Old reactions die hard.
Oct. 25th, 2001 07:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaFour and a half years later, I should not be breaking out in a cold sweat.
I just got e-mail from one of my old west coast connections, with whom I visited at alt.polycon 7. She says that she visited Portland last August, and talked with my ex:
Laine was there, in a good mood and pretty good health. At one point in
the afternoon, I told her [] and I had had lunch with you, and that
you'd asked after her. She frowned and asked why you'd asked. I said,
because you still care about her, want to know how she's doing, and hope
that you might be friends again some day. I said that telling her about
the conversation with you was entirely my idea, not yours, and that it had
not seemed to me at any time during the conversation that you were trying
to send her messages through me, and that I hadn't checked with you before
talking to her (I am saying this badly; she didn't ask me whose idea it
was, either; it seemed to me to be important to say that you weren't
sending a message, that what was going on was me meddling or gossiping
rather than anything else).
She said if I talked with you about her again I should mention that she
was looking particularly cute (she was, in fact). She said she'd be
willing to consider future friendship with you if you'd talk with her
about the breakup face to face, not over the phone. That part seemed to
me to be an intentional message, which I suppose I should have been
expecting on initiating the conversation, but I wasn't.
I've hesitated passing this on in largest part because I'm rather sorry I
started, but having done so, it seems wrong not to let you know. I poked
the situation, and I should not have done that.
I feel sick to my stomach. It's already been in the back of my mind, with this trip to Portland coming up: what if I run into Lane? What would I do if I saw her? (Well, hide. But what would I do if she saw me?)
Augh. Maybe the fact that I'm so agitated about this means that I ought to talk with her. Obviously the ugliness of our relationship and its end has never really settled for me, or I wouldn't feel this way now. At the time that we broke up, I was still caught up in the mindset that I needed to protect her and shield her. So I didn't say anything about the time she...
Jesus.
I don't know.
[] was wrong. I didn't ask about her because I want to be friends with her. I asked about her because she still holds a sick fascination for me. Because I used to feel that I was responsible for what happened to her, right down to whether she lived or died. And old habits die hard. But Jesus, I wish I'd never said anything.
I just got e-mail from one of my old west coast connections, with whom I visited at alt.polycon 7. She says that she visited Portland last August, and talked with my ex:
Laine was there, in a good mood and pretty good health. At one point in
the afternoon, I told her [] and I had had lunch with you, and that
you'd asked after her. She frowned and asked why you'd asked. I said,
because you still care about her, want to know how she's doing, and hope
that you might be friends again some day. I said that telling her about
the conversation with you was entirely my idea, not yours, and that it had
not seemed to me at any time during the conversation that you were trying
to send her messages through me, and that I hadn't checked with you before
talking to her (I am saying this badly; she didn't ask me whose idea it
was, either; it seemed to me to be important to say that you weren't
sending a message, that what was going on was me meddling or gossiping
rather than anything else).
She said if I talked with you about her again I should mention that she
was looking particularly cute (she was, in fact). She said she'd be
willing to consider future friendship with you if you'd talk with her
about the breakup face to face, not over the phone. That part seemed to
me to be an intentional message, which I suppose I should have been
expecting on initiating the conversation, but I wasn't.
I've hesitated passing this on in largest part because I'm rather sorry I
started, but having done so, it seems wrong not to let you know. I poked
the situation, and I should not have done that.
I feel sick to my stomach. It's already been in the back of my mind, with this trip to Portland coming up: what if I run into Lane? What would I do if I saw her? (Well, hide. But what would I do if she saw me?)
Augh. Maybe the fact that I'm so agitated about this means that I ought to talk with her. Obviously the ugliness of our relationship and its end has never really settled for me, or I wouldn't feel this way now. At the time that we broke up, I was still caught up in the mindset that I needed to protect her and shield her. So I didn't say anything about the time she...
Jesus.
I don't know.
[] was wrong. I didn't ask about her because I want to be friends with her. I asked about her because she still holds a sick fascination for me. Because I used to feel that I was responsible for what happened to her, right down to whether she lived or died. And old habits die hard. But Jesus, I wish I'd never said anything.
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no subject
Date: 2001-10-25 07:15 pm (UTC)I was wondering whether I ought to, to lay demons at rest - and also because she complained that she never got closure, because we were 2000 miles apart when it ended and we never saw each other face to face again. But I think that a meeting would only stir up old pain.
What value of 'friend' and 'see' are we talking about?
Date: 2001-10-26 10:23 pm (UTC)"I'd like to be friends again" can mean "I don't want to have to be afraid you'll murder me someday, and maybe, if I have leftover holiday cards, I'll send you one".
"See each other" can mean "five minutes in a a coffee shop, then parting forever, but satisfied"
Let me be my traditional arrogant self, and mention that the real question might be "what is it that you're afraid of?", as in, that she'll love you, that she'll hate you, that she'll care about you, but the wrong way, or not enough, or that she'll hate you the wrong way or not enough, or what.
It sounds like she's not about to be sucked into your gravity well, so it's safer on the "what if she still loves me?" side than it might be. But even when you think you've put someone out of your life, and think you're ready for the pain of a full frontal emotional assault, it can still hurt, and, IIRC, she hurt you with the one just after the breakup.
But if you know you're afraid of anger or hatred or just plain 'attacking', if it happens, you can be ready for it, and handle it better than you might have.