Warning: whiny grumpiness follows.

[rivka]

Here's the thing.

If I know in advance that I'm going to have a whole Saturday to myself, it's a matter for pleasant anticipation. I usually have a couple of enjoyable solitary prospects in the pipeline, and I like the peace and quiet, and the pleasure of planning dinner around foods curiousangel hates.

But here's how my plans for this Saturday have gone:

Originally, we were supposed to attend the Binghamton Ball this evening. Drive up to my parents' house in Elmira last night or this morning, attend ball practice this afternoon, and English Country Dance the night away. But the local contact person for the ball never answered our phone calls or e-mails asking for final details: directions, how to pay, dance list, et cetera. So we didn't go.

Then I thought I would spend the afternoon with wcg. He has an MDF function this evening, but I thought we could get together and sew (et cetera) beforehand. Nope, although he's coming by tomorrow afternoon to sew instead.

Then I made plans with Ben, which lasted about five minutes before he remembered a pre-existing engagement.

Then I made plans with curiousangel, because gaming was cancelled. We were going to go see the Fellowship of the Ring again. But his gaming buddy called this morning to say that they were going to meet after all.

It was already a week full of tired grumpiness, and I'm finding the repeated cancellation of my Saturday plans ridiculously affecting. I'm currently in the discontented sort of mental state where I browse the net restlessly, not really enjoying any of it, and have a hard time generating options to fill up my time. And getting into self-contradictory mindsets, like simultaneously feeling despondent about how my body looks and craving chicken fingers with ranch dressing for lunch.

I don't like feeling so dependent on other people's plans to be happy. And yet, writing that, I don't think that's quite it. I can easily entertain myself and keep myself happy - the problem lies in doing so after I've already had expectations of things being different. It's not leechiness, it's inflexibility. (Still a personality fault, but I like to be able to be precise about these things.)



[Poll #26594]

Comments

*Pat Pat*

[saoba.livejournal.com]

Poor lil Rivka.

I am so totally there on the mope stuff. I don't mind being on my own and am fairly self-entertaining but I HATE it when I plan/hope/expect to do something with someone and it gets changed without me. *grrf* makes me see bugs, it does.

If you were here you could go to the gym with me and we could sit in the hot tub or take a lovely steam. Then we could go to the Indian place we took Ben when he was here and maybe even go to a bookstore or something.

Barbara