"Changes don't come easy, they don't come easy to me..."

[rivka]

I came in to work today and had e-mail from my boss. Subject: "Several considerations." Somehow, before even opening it, I knew what it was going to say. The upshot is: she doesn't think it's working out for me to work from home two days a week. And she wants me to see a lot more patients.

I've seen the end of "work from home" coming for a while. When it first loomed on the horizon I was furious and panicked, and thought about quitting. But over time, I've had to concede that I'm not getting enough done. My job is really demanding, and parts of it are falling through the cracks. It is hard for me to see enough patients in the limited time that I'm currently scheduled to be in the clinic. So.

Her initial two suggestions were (1) work in the office 5 days a week, or (2) drop to 80% of my salary and stay home one day a week. We have effected a compromise: I'm going to continue to work at home on Wednesdays, focusing mostly on things like writing and data analysis, but I'll come in to the office on Fridays and do my best to see patients all day long.

I spent the day worried sick that Meaghan (Alex's wonderful sitter/nanny) wouldn't be able or willing to work an extra day, and wondering what the hell we'd do instead. Hire someone else to work one day a week? Look for a new nanny altogether, and deprive Alex of her relationship with Meaghan? Fortunately, when I tentatively broached the subject Meaghan said that she had been thinking that she'd have to get an additional job, and that she'd much rather get more hours at this one. So she'll come on Fridays, beginning the first week of June. We'll afford it somehow.

I'm feeling a little guilty, but I think it's just the ambient guilt that impinges on every working mother. Alex loves Meaghan. Her face lights up when she sees her, even if she does then fling herself into my arms and protest my imminent departure. I'm told that she stops crying as soon as I close the door behind me. She is glad to see me at the end of the day, but not clingy or resentful. She gets one-on-one care from a consistent provider - Meaghan's been taking good care of her since she was three months old. And she'll still have me on Wednesday, Michael on Thursday, and both of us all weekend.

I actually think I'll suffer more than she does. Friday morning is story hour. Every week, Emily and Zoe meet us at our house and we walk to the library together. Before and after the program, I get to hang out with many other mothers, some of whom have become friends. Then Emily and I have lunch while the girls nap. Fridays are a big social part of my week. Meaghan will take Alex to story hour, of course, and to playtime afterward. But when will my playtime be?

Comments

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Well, when Alex is actually awake, I can work for maybe 20 minutes at a time, interspersed with periods of playing with her. She takes a two-hour nap, and I also get work done in the evenings and on weekends. It probably adds up to the right amount of time in a week, but it's not like I can work a full workday on the days that I'm home.

That was another point of friction with my boss, actually. She'd call on a Wednesday or a Friday and want me to do something within the next hour. Not practical at home, although I could usually get it done by turning Sesame Street on.