I am the biggest bitch in the world.

[rivka]

Rivka: Good morning.
Health Club Clerk: Oh, good for you, you made it in.
Rivka: [silently wonders why this is news]
Health Club Clerk: [takes membership card to scan] I have a friend, she's got multiple sclerosis, and she blah blah blah.
Rivka: Why are you telling me this?
Health Club Clerk: [says more things about her friend with multiple sclerosis]
Rivka: [slightly louder] Why are you telling me this?
Health Club Clerk: Well... what do you have?
Rivka: That's a personal question. That's none of your business.
Health Club Clerk: Oh. But I just...
Rivka: [firmly] It's a very rude question. [walks away]
Health Club Clerk: [calling after her] I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!
Rivka: [calling back] You didn't "hurt my feelings," you made me angry.
Health Club Clerk: Ma'am, ma'am, please come here. Please accept my apology.
Rivka: [alarmed] Okay, just... okay, don't cry.
Health Club Clerk: [crying] I am going to cry. I've had a really bad day, and...
Rivka: Look, I'm sorry you've had a bad day, but...
Health Club Clerk: Please, please say you accept my apology.
Rivka: Fine. I accept your apology. Okay.

Sheesh.

Comments

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I'm going to take your questions back-to-front, because I think my answers will flow more easily that way.

Is it inappropriate of you to be impressed?

It may or may not be. It's generally inappropriate to assume that, just by existing or doing ordinary activities, a random disabled person has done something impressive - because that depends on the assumption that disabled people normally are helpless, homebound, et cetera. It's as if I said, "It's impressive that you, as a woman, have been able to hold a job in a technical field." You might or might not find that personally irksome, but either way, you can probably see how some techie women would be offended.

Many - but not all - disabled people will feel annoyed if you're all impressed about some aspect of their normal, everyday life. So if you know someone well enough to know what their normal life is like, you're in a much safer position in terms of commenting on something that actually is impressive for that person. Like, "Wow, Rivka, a five-mile hike? That's quite an accomplishment!" versus "Wow, Rivka, you actually manage to work full-time? I'm really impressed."

What do you say when she comes in? Do you never tell her that you admire her overcoming her obstacles, because there is no way to do that without acknowledging that it is harder for her to work out than it is for others?

See, here's the thing. We're talking about me, right? And it's not, in fact, harder for me to complete my exercise program than it is for other people to complete their exercise programs. My program may be different, but it's not harder.

I've got a well-chosen workout routine - weights, exercise bike/elliptical trainer, water aerobics - that improves my physical conditioning without exacerbating my disability. I don't get my heart rate up any higher than you do when you exercise, and I'm probably not any more tired or sore afterwards. Regular exercise improves my mobility, just as it does for nondisabled people. So it would, in fact, be an incorrect assumption to think that I'm "overcoming obstacles" by exercising.

How are you, the hypothetical person at the gym, supposed to know that? You're not - you're just not supposed to assume. If you have some compelling reason for wanting to know (for example, a disabled friend you'd like to encourage to exercise), you can ask, for example:

"Would you mind answering a question or two about your workout routine? ...I'm asking because my friend has MS, and I've been trying to encourage her to go to the gym. Did you find that it was hard to get your workout routine going? Do you have to adapt your program at all? ...How did you know how to do that?" ...but you'd have to be prepared to back off at any point, if the person you're talking to doesn't seem interested in being a disability spokesmodel that day.

Continued in next comment.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right. You should have seen my reaction when my High School guidance counsellor wrote in my college recommendation letter that I was remarkable because as a girl I had excelled at trumpet and done well at math.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Oh my God. Did you let him live?

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

He also told me I was wasted on college, and should just settle down and get married to a nice young man and start a family.

I'm honestly amazed he didn't get sued.

I just had my principle write my recommendations from then on out. But he was really astonishingly, um, astonishing. You should ask wiredferret about him. Her stories are even better!

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. He wanted me to either get married or join the Navy. And certainly not go away to college.

I'm pretty sure that my failure to get National Merit can be at least partially attributed to the recommendation that lingered lovingly on my math problems, and skimmed my extracurriculars.