(no subject)

[rivka]

I don't interpret dreams, as a therapist, but sometimes even I have to admit that my subconscious is talking to me with a twenty-foot-tall neon sign. Last night I dreamed that mice infested our fridge and chewed holes in the bags of breastmilk I have stored in there. There you go: most of my current inadequacies rolled up neatly into a two-minute dream sequence. Our dirty house, our mouse problem (of which I am incredibly ashamed), pumping, Colin being okay while I'm at work...

I don't know why I've been treating this like a secret, but.

I have a postpartum anxiety disorder. It mostly manifests as intense feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, with a lot of focus on other people probably thinking I'm horrible and some tendencies toward obsessive thinking.

I am in treatment, and coming up on the point where the Prozac is supposed to kick in.

Right now it's very hard for me to use my LJ. I'm pretty caught up in the inside of my head, and the last thing I want to do is write about that, but the truth is that whenever I think about posting something I picture people disapproving of me or judging me for it. So I'll post about the kids because it's a safe topic and then I'll think that most of you probably despise me for being so wrapped up in my children that I've erased my own life from my LJ, or else you think I'm a horrible mother who puts academic pressure on Alex because I posted about teaching her to read, and I could write about the new nanny but then what if she leaves like the last one did and that just proves what a failure I am and... well. You get the picture.

I feel ridiculous even saying all this but that's where things are with me right now.

Comments

[naomikritzer]

Were you the one who (last year sometime) posted the "which pests do you see as horrifying indicators that someone is a terrible housekeeper, and what's a 'meh, everyone has these sometimes' sort of pest" poll?

Mice are definitely a "meh, everyone gets them sometimes" IMO. We have never had them for very long because we have four cats (what kind of moron mouse comes into a house with four cats? the short-lived kind) but we still get them occasionally. I lived in an immaculate house with no cats as a kid, and we had mice every year. Mice are annoying as hell but they do NOT mean you're a bad housekeeper. My parents are seriously among the best housekeepers I know. (We also had cockroaches while living in Houston, Texas; at least in our part of town, you were a successful housekeeper if they at least tried to stay out of sight most of the time.)

Can you afford to hire someone to come clean your house for a while? Would that relieve any of your stress or is the shame of having someone see the mess too high to make that work? I can guarantee you they've seen worse than anything you've got going on, and without the "new baby! two working parents!" excuse.

[kate_nepveu]

Ditto to all this.

*support support support*