(no subject)

[rivka]

I don't interpret dreams, as a therapist, but sometimes even I have to admit that my subconscious is talking to me with a twenty-foot-tall neon sign. Last night I dreamed that mice infested our fridge and chewed holes in the bags of breastmilk I have stored in there. There you go: most of my current inadequacies rolled up neatly into a two-minute dream sequence. Our dirty house, our mouse problem (of which I am incredibly ashamed), pumping, Colin being okay while I'm at work...

I don't know why I've been treating this like a secret, but.

I have a postpartum anxiety disorder. It mostly manifests as intense feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, with a lot of focus on other people probably thinking I'm horrible and some tendencies toward obsessive thinking.

I am in treatment, and coming up on the point where the Prozac is supposed to kick in.

Right now it's very hard for me to use my LJ. I'm pretty caught up in the inside of my head, and the last thing I want to do is write about that, but the truth is that whenever I think about posting something I picture people disapproving of me or judging me for it. So I'll post about the kids because it's a safe topic and then I'll think that most of you probably despise me for being so wrapped up in my children that I've erased my own life from my LJ, or else you think I'm a horrible mother who puts academic pressure on Alex because I posted about teaching her to read, and I could write about the new nanny but then what if she leaves like the last one did and that just proves what a failure I am and... well. You get the picture.

I feel ridiculous even saying all this but that's where things are with me right now.

Comments

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you could write about this now. Asides from hormones, which are a huge emotional issue, you've also been facing a lot of life decisions and adaptation--and these are always stressful and a cause of doubting oneself. I guess I'm saying that it seems quite natural to me that you'd be perseverating about your decisions and what others think of them, and in some ways it's just an awful stage to get through.

As far as the mice, I don't know what you have or haven't done, but I highly recommend calling in Orkin or a similar company. Their agents are trained to find and block tiny, tiny little holes to the outside that untrained people can't even see. Then they can use humane traps on the mice inside; but if the holes aren't blocked, more just come in. Anyway, that was our experience when we had a mouse infestation. I love rodents, but not uninvited ones!

Here's hoping the therapy and meds help, too.