning your stuff about exercise and putting it into words so clearly.

One suggestion, from my own experience in working out at the gym this year (and *girl* do I *ever* get how weird typing things like that is!) (where was I? Oh yes...) don't focus on what you can't do or can't improve. Focus on what you can do, on what does work. A lot of folks who go to gyms are so worried about what people will think or how many reps someone else can do they lose sight of their own process.

You have a pretty good grasp of what you want to accomplish by working out. You're clear about what you want to tell your trainer. *hug* Now just sit there and bask for a moment in this fact... You, Rivka, are more fit and strong than you were when we met. You are a person with a gym membership and a trainer! You rock.

Barbara, who notes that being another person who has come late to the know-your-body thing, she is more than willing to talk about this by phone or email.

[cattitude.livejournal.com]

Go for it!

I astonished myself three years ago by joining a gym and sticking with it. I did it because the surgeon who had just repaired my back told me that either I would exercise or I would see him again. So far, I haven't seen him again. Truly, pain is the great teacher.

I've got some advice, learned from experience, about how to deal with your trainer.

First, if you don't respect your trainer after three sessions, DITCH HER! Ditch her without a second thought or a backward glance. Try someone else. I tend to bend over backwards to avoid hurting peoples' feelings. I wound up spending several months and far too much money with an ineffective trainer because I didn't fire her early. Remember that you, your body, is the whole point behind these exercises. Selfishness is the only honest way to go here. If it's not working for you, it's not working, period.

Second, tell your trainer the whole truth. If you said you were planning to do 30 miniutes on a bicycle every other day, but only managed 20, say so. You can only benefit from accurate information; incorrect information can't do you any good. This seems obvious, but is difficult to put into practice. Everyone's got pride; everyone lies to look better.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

That's a great summary. Very clear and well thought out. It's awesome that you're so clear on what your goals, limits, and "buttons" are - it's clear you've really spent time thinking about the way you relate to your body, in a way that most people don't. Of course, you've had reasons to have to think about it that other people haven't had, but it's still amazing to read.

Reading your post is really making me want to get back into exercising. Well, I'm about to go to Worldcon - I'll be walking at least 30 minutes a day there! Then I just need to find a way to keep it up when I get back from vacation!

[elisem.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, even small improvements in my strength and endurance are going to be a big deal to me, because I never knew there would be a time when I would start getting better, instead of getting steadily worse.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I get what you mean there, o excellent Rivka.

Any success in an area formerly out of reach is... an amazingly wonderful thing, a feeling impossible to explain to anybody who's never experienced the absence of possibility. (I don't mean people who haven't experienced success in a certain area, or who were afraid to, or similarly counter-motivated. I mean people who could not, rather than would not.)

Sorry if I seem really vehement here, but I just really really really want to say that I understand what you mean here. And I know that it can be a good idea for people to keep in mind sometimes that setting up competitions with themselves or striving for improvement can be counter-productive -- but if improvement itself has been off-limits, and you now have a chance to reach for some and get it for pretty much the first time in your life in this particular realm, the physical realm, and you want to go for being able to do three more minutes of walking without being winded or having muscle shakes or whatever the benchmark is, I will cheer you on with utter shameless abandon. (If you said you wanted to run a marathon in three months' time, I'd ask you some questions about it, but I don't think you're likely to be unrealistic in your hopes and goals. It sounds much more to me like you are cautiously testing your new, um, Un-Seekrit Rivka Powers to see how this stuff goes now that your body and your situation have changed a bit, and it sounds to me like you are being very sensible and moderate. I say have a blast, and more power to ya!)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

(If you said you wanted to run a marathon in three months' time, I'd ask you some questions about it, but I don't think you're likely to be unrealistic in your hopes and goals.

In mid-October (prime fall foliage viewing season), my county's Parks & Recreation department is leading a five mile hike (http://www.co.ho.md.us/recparks/rpout.htm#Hikes) up Sugarloaf Mountain (http://www.wam.umd.edu/~pkflick/690/sugar.html). It looks like moderate gains in elevation - nothing awful. I'm not sure enough that I'll be able to walk five miles to actually register for the hike, but I'm thinking about it.

good on you!

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

Gooooooooooo RIVKA!!!

awsome :)

i hate gyms, personally. i do better with classes in something (like Tai Chi, Yoga, Judo, etc.).

i used to work with a guy who was a personal trainer. he was awsome and really well trained. he was constantly arguing with our manager that she shoudl eat more, and that 4% bodyfat was NOT OK for a woman, and that if she didn't get back up to at LEAST 15% she was going to cause irrrevocable damage to her reproductive system.

anyway, if your trainer doesn't seem to be listening to you and your very valid concerns, dump them. they'll only damage you. if you don't like zir, try talking to the physical therapist and getting a recommendation from zir on who *would* make a good personal trainer for you.

good luck! i feel really proud of you :) not that i had anything to do with it, but you know ... :)

Re: good on you!

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Gooooooooooo RIVKA!!!

awsome :)

*beam* Thanks. This cheerleading section is exactly what I need right now.

i hate gyms, personally. i do better with classes in something (like Tai Chi, Yoga, Judo, etc.).

I would like to study Tai Chi someday, but in general I'm dubious about taking classes because I'd need to be constantly adapting the instructions, and because I'd worry about keeping up. Maybe if I develop more strength and flexibility through an individual program I'll feel more comfortable signing up for a class. I know that Tai Chi is something often done by elderly people, so hopefully it should be within my eventual ability range.

For me, the best exercise is hiking. It's an individual activity, I can do it at my own pace, and it's got intrinsic rewards like beautiful views. I just got myself a great pair of stompy hiking boots, and I'm busy breaking them in on my evening walks. But of course, you can't exactly go hiking every day. Certainly not in 100-degree weather, or in the pouring rain.

I think the gym will work for me, not because it's exciting, but because I can go at my own pace and not worry about keeping up with others.

Re: good on you!

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

I would like to study Tai Chi someday, but in general I'm dubious about taking classes because I'd need to be constantly adapting the instructions, and because I'd worry about keeping up. Maybe if I develop more strength and flexibility through an individual program I'll feel more comfortable signing up for a class. I know that Tai Chi is something often done by elderly people, so hopefully it should be within my eventual ability range.

i think if you are already hiking and walking, you can do Tai Chi. it's very slow. and if you can't do certain things, there's always adaptations that can be done. the other nifty thing about it is that most instructors tend to be pretty... mellow people :) they usually will have different levels together. when you are first starting out, they'll often split the class, or take you off alone for a bit, and have you just do the first move for the first 15 minutes or half hour of class. and then the next class you learn the second move. the first move, BTW, consists of standing and raising one's arms to about shoulder height, then back down to waist height, and then back up, four times.

but, please don't feel pressured by my babbling. i'm a total Tai Chi addict. i love it. i think everyone should do it :) i also have that seen a lot of people who thought they couldn't, can. in fact, i've had classed where folks who had full casts on their legs still came in and did their Tai Chi. and the stuff they coudlnt do, well the teacher just gave them special exercises.(like me, when i hurt my leg, my teacher gave me special chi raising exerceises/meditations to help heal it.)

the other cool thing about it is that if it hurts at all, then you're doing it wrong, or your not ready for it. gentle. slow. these are the catch words for it.

if you ever feel like you want to explore it, but are still nervous, there's always Chi Gung. which is the predecessor of Tai Chi, and is even *slower* and *gentler*. Chi Gung consists of about eight moves all together. you learn a move each class. someteims you spend an entire class on one move. the first move the Tai Chi form is one of the eight Chi Gung moves. the other seven are pretty similar to that first one! :)

I think the gym will work for me, not because it's exciting, but because I can go at my own pace and not worry about keeping up with others.

perfect then :D

YAY!