Self-indulgent crap update.

[rivka]

Thanks everyone for your concern and support. I really - no, really, legitimately - don't think this is a matter of depression. I have a bad cold and Colin has been sleeping awfully - which means that I've been sleeping awfully as well. I think it's a combination of exhaustion and what fairoriana said about "I'm so busy with Things That Must Be Done that I get bored of myself." I am bored with myself, and feeling boring, and I am too unbelievably exhausted to be able to come up with a way of being less boring.

We took a step today that I think will help in the long run, although in the short run I expect that it will make things worse. We assembled Colin's crib in Colin's own room, and tonight I put him to sleep in it. I am done with cosleeping, with scrunching myself into a corner of the bed and holding my breath every time Colin stirs. I have also been suspecting for a while that he might sleep better in his own space. (As Dr. Jay Gordon says, babies like Colin "don’t sleep through the night any better than most of us would if we napped and cuddled within inches of the best restaurant in town and knew it was open 24 hours a day.")

So hopefully (a) I will sleep more deeply and comfortably in between night feedings, and (b) Colin will be able to move towards not feeding at night. And those things should help a great deal.

In the meantime I am trying to take it a day at a time, and I'm glad to know that I don't look as much of a boring nonentity from the outside as I do from the inside.

Comments

[kate_nepveu]

Best wishes with the move to a crib. This week I re-introduced SteelyKid to the idea that if she just woke up under normal circumstances, I would not come in and spend half an hour cuddling her back to sleep, several times a night, which again gave me one night of feeling like the worst parent in the world, one night of feeling pretty bad, and then many nights of sweet relief. So I sympathize. (It was worse this time because she could talk.)

And *such* sympathy on the bored with yourself (I felt like it would be too emo to quote "Dancing with the Dark" on my Facebook status line, but wow I've been tempted a lot). This year it looks like WisCon's not happening for me, and in trade I insisted on a four-day vacation BY MYSELF. I can't tell you how much I look forward to it, and I concur with everyone else that if it could at all be managed, you deserve it.