(no subject)

[rivka]

I don't interpret dreams, as a therapist, but sometimes even I have to admit that my subconscious is talking to me with a twenty-foot-tall neon sign. Last night I dreamed that mice infested our fridge and chewed holes in the bags of breastmilk I have stored in there. There you go: most of my current inadequacies rolled up neatly into a two-minute dream sequence. Our dirty house, our mouse problem (of which I am incredibly ashamed), pumping, Colin being okay while I'm at work...

I don't know why I've been treating this like a secret, but.

I have a postpartum anxiety disorder. It mostly manifests as intense feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, with a lot of focus on other people probably thinking I'm horrible and some tendencies toward obsessive thinking.

I am in treatment, and coming up on the point where the Prozac is supposed to kick in.

Right now it's very hard for me to use my LJ. I'm pretty caught up in the inside of my head, and the last thing I want to do is write about that, but the truth is that whenever I think about posting something I picture people disapproving of me or judging me for it. So I'll post about the kids because it's a safe topic and then I'll think that most of you probably despise me for being so wrapped up in my children that I've erased my own life from my LJ, or else you think I'm a horrible mother who puts academic pressure on Alex because I posted about teaching her to read, and I could write about the new nanny but then what if she leaves like the last one did and that just proves what a failure I am and... well. You get the picture.

I feel ridiculous even saying all this but that's where things are with me right now.

Comments

If you don't mind--

[(Anonymous)]

*hug*
-Sumana

[eeyorerin]

That sucks rocks through a bendy straw. I hope the treatment works well.

[ckd]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I hope things get better for you with treatment.

[morning-glory.livejournal.com]

*hugs* That took a lot of courage to share. Thank you. I suffer from PPD and it's nice to feel like I'm not alone. Totally not why you posted this entry, but it's where I am.

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you could write about this now. Asides from hormones, which are a huge emotional issue, you've also been facing a lot of life decisions and adaptation--and these are always stressful and a cause of doubting oneself. I guess I'm saying that it seems quite natural to me that you'd be perseverating about your decisions and what others think of them, and in some ways it's just an awful stage to get through.

As far as the mice, I don't know what you have or haven't done, but I highly recommend calling in Orkin or a similar company. Their agents are trained to find and block tiny, tiny little holes to the outside that untrained people can't even see. Then they can use humane traps on the mice inside; but if the holes aren't blocked, more just come in. Anyway, that was our experience when we had a mouse infestation. I love rodents, but not uninvited ones!

Here's hoping the therapy and meds help, too.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

That's a terrible place to be. I'm sorry :(

FWIW: I don't think anything terrible about you when I read any of your posts. I usually think things like, "Rivka is such an awesome Mom! I hope I am half as good as she is after the Blueberry is born!" And things like, "Wow! She's giving talks, managing to raise two awesome kids, I'm so impressed! What an inspiration!"

And the post on the cuisinaire rods made me want to get some ASAP for my baby - who is still in utero and can't possibly use them. LOL

So no worries on this end. Just support and love.

N.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Hey, I had missed your good news! Guess I should read your LJ, hunh?

[kateyule.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the post. It is helpful to know that other people are working with messed-up thought processes too. Not ridiculous in the least, nor blameworthy

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

I know what it's like to have those kinds of thoughts, so I'll just say how sorry I am that you're having to deal with PPD on top of everything else.

[going-not-gone.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm not judging you, nor is anyone else. In fact, there's a fair number of people who think you're doing an awesome job, so maybe you should be trusting our judgement rather than your own. :-)

Also, I've had mouse problems (http://szandara.livejournal.com/128207.html)--we own an older house, and it's just not possible to plug all the holes where they can get in. So don't be ashamed; it's not your fault and has nothing to do with the state of cleanliness, it's just mice being mice and following their own survival instinct.

Hang in there, you're doing fine.

[naomikritzer]

Were you the one who (last year sometime) posted the "which pests do you see as horrifying indicators that someone is a terrible housekeeper, and what's a 'meh, everyone has these sometimes' sort of pest" poll?

Mice are definitely a "meh, everyone gets them sometimes" IMO. We have never had them for very long because we have four cats (what kind of moron mouse comes into a house with four cats? the short-lived kind) but we still get them occasionally. I lived in an immaculate house with no cats as a kid, and we had mice every year. Mice are annoying as hell but they do NOT mean you're a bad housekeeper. My parents are seriously among the best housekeepers I know. (We also had cockroaches while living in Houston, Texas; at least in our part of town, you were a successful housekeeper if they at least tried to stay out of sight most of the time.)

Can you afford to hire someone to come clean your house for a while? Would that relieve any of your stress or is the shame of having someone see the mess too high to make that work? I can guarantee you they've seen worse than anything you've got going on, and without the "new baby! two working parents!" excuse.

[kate_nepveu]

Ditto to all this.

*support support support*

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

Thank gods for modern psychopharmacology, I say. I am certainly not going to judge you negatively; indeed, I judge you positively for recognizing a problem and taking steps to deal with it.

At no time have I thought either that you're so wrapped up in your children that it has erased your own life, or that you are a bad mother at all. I don't know if my saying so helps, because I know convincing the voice in the back of my own head can be, but I wanted to put it down in text.

I like you, I respect you, and I wish you well.

[boxofdelights]

Thank gods for modern psychopharmacology, I say.

Ditto, and I hope it starts working soon.

I keep tripping over "Rivka is an excellent mother" vs. "Judging her is not a helpful response to her anxiety about being judged." But I admit I do judge other people's parenting, and yours is top-notch.

A thing that helped me (still does, really) when I could not stop fretting about my failures as a mother is to look at my kids. I mean, look! Aren't they awesome? I am a good mom, and there goes your proof.

[redbird]

*hug*

Anxiety sucks and I am glad you're getting help with it.

The way you talk about the kids doesn't feel like you are either pressuring them or overly wrapped up in them. The one about Alex learning to read by writing was interesting, and probably would have been even if it had been by someone I didn't know, and about a child I'd never met.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

I think I understand a little bit how you feel. Thank you for sharing this. I hope it makes you feel a little less isolated to get it out. *hug*

I would happily lend you our fierce mouse huntress kitty Sato [see icon - over 20 confirmed kills!] if I thought she would travel well... we used to get mice every so often in our pantry closet, but I think the mouse world has now put up their equivalent of the hobo code (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobo#Hobo_code) for "mean lady" on our foundation.

[roozle.livejournal.com]

One of our primary reasons for getting another cat was to scare the mice into staying in the basement. Where, with the fairly porous stone foundation, it's impossible to completely get rid of them but as long as they are not in the living spaces I can share.

I am not sure Josie actually knows what to do with a mouse, but as long as the mice are convinced, I'm OK with that.

[roozle.livejournal.com]

My own reasons for retreating into read-only mode on LJ are no more rational and sum up as a persistent feeling of "who would even be interested? I'd only be bothering them".

I do get the picture, and I'm glad you are willing, at least occasionally, to talk about what's going on.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Also, most people around here just assume that you're going to have mice to some degree or other, and there's not much to do about it other than shrug. It is what it is. Though I do think about getting a cat just to scare them away a little.

*more hugs and love* I'll speak for a good chunk of your friendslist, I suspect, when I say that we'll be here if and when you need us.

[acceberskoorb.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I know that no amount of praise or kindness can erase self-doubts and anxiety when one's brain is in sabotage mode, but it doesn't hurt either. You're an incredible parent and a brilliant, nurturing friend, scientist and teacher. When this storm passes—and it will—you'll remember all of the good things in glimpses and it will be like a sunrise through misty skies. May your sunrise come quickly.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

That all sounds awful. But I am very glad to hear from you about you, even when it is awful.

I had mice the last place I lived, and we had rats in the place before and mice in the place before that. Every time there is a weird noise here I twitch, even though the building is only 10 years old.

[hawkida.livejournal.com]

I LOVE reading about the kids and I think you write really well about them, finding new things to focus on regarding their development and so on. And I guess that telling your level headed non-hormonally-broken bit of brain is a bit of a waste of time, but hey, just in case the reassurance is useful I'll put it out there anyway.

[jenett]

You are one of the people whose posts about their kids *always* delight me. Not just because Alex has an amazing personality that comes through in your writing (and I'm sure Colin will too, as he gets older), but because even your posts about them are also about you and your thinking about the world, and how to make it better, and all sorts of other cool stuff.

I'm with everyone else on the mice. Mice happen in some places, and they're not a sign of horrible housekeeping automatically. (And besides which, I'm so not one to throw stones on that account.)

Thinking very much of you, and wanting to read whatever you choose to write, but also being fine if you need not to for a bit.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

My deepest sympathies, darlin'... it can be hell, but you'll get through it.

A lot of these mood things end up playing with perceptions, with feelings and instincts, and that makes them doubly tricky to deal with. But things will return to normal.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

a) hurray for better living through modern chemistry!
b) *hug*

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

You get the picture.

The anxiety is busy tying you up in a web of can't-do-this, can't-do-that until you can't do anything? That's the only picture I get, and it looks like you're working on it.

This is your LJ. As far as I'm concerned, I won't judge you unless you start writing about the Rainbow Monkeys coming to take you to Happy Cloud Land, where you will eat chocolate-chip coral and drink treasureberry wine. (Or something like that.)

[lizzibabe.livejournal.com]

Hear Hear! I couldn't have put it better, myself. Dear Rivka, we're all here for you and will be happy to listen to anything you decide to post. If it's important for you to share the crap inside your head, please don't hesitate to do so. In fact, sometimes getting that crap outside your head and onto paper, or a computer screen lessens it's impact. I've often found it that way for me. If you feel it's too private, slap an F-Lock on it. or even create a TOP SECRET filter of your closest friends and post the worst of it to that.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

1. man, depression and anxiety can mess with your head and make one totally lose all sense of perspective. I find that the sadness and worry make me look for sticks to beat myself up with - the topics are irrelevant most of the time - if I "fixed" this lot, I'd just find another reason to worry and hate myself when in such a state.

Just know that when you don't have the strength at the moment on the inside, you have built a wonderful community of loving people who will give you the strength you need until you get back on your feet. We don't need, nor expect, you to be perfect, or even okay all the time. In fact you help people by letting us help you. THIS is why communities exist - to rally around us when we need.

2. Mice suck. We got 'em too - periodically we have exterminators come through with poison and plugging holes. I read somewhere that it is the rare house that DOESN'T have mice or roaches - they are just part of the landscape (as are bed bugs, increasingly).

Sending a lot of love and understanding your way - from one "crappy mom" to another ; )

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

The very fact that you recognised something was wrong and went to get help makes you a good mother, not a bad one.

I hope you start feeling better soon. This, too, shall pass.

(Remember Julian of Norwich: All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of thing will be well.)

[mizchalmers.livejournal.com]

I struggle with this too. I am wrestling with depression right now, which I think ought to be called something other than depression: for me, it is fear and rage and shame. I am doing my best not to cry in front of my children. I have absolutely no idea who and what I am. I almost can't bear it when people surround me with love and admiration. I feel ashamed and inadequate, an imposter.

I am, therefore, very grateful for this opportunity to reflect back to you an aspect of yourself that you cannot see. We've never met, but you're one of my parenting role models. I love the way you write about Alex and Colin. I love the way you write about politics and your church. I sometimes manage to stop myself before I am about to do something stupid or unkind and ask myself "What would Rivka do?" Then I do that instead.

We also have mice.

"You think you know, what you are, what's to come; you haven't even begun."