I am way too young for this conversation with my daughter.

[rivka]

Alex and I were talking about growing up. She plans to grow as big as Sarah who dyed her hair blue (this is the teen we chaperoned at SUUSI), and then stop growing. She was asking how big I am, and how big her father is. Then I asked,

Me: Do you think you'll have a baby grow inside you someday, when you grow up?
Alex: No, I don't want a baby.
Me: You know, that's totally up to you. You don't need to have a baby if you don't really want one.
Alex: But someone might give me a baby. A boy might send some sperm into my uterus.
Me: (utterly dying): Only if you say it's okay. If you don't want a baby, you can say no.
Alex: What if someone wants to, and I don't?
Me: Then you say, 'No. I don't want to.'
Alex: Oh. Okay.

Oh. My. God. I know she doesn't... she doesn't know what she's implying. She really doesn't. But oh my God.

Comments

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

...

Oh my god. And she's HOW old? I can't believe you were so composed when you said it.

And she really listens when you talk to her, and that she can use the vocabulary of conception with such PRECISION...this child will rule the world.

I don't know whether to congratulate you or be very very afraid. :)

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Nod. I think it's just "but how do I know sperm won't get inside me *accidentally*?"

I remember I went through a period of time (back when I thought a vagina was on a woman's hip, not between her legs) that you could have a baby accidentally, by just sleeping cuddled up and, oops, they woke up with his penis in her vagina!

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Congratulations! Your daughter now has better boundaries and better understanding of these matters than Sarah Palin's daughter does!

[pameladean]

I used to think like that, at a much more advanced age than Alex. It had nothing to do with adult notions of force; it was more like there must be some law of nature. It's hard to get your mind around all of how sex works until you get used to the idea. It's really pretty darn weird.

P.

[eeyorerin]

Oh my God, indeed.

When I was a teenager I used to sit for a family who had a little girl about Alex's age who had learned "My body, my choice" from her mom and who used to attempt to use it to win any argument, which led to me saying things like, "Yes, Ginna, it is your body and your choice and I respect your autonomy, but you still have to move your bike out of the driveway so it won't get run over when your mom comes home."

[kightp.livejournal.com]

She doesn't need to know what she's implying. She just needs to know that she gets to be the one who decides who has access to her body. Sounds like you've got that part covered.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

You don't need to have a baby if you don't really want one.
Alex: What if someone wants to, and I don't?
Me: Then you say, 'No. I don't want to.'

How wonderful to be able to have this conversation with a three-year-old, and to have her grow up with all the implied choices and empowerment being fundamental. And someday, maybe her brother will ask questions like those and get those answers too.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I thought the sperm were a vapour phase that could travel through pajamas and air.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's a pretty sobering conversation at any age.

Also? Go you.

[lizzibabe.livejournal.com]

[points to KightP]. You answered exactly what she asked, no more no less. anything more would have been confusing. You are both fantastic! I stand in awe.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

As you might guess, the uterus is a hot topic around these parts lately. We had a prolonged discussion this morning of what would happen if a yellowjacket stung me on the uterus, and whether it would poison the Niblet.

We haven't talked about sperm in a while, though, so I was a little surprised that she understood that part of things at that level.

I don't know whether to congratulate you or be very very afraid.

Frankly, I find her terrifying. Or more accurately, I find being her parent terrifying. I don't know if I ever would've been ready to have this conversation with my daughter, but I certainly wasn't expecting it at THREE AND A HALF.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure she doesn't have the slightest idea about how sex works at all. We have talked and read about how babies grow, and how they start out when a sperm from a man comes together with an egg from a woman and the sperm and egg grow into a ball of cells. How those two things come together seems to be totally uninteresting to her.

And I hope it stays that way a while longer, because, sheesh.

[puzzlement.livejournal.com]

I asked the relevant question at about age six, and then silently tried — and only partially succeeded until I reached puberty — to reconcile myself to the idea that this totally unpleasant sounding experience, contrary to pretty much every taboo I'd picked up, had been part of the vast majority of my adult acquaintances' experiences. It really made me dubious about growing up for a while there.

Fortunately, this didn't leave any lasting mental scars that I am aware of, and even at the time I think I realised it was something I'd understand eventually, but I still have no idea how to explain to a pre-pubertal person that sex could ever actually be something someone would want.

[piqueen.livejournal.com]

I can remember being on holiday and sitting in a rock pool and suddenly noticing there were lots of little tiny fishes and getting up in a panic, guilt-stricken, wondering if I'd get pregnant. *blushes*

So she may be more amazed that she has the capacity to have a baby and worried that it will happen 'by accident' some how, rather than the more alarming alternative.

[ailbhe]

Oh cripes. I'd be huddled in the corner in tears.

Well done. Very well done. And I hope it's a long, long time before she has any idea what she was implying.

[ailbhe]

Babette Cole has illustrations involving balloons, cake, and candles.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

FWIW: When I was little, my Mom was GREAT about telling me all about how babies are made, and I was still completely unsure about the whole "how the sperm gets inside" bit. I could totally imagine me saying something similar. It all just seemed so... mystical. Random.

N.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

when my brother was 6 or 7, he went through a potty mouth period. F--k this, f--k that, everything was f--ked. My parents and the teachers tried everything to get him to stop. Nothing worked, b/c he loved the attention.

He walked up to me one day (I was around 11), calling me an f--k, and I replied "do you know what that word means?" Realizing he had no idea, I proceeded to tell him in GRAPHIC detail what a f--k was.

He was so disgusted, he stopped using the word for several years.

when I was 7, I turned to my dad one day while we were watching TV and said "But daddy, how DOES the sperm get to the egg?" He very patiently (and in retrospect probably a little panicky) explained gently about penises and vaginas and so forth.

I replied "But that is gross!" He replied " Good. Keep thinking that way for at least another 10 years."

The good thing, though Rivka, is that you are a certified sex ed teacher! 'Course, if you feel lost at times, you can imagine how the rest of us feel when faced with these big questions about sex, personal empowerment, sexual relations, and kids.

[ailbhe]

When Linnea was first born, I knew it was all a big lie. There is NO WAY that could lead to this.

You couldn't make it up.

No means no

[hazelchaz]

But you're teaching her, early, that she has the right to say "no." I And answering her questions, not evading them. You're doing all right/

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

yeah, I can't imagine having that conversation with a daughter of mine, either.

As a high school teacher, I can be objective and talk to the young girls about their choices, should the subject come up and stuff, because they aren't mine. But if they were my own? and I birthed them? Yeah. I'm not ready for motherhood at all!

[elusis.livejournal.com]

Kind of reminds me of a conversation I overheard with a two-year-old and her mom in the store a couple of months back. She was trying to climb out of the cart and her mom kept re-seating her. Kiddo took to shrieking every time Mom touched her. Finally exasperated Mom says to her "look, I am allowed to touch you. I am your mother. I gave birth to you and therefore I own you - I have the papers to prove it!"

Not exactly a bodily autonomy moment, but a humorous rather than angry way of dealing with her daughter's somewhat, um, precocious boundary-setting. :)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

She came home from school one day a couple of weeks ago and told us that no one was allowed to touch her without permission. I think they learned this in the context of "how to treat your friends and classmates," not in the "stranger danger" context.

That's a real gut-check moment for a parent. On the one hand, yes, absolutely. On the other hand, I reserve the right to pick her up bodily and move her away from something she shouldn't be doing. I reserve the right to wash her hair. Et cetera. So, um, it's not so absolute after all.

We wound up telling her that Mom and Dad could touch her without permission because we are her parents, but no one else is allowed to touch without permission and no one at all is allowed to hurt her. In another few years, I will agree that even her parents shouldn't touch her without permission... but not when she's three.