Self-indulgent crap update.

[rivka]

Thanks everyone for your concern and support. I really - no, really, legitimately - don't think this is a matter of depression. I have a bad cold and Colin has been sleeping awfully - which means that I've been sleeping awfully as well. I think it's a combination of exhaustion and what fairoriana said about "I'm so busy with Things That Must Be Done that I get bored of myself." I am bored with myself, and feeling boring, and I am too unbelievably exhausted to be able to come up with a way of being less boring.

We took a step today that I think will help in the long run, although in the short run I expect that it will make things worse. We assembled Colin's crib in Colin's own room, and tonight I put him to sleep in it. I am done with cosleeping, with scrunching myself into a corner of the bed and holding my breath every time Colin stirs. I have also been suspecting for a while that he might sleep better in his own space. (As Dr. Jay Gordon says, babies like Colin "don’t sleep through the night any better than most of us would if we napped and cuddled within inches of the best restaurant in town and knew it was open 24 hours a day.")

So hopefully (a) I will sleep more deeply and comfortably in between night feedings, and (b) Colin will be able to move towards not feeding at night. And those things should help a great deal.

In the meantime I am trying to take it a day at a time, and I'm glad to know that I don't look as much of a boring nonentity from the outside as I do from the inside.

Comments

[matthewwdaly.livejournal.com]

I'd also like to add my lurkery support. Based almost exclusively on your first-hand writings of your work and church work and teaching Alex, you are nearly the antithesis of a boring nonentity, and I suspect that without your humility filter you'd shine even more brightly.

I'd also like to gently challenge your belief that this isn't the depression. This is just one man's anecdote, but I've been suffering with some debilitating self-image problems in spite of being on an SSRI over the past batch of years, and subsequent therapy and a psychiatric evaluation have verified that there are some anxiety issues in the mix and a lot of treatment that is still available to assist my mood. We're still in the process of working out the final formula, but taking a milligram of clonazepam as an adjunct to the 40mg of citalopram has had a dramatic effect in my self-image and outlook on life. YMMV, but it might be worth investigating.

You also still deserve a vacation from your family. :)