rivka | (no subject)

Saturday morning, Michael brought Alex up to our bedroom and the two of them climbed in bed with me. She noticed my hospital bracelets right away.

"What's that?"

"That was a bracelet from the hospital. I got very sick yesterday and had to go to the hospital so doctors could take care of me. They put the bracelet on me so that everyone would know who I was."

"Did you ride in a fire truck?"

"You mean an ambulance? No. Papa drove me in the car."

"If you're sick you should ride in an ambulance," she informed me.

She asked some questions about whether different parts of my body hurt. "...What hurts, then?"

"My tummy hurts." I took a deep breath, realizing that this was the time to explain. "Do you remember that we said a baby was growing in a special place in my tummy? There is not going to be a baby. We thought a baby was growing there, but Mama was just sick. I hurt in the place where the baby was supposed to grow. Maybe someday a baby will grow there, but not for a long long time. So that's very sad."

Alex made a little sad noise.

"I know," I said. Michael and I put our arms around her. "We're all sad that there isn't going to be a baby."

"Mama, do you feel better?" she asked.

"I'm a little better, but I'm still sick. I need to rest and lie down a lot today, and I can't pick you up or have you climb on me. In a few days I'll be better."

We set up a signal: I would keep wearing my hospital bracelets to remind her to be gentle with me. When the bracelets came off, it would mean that I could pick her up again.

A couple of hours later, she looked up from playing. "There's not going to be a baby for a long long time?"

"That's right," I said. "Maybe someday, though."

I sent her and Michael off to church by themselves this morning. She turned around at the door and looked earnestly at me. "Mom, get lots and lots of rest."

"Okay, honey. I will."

I thought I would never ever post song lyrics in my journal, but I've had a Meg Barnhouse song on repeat play for the past three days, and it's helping more than I imagined a song possibly could. It's a conversation between her and Julian of Norwich.

All Will Be Well

I said Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand
Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about sorrow?
And Julian, do you not know, do you not know about pain?
I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about hunger
And Julian, do you not know, do you not know about shame?

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about loneliness?
And Julian, do you not know, do you not know about disease?
I said: Julian, do you not know, do you not know about cruelty?
I said: Julian, it's too much - it brought me to my knees.

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

She said: no one does not know, does not know about sorrow
And no one does not know, does not know about pain
She said: no one does not know, does not know about hunger
And no one does not know, does not know about shame

And she said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

She said: no one does not know, does not know about loneliness
And no one does not know, does not know about disease
She said: no one does not know, does not know about cruelty
She said: I know it's too much - it brought me to my knees, where I heard

All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

I said Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand
Julian, you are holy, you are holding my hand (hold my hand)

She said: All will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

She said: Baby girl, do you not know, do you not know about tenderness?
And baby girl, do you not know, do you not know about friends?
And she said baby girl, do you not know, do you not know about the spirit?
She said baby girl, do you not know? it's only love that never ends.

And so all will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

And so all will be well, all will be well
All manner of things will be well.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Alex is such a practical and loving little girl; I always love hearing your stories about her.

I am glad that you are finding comfort.

That's a great song. And Alex is a great kid.

Ah. What a great story and song of life.

That is a great song. And Alex is so sweet.

This is so beautiful.

Well done explaining. You know you're going to have to explain several times, right? It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with what you said before, it just means that this is hard to integrate into a little kid's picture of how the world works.

Yeah.

Just after we told her I was pregnant, she picked out some little board books and set them aside "for the baby." She wouldn't let anyone put them away.

Today she asked me to read them to her, and then said, "The baby will be so excited to have little books!"

"There isn't going to be a baby, remember?" I asked her. "Mama got so sick because there isn't a baby growing inside."

She remembered that I was sick (she keeps checking in about that) but she hadn't worked out that no one would need little board books now. And you know? I'm kind of the same way.

You have such a lovely family. And that is just the perfect song.

You did a much better job of explaining things to Alex than I've ever been able to do with my kids. I can't talk when I get emotional and I cry like a river when I have to talk about sad things to small children. You're a good mommy.

I'll have to hear that song. The lyrics are interesting.

Such a lovely family you have built. I'm proud to know you.

Yes, that :)

N.

Oh, Rivka, I'm so sorry for your loss, layered on so may levels. Peace be with you and yours.

What a terribly hard conversation to have. You were amazingly graceful and handled it wonderfully.

Rivka, I've been off LJ for a few days, so am sorry to come to this so very late. But please accept my deepest sympathy, and I'm so glad you have so many great friends and family to help you.

That song is beautiful. I shall have to listen to it. Bells of Norwich is one of my favorites.

Looks like the conversation with Alex went just about as well as it could possibly go. Her sweet and caring nature is going to be quite helpful in this, I suspect.

I think that conversation with Alex went about as well as it could possibly go, to echo

wcg. Do keep taking good care, Rivka, and know that my thoughts are with you (as are calishar's).

Good girl, Alex.

Alex's loving sweetness makes me tear up.

I am thinking of you constantly. Even if there are moments when tenderness or the spirit or friends seem far away, you are held in our prayers.

Sorry, forgot to sign my comment. Again, sending you tender thoughts.
-Lyn

Thanks for collaborating on the Big Bag Of Distraction. It's been very helpful.

That is very sweet. I already knew Alex was cool, but it's nice to see more evidence of it, and right now when you need it, too.

Good for Alex! I'm glad she handled the explanation so well, considering you'll have to give it again, and I'm glad the song is giving you comfort.

I'm sorry, you have my deepest sympathy, and heartfelt condolence.

I recall my mother having a miscarriage. It's scant comfort now, but the pain will pass. Alex will help.

All will be well.

TK

did i need more cds? noooo. is there a meg barnhouse cd coming to my house now? yes.

*hug*

Meg Barnhouse is awesome.

I wrote to her to thank her for writing "All Will Be Well," and got a very kind e-mail back.

We take our comfort where we can find it; song lyrics often do it for me.

(I'm just home, catching up, and yours was the LJ I came to first. So glad you've got good people surrounding you, and astonished at how well you were able to explain things to Alex - and at her response. She is so very much her mother's daughter.)

I should tell you that several hours before you posted this, Dale had asked if there were any updates. I said no, but that I hoped you were resting, and that I hoped being around Alex would be comforting for you.

And he said, "I'm sure that General Alex will do a fine job of coordinating Rivka's care. 'Rest, Mama.' 'Eat your veggies, Mama.' 'Have some juice, Mama.'"

And you know? It looks like he was right.

I'm so glad you're feeling better, chica. What a scary experience for everyone! It's very good that you have Alex and Mr. Rivka to take care of you and help you get through the whole thing. And of course your flist is hovering over you in the ether, too.

Alex is such good stuff!!!! Glad you're feeling better and are in such good hands.