Parenting etiquette question.

[rivka]

After story hour at the library, the librarian brings out a bunch of toys and the kids have free play. They're almost all of them under two years old (this is, officially, "story hour for non-walkers," although probably half the group can walk), so there's a fair amount of toy-grabbing that goes on. It's developmentally expected, but parents do tend to intervene if they're trying to work on sharing or if it seems like the robbed kid cares. (Often, at this age, they're just as happy to pick up something else.)

This morning, Alex got hold of a cool toy - a long clear plastic tube with a bunch of jingle bells inside. As she played with it intently, a 17-month-old grabbed it out of her hands. She started to cry.

The other kid's mother and I were both sitting less than two feet away. I waited a minute to see if she would respond, and then I said to the kid, in a friendly and conversational voice, "I think the baby was still playing with that toy. See, she looks sad. Can you give it back to her, please?" I put my hand on the toy and he relinquished it without any kind of struggle or negative reaction. (I wouldn't have taken it from him by force.) I gave it back to Alex, who immediately stopped crying, and the kid wandered off to play with something else.

But his mother seemed offended. "He's just a few months older than she is, you know," she said in an abrupt tone of voice. "He doesn't know not to take things."

"Oh, of course not," I said. "Alex takes other kids' toys all the time. Sometimes kids don't even mind, but if they're upset..."

"Is she your first?" she asked, in what seemed like a wow-are-you-inexperienced tone. I said that she was. She asked how old Alex was, and then said, "so he's... eight months older than she is." That was the end of our conversation. (So much for "only a few months older," anyway.)

My question is, was I wrong to speak directly to her kid about returning the toy? I would never discipline someone else's child, but this seemed more like saying for Alex what she's too young to say for herself. I just kind of expect that, in a group of very young kids, adults will step in to help negotiate social mishaps. I don't expect kids of that age to spontaneously refrain from taking toys from each other. But maybe she felt criticized as a parent? Should I have asked her to intervene, instead?

Comments

[jmhm.livejournal.com]

Nope. You were absolutely right. You're out of line when you discipline someone else's child for no other reason than that they're behaving in a way you don't approve of. If they're behaving badly towards your child (and yes, they were, and no, they weren't really old enough to have a grasp of that, which is why they have a mother of their own, who wasn't doing her job) you have every right to gently point out that they have to stop.

There is this bizarre idea that some (less mature or with Issues) parents have that they're somehow doing their child a favor or lessening their own stress by not confronting inappropriate behavior.

Leaving aside the fact that they're not teaching their children what they need to know to get along with other children, and the fact that they're not setting the limits the kids need to feel secure, and the fact that they're going to pay dearly for both of those things in the future, you don't get to opt out of your parental responsibilities and then demand that other parents make allowances for it.

It sounds an awful lot to me like Snatchy Jr. is acting out mom's hostilities for her, but that's not your problem.

It's also not your problem if his mom doesn't like it when someone behaves like a responsible parent toward her child.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

It sounds an awful lot to me like Snatchy Jr. is acting out mom's hostilities for her

It sounds an awful lot to me like Snatchy Jr. is being 17 months old. Parenting style has little to do with toy snatching behavior at that age - toddlers are utterly egocentric.

The other day I was talking to a mom whose little boy and Liam were tussling about a toy piano. The mom was demonstrating great parenting in how she dealt with the conflict, but related to me that her 2 1/2 year old was going through an extreme "MINE" phase. So extreme, in fact, that when they were walking down the sidewalk and some other children came into view, the little guy freaked out and starting yelling "MY sidewalk!"

Toddlers are not rational.

[jmhm.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, I'm not saying he's anything but perfectly normal. They're individuating at that age. They're allowed.

I'm saying that mom appears to think that it's behavior he should be allowed to engage in.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

It's not just toddlers. I'm the only grownup home most of the day in our part of the condo development and I frequently have to step out to mediate arguments between elementary-schoolers.

Rivka, IANAP, but I would have done something similar to what you did.