Self-indulgent crap update.

[rivka]

Thanks everyone for your concern and support. I really - no, really, legitimately - don't think this is a matter of depression. I have a bad cold and Colin has been sleeping awfully - which means that I've been sleeping awfully as well. I think it's a combination of exhaustion and what fairoriana said about "I'm so busy with Things That Must Be Done that I get bored of myself." I am bored with myself, and feeling boring, and I am too unbelievably exhausted to be able to come up with a way of being less boring.

We took a step today that I think will help in the long run, although in the short run I expect that it will make things worse. We assembled Colin's crib in Colin's own room, and tonight I put him to sleep in it. I am done with cosleeping, with scrunching myself into a corner of the bed and holding my breath every time Colin stirs. I have also been suspecting for a while that he might sleep better in his own space. (As Dr. Jay Gordon says, babies like Colin "don’t sleep through the night any better than most of us would if we napped and cuddled within inches of the best restaurant in town and knew it was open 24 hours a day.")

So hopefully (a) I will sleep more deeply and comfortably in between night feedings, and (b) Colin will be able to move towards not feeding at night. And those things should help a great deal.

In the meantime I am trying to take it a day at a time, and I'm glad to know that I don't look as much of a boring nonentity from the outside as I do from the inside.

Comments

[acceberskoorb.livejournal.com]

ah, that makes a lot of sense. sorry to jump to conclusions.

you are still awesome.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

I get the tired, I really do. I hope you get some good sleep. We're about to start the transition to a crib, and I hope it goes smoothly. I'd like to sleep without being kicked all the time.

N.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I really struggle with this a lot too. Thank you for giving me another view. I think this one is hard, because it's difficult to articulate.

Last time it got really bad for me, a liberal application of Homer helped considerably. YMMV.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Homer?! As in, "Sing, O Muse, the wrath of Peleus' son Akhilleus?"

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

Yes. I read the Odyssey for the first time. That held me for like two months before my soul started getting thirsty again.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about this as I went to sleep last night -- why the Odyssey made such a good choice. I think that the kind of literature I needed was:

1) Chewy - there was depth there that needed to be thought about. My brain is like a mill that needs something to grind or it binds.
2) Readable - I love Chaucer but don't have the attention to deal with Middle English.
3) Beautiful - the last thing you need is to be depressed when you're done with it.
4) New - I don't think a reread would work for this.

[mizchalmers.livejournal.com]

I am too tired to make this come out not sounding stalkerish, but you're one of my role models even though I've never met you.

[matthewwdaly.livejournal.com]

I'd also like to add my lurkery support. Based almost exclusively on your first-hand writings of your work and church work and teaching Alex, you are nearly the antithesis of a boring nonentity, and I suspect that without your humility filter you'd shine even more brightly.

I'd also like to gently challenge your belief that this isn't the depression. This is just one man's anecdote, but I've been suffering with some debilitating self-image problems in spite of being on an SSRI over the past batch of years, and subsequent therapy and a psychiatric evaluation have verified that there are some anxiety issues in the mix and a lot of treatment that is still available to assist my mood. We're still in the process of working out the final formula, but taking a milligram of clonazepam as an adjunct to the 40mg of citalopram has had a dramatic effect in my self-image and outlook on life. YMMV, but it might be worth investigating.

You also still deserve a vacation from your family. :)

[kate_nepveu]

Best wishes with the move to a crib. This week I re-introduced SteelyKid to the idea that if she just woke up under normal circumstances, I would not come in and spend half an hour cuddling her back to sleep, several times a night, which again gave me one night of feeling like the worst parent in the world, one night of feeling pretty bad, and then many nights of sweet relief. So I sympathize. (It was worse this time because she could talk.)

And *such* sympathy on the bored with yourself (I felt like it would be too emo to quote "Dancing with the Dark" on my Facebook status line, but wow I've been tempted a lot). This year it looks like WisCon's not happening for me, and in trade I insisted on a four-day vacation BY MYSELF. I can't tell you how much I look forward to it, and I concur with everyone else that if it could at all be managed, you deserve it.

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

Not being a mom, it's easy for me to see that you're putting too much pressure on yourself when you call feeling awful "self-indulgence."

You do so much! I would argue that you are much more self-sacrificing than self-indulgent.

And good luck with getting more sleep. If you're anything like me, that totally will do the trick.

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

er, I meant "easy for me to SAY..."

[pameladean]

You are never boring, Rivka. You have the knack of writing interestingly about anything. Well, anything I've seen you writing about, anyway.

I hope you can get some sleep and that it perks you up.

P.

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

I can't offer much more than *hugs*