Old reactions die hard.

[rivka]

Four and a half years later, I should not be breaking out in a cold sweat.

I just got e-mail from one of my old west coast connections, with whom I visited at alt.polycon 7. She says that she visited Portland last August, and talked with my ex:


Laine was there, in a good mood and pretty good health. At one point in
the afternoon, I told her [] and I had had lunch with you, and that
you'd asked after her. She frowned and asked why you'd asked. I said,
because you still care about her, want to know how she's doing, and hope
that you might be friends again some day. I said that telling her about
the conversation with you was entirely my idea, not yours, and that it had
not seemed to me at any time during the conversation that you were trying
to send her messages through me, and that I hadn't checked with you before
talking to her (I am saying this badly; she didn't ask me whose idea it
was, either; it seemed to me to be important to say that you weren't
sending a message, that what was going on was me meddling or gossiping
rather than anything else).

She said if I talked with you about her again I should mention that she
was looking particularly cute (she was, in fact). She said she'd be
willing to consider future friendship with you if you'd talk with her
about the breakup face to face, not over the phone. That part seemed to
me to be an intentional message, which I suppose I should have been
expecting on initiating the conversation, but I wasn't.

I've hesitated passing this on in largest part because I'm rather sorry I
started, but having done so, it seems wrong not to let you know. I poked
the situation, and I should not have done that.


I feel sick to my stomach. It's already been in the back of my mind, with this trip to Portland coming up: what if I run into Lane? What would I do if I saw her? (Well, hide. But what would I do if she saw me?)

Augh. Maybe the fact that I'm so agitated about this means that I ought to talk with her. Obviously the ugliness of our relationship and its end has never really settled for me, or I wouldn't feel this way now. At the time that we broke up, I was still caught up in the mindset that I needed to protect her and shield her. So I didn't say anything about the time she...

Jesus.

I don't know.

[] was wrong. I didn't ask about her because I want to be friends with her. I asked about her because she still holds a sick fascination for me. Because I used to feel that I was responsible for what happened to her, right down to whether she lived or died. And old habits die hard. But Jesus, I wish I'd never said anything.

Comments

[ailbhe]

If you don't want to be friends with her, my advice is Just Ignore It. Take some deep breaths, eat some chocolate, delete the disturbing email, and forget it.

Oh, and be very wary of posting private email publically...

[jenett]

Oh, blech. I know the feeling about that kind of situation. (Though I don't really want to talk about it in public space - if you'd like me to email you about it, let me know. And it's not the 'felt responsible' for thing, it's something else. But a lot of similar emotions.)

I can understand asking. I don't think that having asked, it obligates you to do anything further about it, though, other than perhaps clarifying the 'I didn't really want to pick up the friendship again, just wanted to ask' thing to the mutual friend.

Anyway, sympathy and agreement that it's an icky situation.

[firecat]

I can understand asking. I don't think that having asked, it obligates you to do anything further about it

I agree with Gwynyth.

Also, FWIW, if I were someone's ex, I would not want to meet with them again if what they felt about me was "sick fascination." (Not that there is something horribly wrong with feeling that; I just don't think it's a particularly good reason for meeting someone.)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, I never said I wanted to meet her. That was []'s construction of what I must have meant by asking after her. I really don't ever want to see her again - she was so bad for me, in so many ways, and I don't think I was good for her either.

I was wondering whether I ought to, to lay demons at rest - and also because she complained that she never got closure, because we were 2000 miles apart when it ended and we never saw each other face to face again. But I think that a meeting would only stir up old pain.

What value of 'friend' and 'see' are we talking about?

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

I think the subject might actually say what needs to be said.

"I'd like to be friends again" can mean "I don't want to have to be afraid you'll murder me someday, and maybe, if I have leftover holiday cards, I'll send you one".

"See each other" can mean "five minutes in a a coffee shop, then parting forever, but satisfied"

Let me be my traditional arrogant self, and mention that the real question might be "what is it that you're afraid of?", as in, that she'll love you, that she'll hate you, that she'll care about you, but the wrong way, or not enough, or that she'll hate you the wrong way or not enough, or what.

It sounds like she's not about to be sucked into your gravity well, so it's safer on the "what if she still loves me?" side than it might be. But even when you think you've put someone out of your life, and think you're ready for the pain of a full frontal emotional assault, it can still hurt, and, IIRC, she hurt you with the one just after the breakup.

But if you know you're afraid of anger or hatred or just plain 'attacking', if it happens, you can be ready for it, and handle it better than you might have.

HUGS

[ororo.livejournal.com]

From the report your friend gave you, it sounds like Lane gets a bit of a kick from pushing your buttons. Doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be friends with, never mind have a cconversation about relationships.

Were you looking for advice, I'd say don't talk to her until you can be reasonably confident that you'll be able to get what you need from the convo. I've learned from experience that sometimes we have to make our own closure.

*HUGS* Call or email if you want to talk more on it.

*hug*

[saoba.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, that sounds hard and upsetting. I remarked somewhat waspishly after a recent pagan thing we went to that being poly increases the odds on you having to be civil to an evil ex.

I will say that when one of the evil exes came to see me and made vague 'apology' noises and tried to suggest we could still be friends you gave me some really really good advice about not putting my hand back in that beartrap.

Call me if you need to talk. Collect even.

*hug*

[redbird]

You don't need to go there: you're not responsible for her. I won't say "forget this happened," because you can't, but walk away, don't ask about her again, you have enough things that are yours to worry about, and to do well.

You're cute too, you know.