I am the biggest bitch in the world.

[rivka]

Rivka: Good morning.
Health Club Clerk: Oh, good for you, you made it in.
Rivka: [silently wonders why this is news]
Health Club Clerk: [takes membership card to scan] I have a friend, she's got multiple sclerosis, and she blah blah blah.
Rivka: Why are you telling me this?
Health Club Clerk: [says more things about her friend with multiple sclerosis]
Rivka: [slightly louder] Why are you telling me this?
Health Club Clerk: Well... what do you have?
Rivka: That's a personal question. That's none of your business.
Health Club Clerk: Oh. But I just...
Rivka: [firmly] It's a very rude question. [walks away]
Health Club Clerk: [calling after her] I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!
Rivka: [calling back] You didn't "hurt my feelings," you made me angry.
Health Club Clerk: Ma'am, ma'am, please come here. Please accept my apology.
Rivka: [alarmed] Okay, just... okay, don't cry.
Health Club Clerk: [crying] I am going to cry. I've had a really bad day, and...
Rivka: Look, I'm sorry you've had a bad day, but...
Health Club Clerk: Please, please say you accept my apology.
Rivka: Fine. I accept your apology. Okay.

Sheesh.

Comments

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

It's really hard for people without disabilities to know how to react to people who do. You don't want to just ignore their difference, you definitely don't want to ignore them, but you also don't want to do what this clerk did.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have about how to handle various situations, and I suspect that some of the many other disabled people on my Friends list would probably be willing to weigh in as well.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

So you're the person at the gym. You have a friend who has MS, so you know how difficult it can be for someone with disabilities to work out. There's this woman who comes in whom you admire for her persistence, and who you are seeing more clearly because of a talk you just had with your friend. And she's cute to boot. You want to tell her how you admire her. What do you say when she comes in? Do you never tell her that you admire her overcoming her obstacles, because there is no way to do that without acknowledging that it is harder for her to work out than it is for others? Is it inappropriate of you to be impressed?

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

May I also take advantage of this offer?

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

aw, man. sucks to have made her cry, sucks to have had her be so rude in the first place.

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

Gah.

They'll let anyone deal wth the public these days.

[geminigirl]

Sheesh.

When I was a kid, we were told repeatedly "don't stare"-and it seems to me that she did the equivalent. It's like..."Boundary violation-ten point penalty."

Her behavior really crossed the line and was inappropriate. You weren't being a bitch...you were responding to someone's inappropriate behavior. I hope you spoke to a supervisor/manager about it-bad day or not.

Don't stare

[trinker.livejournal.com]

The biggest persistent complaint I get from my friends who use wheelchairs is that they become invisible. My theory is that they're getting the wrong end of "don't stare", where people deal with their urge to stare by going 180 and not staring, which means that they're not making eyecontact at all.

I really wish standard education included a unit on "dealing with others", with some sensitivity training, and also some concept of "one disability does not imply all disabilities".

Re: Don't stare

[lizardling.livejournal.com]

Yep. I've had the "Not Here" thing happen to me often enough that I've developed a twitch when it comes to making eye contact with people. Figures, eh? :)

I've had people come up to me and a friend when we were chatting in sign, and immediately the people start asking my friend about sign language. *Not* me. Pfeh.

One of the better compliments that I got, now that I think about it, was when I'd done some role model speeches for a minority student program. So the coordinator asked me to come the next year, saying that the students had asked for me again since I was "the lady with the blue hair". And not "the deaf lady". (I'd had electric blue extensions in my waist length hair at the time, and was the only disabled speaker)

[ororo.livejournal.com]

I think she meant well and acted in ignorance. I'm sure she won't attempt anything like it ever again.

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

It was terribly inappropriate. But I do sort of feel sorry for her. She may have been clueless, and stupid, and rude, but she was not malicious.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

She may have been clueless, and stupid, and rude, but she was not malicious.

This is why I feel guilty for being bitchy.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

It isn't clear to me that you were bitchy. You didn't say anything about tone of voice, but the content comes through as clear, communicative, and responsive. (And angry. In my book, angry isn't the same as bitchy.)

[saoba.livejournal.com]

Her friend has MS.

She, on the other hand has MLC (Massive Lack of Clueness) and OTTS (Over The Top Syndrome). However, with appropriate treatment and a lot of hard work on her part, one day she may be able to lead a nearly normal life.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

Wow. They're everywhere these days, aren't they?

-J

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Partly it seems that way because, the more of them I run into, the shorter my fuse becomes.

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

Sheesh is right.

But you already know that no one teaches manners anymore.

B

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

It sounds like someone freaked out by visible physical problems, who is still too wrapped up in "not doing the wrong thing" to realize that she's being super-self-conscious (which comes across as "It's all about MEEEE!", even though it's not intentional), and probably condescending, or... or something.

She's trying to show how much she *cares* about folks with disabilities by talking about her friend with MS, because, geez, you must notice how she *feels* (Note: *HER* perception is that you must notice how she feels, since it's so obvious... to her. When feelings are huge inside you, it feels like there's a flipping *BILLBOARD* over your head, sometimes), nervous and a little freaked out, and she doesn't want you to think she *dislikes* people who have disabilities, or whatever.

You're definitely not the biggest bitch in the world; you weren't being a bitch at all. (Just in case you weren't completely joking out that.) She was just (I'm guessing) wound tighter than an overwound clockspring over something that you don't have any control over. It's not your fault. It's a shame she's freaked out, but, in the end, that's something she's going to have to deal with on her own.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

That was incredibly rude and inappropriate behavior. If I were you, I'd probably write a letter to the management, politely observing that that sort of intrusive conversation is not acceptable. And tears would have had no effect on me.

[perigee.livejournal.com]

Yay! You remind me of my Mom! This is a good thing, by the way. Heck, you remind me of my grandmother, which is also a compliment. :>

[trinker.livejournal.com]

If nothing else, it sounds like you've managed to get across to her that she doesn't get to tag you with sainthood. (She probably got a lot more out of it besides, but what a thing to have to deal with during a workout -- there ought to be "ambassador/tokenizing-free zones".)

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

No, you're not.

I've had variations on this kind of conversation. We live in a confessional age, and lots of people don't seem to believe in privacy.

There are a number of things, because of what I do, which people ask me... some (like what kinds of torture I prefer/think work best) get a fairly stock, and more polite/educational/lecturing, than not, answer.

Some get, "That's none of your business." It is amazing to me the number of people who then tell me it is.

Admittedly, at that point they aren't trying to be friendly... but even if they were, that doesn't excuse it.

If she wanted to apologise, she needed to know that it might be painful... she assumed she hurt your feelings (why she thinks her presumption is going to do anything other than annoy/anger you, I've no idea... but then I happen to be a fan of letting people be, and never know what to do about asking after friends disabilities, much less strangers... at Walter Reed it was easy... we had something in common, but outside of that... sheesh) she had to be willing to face those feelings, or just let you walk away.

I'm sorry she had a bad day. I'm sorry her pissing you off made it worse, but she did it. It wasn't your fault she was rude, and it wasn't wrong to tell her so.

TK

[edschweppe.livejournal.com]

Well, first off, I'd have to say that there's nothing in the main narrative to support the claim that you're "the biggest bitch in the world". Heck, I don't see anything to support your claiming to be any grade of bitch. The Health Club Clerk of Cluelessness asked you personal questions in a remarkably rude way. You became angry, and told her so in what I'd call an entirely appropriate manner. She then tried to ram her "apologies" down your throat and you accepted them. Personally, I think Miss Manners (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/style/columns/missmanners/) [1] would have been proud.

But I wasn't there, so I suppose I'll just have to take your word for it that you're "the biggest bitch in the world". I'd completely forgotten that you'd had hip-replacement surgery until your Respectful of Otters (http://respectfulofotters.blogspot.com/2004_07_01_respectfulofotters_archive.html#109059992550481088) post on the subject. None of your userpics are of an obviously handicapped person, so my mental picture of you didn't include any sort of disability. Maybe you are in fact "the biggest bitch in the world", and I just didn't realize it.

Or maybe not.

[1] FYI, the Washington Post may or may not be requiring a free registration to get at the Miss Manners archives. I'm registered on their site, so I can't easily tell.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Excellent point about the ramming the apology down your throat. Suddenly, her upset, and her,/i> bad day became the issues, and not her rudeness, not her intrusive, badly-phrased questions.

You're a very nice person. And very patient.

Not a public resource

[(Anonymous)]

I have MS and a gym membership--and that doesn't oblige me (or you, in a similar situation) to serve as a public resource on either of those topics, or on the combination thereof.

If friends ask, I'll usually answer. When I got together with an old college friend this Spring, after conversation on other subjects, she hesitantly said "Can I ask you a personal question?" When I said yes, she asked me for hints and advice on what to do, and not do, with/for her cousin who has recently been diagnosed with MS. I gave a few; including "Don't panic", the comment that she was doing the right thing by not expecting her cousin to be a general-purpose MS information resource; and not to burden her cousin with having to reassure other people about her disease. She's newly diagnosed, she needs to be reassured, not to have to reassure everyone she knows.

But she knew that it was a somewhat personal question ("somewhat" because she wasn't asking for details of my symptoms, emotions, or coping strategies), and she was prepared to take "no" for an answer.