Parenting etiquette question.

[rivka]

After story hour at the library, the librarian brings out a bunch of toys and the kids have free play. They're almost all of them under two years old (this is, officially, "story hour for non-walkers," although probably half the group can walk), so there's a fair amount of toy-grabbing that goes on. It's developmentally expected, but parents do tend to intervene if they're trying to work on sharing or if it seems like the robbed kid cares. (Often, at this age, they're just as happy to pick up something else.)

This morning, Alex got hold of a cool toy - a long clear plastic tube with a bunch of jingle bells inside. As she played with it intently, a 17-month-old grabbed it out of her hands. She started to cry.

The other kid's mother and I were both sitting less than two feet away. I waited a minute to see if she would respond, and then I said to the kid, in a friendly and conversational voice, "I think the baby was still playing with that toy. See, she looks sad. Can you give it back to her, please?" I put my hand on the toy and he relinquished it without any kind of struggle or negative reaction. (I wouldn't have taken it from him by force.) I gave it back to Alex, who immediately stopped crying, and the kid wandered off to play with something else.

But his mother seemed offended. "He's just a few months older than she is, you know," she said in an abrupt tone of voice. "He doesn't know not to take things."

"Oh, of course not," I said. "Alex takes other kids' toys all the time. Sometimes kids don't even mind, but if they're upset..."

"Is she your first?" she asked, in what seemed like a wow-are-you-inexperienced tone. I said that she was. She asked how old Alex was, and then said, "so he's... eight months older than she is." That was the end of our conversation. (So much for "only a few months older," anyway.)

My question is, was I wrong to speak directly to her kid about returning the toy? I would never discipline someone else's child, but this seemed more like saying for Alex what she's too young to say for herself. I just kind of expect that, in a group of very young kids, adults will step in to help negotiate social mishaps. I don't expect kids of that age to spontaneously refrain from taking toys from each other. But maybe she felt criticized as a parent? Should I have asked her to intervene, instead?

Comments

[llnaughty.livejournal.com]

what i've sometimes done in the past in similar situations is to deal with my child "hey, here's another toy to play." i'm fairly uncomfortable with strangers and try hard to avoid the potential conflict, but i've always wondered if i'm doing a disservice to my own child just to avoid conflict.

[erbie.livejournal.com]

Well if you are, I'm compensating for you. I'd have done exactly what Rivka did.

I'm so used to just doing that kind of stuff, I actually did something a while back that in retrospect, was probably not the wisest thing to do. We were at an outdoor mall and there were adoptable kitties in a cage. Lots of people were gathered around, including many small kids. I think Bob was about 2 at the time. The booth operator said several times not to let little fingers in the cage, the kitties may bite them, etc. I was squatting down with Bob, with my arms around her, holding her hands and talking to the kitties. Another kid around the same age was standing right next to us and her mom was standing up behind her and back a couple feet. Kid stuck her fingers in the cage. I gently reached for her hand and said, in that voice you talk to toddlers in, "Oh no sweetie, kitties might bite" and pulled her hand back a bit. Her mom gave me a dirty look. Oops!

But Rivka, I think you handled it perfectly. You're right that Alex is too young to be able to say those things, so it falls to you to model how things should be. And that's just what you did. You showed Alex how to be assertive and polite, and not to let others trample on her even though she's smaller. That's a very valuable lesson you gave her!

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

I think the cat thing was slightly more serious than the jinglebellstick thing... The toys exchange was more of a societal/values/personality thing, but sticking fingers into an animal's cage is more of a safety question. That mom sounds like she would have reamed you out for rumpling the kid's outfit if you tackled her away a speeding bus, too.

I'm not trying to downplay the original question -- it's not easy to balance adult niceties with helping our kids grow up responsibly and just protecting them in any case. As it is, I encourage/intervene to K to give the toys back if she's taking them from littler kids, and if she takes something from a bigger kid who doesn't try to get it back, I have thanked the bigger kid for being so patient and grown up -- and now, she's getting to the age where *she* says thank you herself.

[erbie.livejournal.com]

As it is, I encourage/intervene to K to give the toys back if she's taking them from littler kids, and if she takes something from a bigger kid who doesn't try to get it back, I have thanked the bigger kid for being so patient and grown up -- and now, she's getting to the age where *she* says thank you herself.

I do the same thing. My dd is 4 1/3, and has been known to take toys from smaller kids and even bigger kids. I never just let it go,e ven if the other parent says it's okay. It may be okay with them if a child takes a toy from theirs, but it's not okay with me if my child is the one doing it. It's part of my parenting philosophy to teach my child to be polite, and not to be a bully, even if the other kid doesn't seem bothered by it.