Update - Michael's father.

[rivka]

Michael's father is still in his right mind and able to talk with Michael, although he can only get two or three words out at a time before he has to take a wheezing breath.

That is a great gift, and one that we have always known Michael might not have, at the end.

He is not in continual pain. The pain comes and goes. The shortness of breath is constant.

Tomorrow Michael is going with him to a doctor's appointment. Michael's father is planning to tell the doctor that he doesn't want any more blood transfusions (he's been getting them more than weekly) or treatments, and that he would like hospice care at home to make him comfortable. I expect that they will give him morphine in large amounts. The thing about morphine is that it makes you feel okay about not having enough oxygen. Which is a mercy, but it also means that probably from this point out he will be pretty sedated until the end.

Without blood transfusions and treatment for the infection he seems to have, death is likely to come sooner rather than later. We may have a week or two.

It's very painful for me to not be with Michael right now, when he needs me.

Michael's father seems to have come to a place of acceptance. He told Michael that he is ready to go home to Jesus. And he made a point of telling Michael where to find the will, and the certificates of deposit, and the insurance policies. We had already discovered, a few weeks ago when Alex's birthday check arrived, that he had added Michael's name to their bank account.

I am trying to puzzle out what we will want to do with a two-year-old and a six-year-old at a full Southern funeral, complete with lengthy open-casket visitation. I am wasting my time worrying about things like what the children have that they can wear, because the other things that I might think about right now are hard and ultimately unprofitable.

I love Michael's father. I love Michael. This is hard.

Comments

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you all.

[ckd]

Thinking of you all.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

It is hard, and sad.

[journeywoman.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that you can't be together right now. Thinking of you all. *hug*

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

We went through this in January with Tim's father. It is so hard. Holding you all in my heart.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Do children go? In that culture? In my culture children of that age would stay home with a mother or aunt -- one mother would stay home with all the kids.

I think worrying about what they wear and what food you take (all that way!) and those details is the sensible thing you can do because there's no use worrying about the rest of it.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Do children go? In that culture? In my culture children of that age would stay home with a mother or aunt -- one mother would stay home with all the kids.

In that culture, I think, Alex could go either way but Colin would usually stay home. If it were going to be local, I would have both of them skip the visitation and stay home with a babysitter, and I'd give Alex a choice about coming to the funeral service.

But we'll be 900 miles from home and there is literally no one I could leave them with. I could stay home with them myself, but that would leave Michael without support. We have to find a way to make it work.

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

You may be able to find someone, perhaps someone from his church? The visitation is long and boring for kids. I know it is scary to have someone new watch the kids and worry about how they are getting on. It is very tough in general, without worrying about logistics (or perhaps the logistics are a good thing to focus on?).

I watched my mother die. It is intensely painful. I was lucky that Andy was at my side. But I am so thankful I was there with her at the end. You are in my thoughts.

[naomikritzer]

Where does Michael's father live? Do you have an Internet friend or someone you know from SUUSI who lives nearby?

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Michael's father lives in Memphis, and we really don't know anyone there except for his stepmother's immediate family, who will have her to look after, and Michael's birthmother's childless (and child-inexperienced) sister, who has not been greatly involved in our family.

Also, I think the kids are going to be extremely freaked out and hard to detatch from us.

[naomikritzer]

Freaked out, hard-to-detach kids are inherently harder to leave with sitters, even when you have one handy.

Do you have a friend locally who is a good enough friend they'd travel with you? (Or your nanny?) (This only works if you have the funds to buy the extra ticket, of course, but I thought I would throw it out there as an idea.) This sort of option is much easier when it's a shorter distance. (Our house to my ILs was also right about 1000 miles. I was kind of gobsmacked just now to look that up because, in my not-southern-not-east-coast brain, Tennessee and Maryland are practically right next to each other...)

[pbrim.livejournal.com]

Many funeral homes have a "Family Room" where family can step away for a little privacy when it gets too much. It might be worth checking into whether you could bring the kids with a few books or toys and have them stay there during the visitation, with people staying with them in shifts. They would be close enough you could drop in from time to time, but would not need to be in the room with the open casket.

(I had nightmares for years about being pressured at age 8 to kiss my grandfather goodbye in his casket. He had commited suicide also, which led to a whole 'nother layer of tension to the event which I totally didn't understand at the time.)

[eeyorerin]

My mom's parents came to the (out of state for everyone) funeral when my dad's mother died and took care of my brothers and I -- I remember we stopped by the visitation, and we went to the church service, but not the interment. I don't know what my parents would have done otherwise -- my youngest brother was only about seven months old.

I am sorry. It is hard. I wish I could help. I hope you find a way to make it work.

[tassie-gal.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you. Having watched my father pass away from mesotheliomia 2 years ago on the 13th of May after a week in pallative care, I know what you and Michael are going through. Michael knows you love him and you are supporting him from afar, as does his Dad.
Keep busy, its what I did, but acknowledge what is happening, and prepare the kids for it.

[redbird]

Take care of each other.

I don't know enough about the funeral customs to have any suggestions.

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're all going through this and you can't hold Michael right now.

WRT kids and the funeral, Jeff's grandmother just died over Christmas, and I fretted about many of the same things. I wasn't sure the kids would go, and worried about them not having any clothes along on the trip.

In the end, the children were expected and very welcome to be there. We sat near the edge, but they were decent if a bit wiggly. Jeff was a pallbearer, so he sat in the front and I was on my own with the boys. There were other kids, and afterwards, during the luncheon, they ran around, being kids, hiding in all of the chairs. I was fearful that they were being disrespectful, but all of Jeff's elderly family came up to us and said how happy they were to see little boys being little boys - it made them feel young again.

I was worried about the viewing, but they attended, saw their great-grandmother, and were very thoughtful about it. They asked questions, but seemed ok about everything.

The key differences were that Jeff's grandmother was in her 90s, and those funerals tend to be a relief, expected, and a family reunion. Also, the boys did not know her well, and were thus not incredibly emotionally attached. This was also a casual Wisconsin farm crowd. And of course, Edward was much older than Colin, though if I know your little guy, he'll charm everybody in sight. I'm sure he'll be a welcome relief.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Very hard to go through. My thoughts are with you and your family and I'm sure Michael knows your spirit is there with him even if you can't be in person. *hug*

[brainwane (from livejournal.com)]

This is so hard. Thank goodness for phones and the Internet (and for the other blessings that make it a little easier).

[naomikritzer]

When Ed's mother died, he didn't want me to come because dealing with the girls during a deathbed vigil (Molly was five, Kiera was two) was just too much to contemplate.

The memorial service was significantly delayed, though (at the request of his mother; she didn't want it held until "a season" had passed and then "only if you must," sigh.) I don't recommend that approach, FWIW. Anyway, we went out for the memorial service the following spring. It was about as far from an open casket Southern deal as you can get, though.

This is actually a good time of year to find a dress for a little girl to wear to a funeral; Easter dresses are on sale. (I bought Molly one in light blue -- the year before MIL died, actually. She'd been in poor health for years when she died, and there'd been a series of crises, each of which we were surprised when she pulled through.)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

This is actually a good time of year to find a dress for a little girl to wear to a funeral; Easter dresses are on sale.

Alex is actually easy, because she refuses to wear anything but dresses and thus has a wide range of options already in her closet. She has two very simple navy blue dresses which, with white tights, will be appropriately somber for the visitation and the funeral without being un-childlike.

Colin is the tricky one to dress. What two-year-old has anything other than play clothes? He even wears T-shirts and cargo pants to church. But I stopped by the thrift store today and found a pair of dress pants (Nordstrom tags still on, creases still ironed in) and a tiny clip-on tie. Shirts were harder to find. I went with a pale blue chambray button-down that matches with the tie, for the service, and a dark-colored plaid button-down that he can wear with khakis for the visitation.

She'd been in poor health for years when she died, and there'd been a series of crises, each of which we were surprised when she pulled through.)

This is what it's been like for us as well. He was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer back in 2004, and we've been poised to lose him ever since. But I do think that this is really the end.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

Worrying about those things can be very comforting, a little bit of normal life in the midst of such difficult times.

[kate_nepveu]

It is a great gift and it will be a comfort eventually, even though it doesn't, well, it didn't for me, make most other things any easier.

Hugs, support.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[mizchalmers.livejournal.com]

You're in my heart. I lost my father-in-law on Saturday and am swamped by almost exactly the same worries and sorrows. I wish you strength and peace.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. *Hugs*

[beaq.livejournal.com]

That is very hard. Love and courage to all of you.

[vom-marlowe.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

I don't know whether you're concerned that they'll be upset by attending an open casket funeral and a big funereal show, but if so, I just wanted to offer my experience. Kind of as an assurance that it isn't necessarily a bad thing if you're forced by lack of childcare to take them. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't! Just saying that it's OK either way. You love them very much and are a great mom. I thought you might like to hear from someone who went to one of these things as a very young child and how it turned out.

When I was very young (about 5), my grandfather passed. The funeral included an open casket visitation, a full Catholic service, and a 21 gun salute at the gravesite. I attended everything. My mom's family is big enough that they filled the church. There was a huge post-funeral get together as well.

While it was odd to me, as a child, I actually look back on that experience as a positive thing. My mom explained that grandpa had passed away, and I peered into the casket (as kids do), but I did not find it traumatic or upsetting. (Boring at times, yes.) For me, it was a good introduction to the ways of death, and I found it comforting and still think of it from time to time.

Having kids, including babies and toddlers, is part of the tradition of my mom's culture, and it may be different there, but because of that tradition, there's a certain amount of social slack given to the parents to take the kid outside, or to shush them, or to go into a side room for a few minutes so they can run around.

Anyway. I just wanted to offer some reassure in case you end up having to take them.

In the meantime, I'm sending loving thoughts to you and Michael and Michael's father.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I was a little older than Alex when a grandfather and then a cousin died. Looking back, I really wish I'd been offered the chance to go see what the grownups did, because the whole funeral thing got built up in my mind to something much more frightening and embarrassing than it probably actually was. I didn't actually go to any funeral observance until I was about nineteen, but I worried about it in the meantime. When I asked Mum about it a few years ago, she said that they'd never thought about my needs being different than the younger siblings for whom they'd been arranging babysitting at home, and maybe they'd been wrong.

[pameladean]

I'm sorry it's all happenings so far away.

I went to some kind-of (Missouri) southern funerals as a kid; children got a lot of leeway and tended to be grouped up together away from much of the goings-on. I think a lot of the trauma of open caskets has to do with adults' trying to force things on kids, whether making them look or making them not look. You don't really operate that way.

P.

[guruwench.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Rivka. Our thoughts are with you and your families.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your impending loss. We just attended my grandmother's funeral in Memphis last week. There was a curtained-off side wing of the funeral home chapel that was not in use where I was able to go and nurse my 17-month-old in private. (She seldom nurses in public any more but was out of her element and missing her nap...) On the off chance that it is the same funeral home and you think you might want to use that space, I can try to describe it to you so you wouldn't have to ask someone about it (which might be uncomfortable).

[aranel.livejournal.com]

Forgot to mention--we were at Memphis Funeral Home on Poplar.

[curiousangel.livejournal.com]

That is almost certainly the place we will be using, so any details would be much appreciated. Thank you!

[aranel.livejournal.com]

The service for my grandmother was held in more of a parlor-style room, not in the chapel. I imagine visitations would also be held in that room. When we were there, the chapel was not in use. It's an L (or perhaps T?) shaped space with curtains across two sides of the square at the front, where the sides connect. In order to get to the side area, I entered the chapel from the back, passed through the curtain at the front, then through another curtain on my right to get into the short part of the L-shape. I think as long as no one else is using or scheduled to use the chapel, you should be able to walk right in. We were able to nurse there for a while undisturbed. We weren't offered access to any kind of kids' or family room, and the couple of toys they had were pretty uninspiring, so may want to bring something for your kids to play with and/or read. I seem to recall also that there's no convenient place to change a diaper.

One nice thing was that there was snack food available (cheese and crackers and fruit).

[ailbhe]

I'm sorry you're having to plan this, as well as deal with the impending loss. In my experience, as a child and an adult (but not a parent) attending funerals, people find the presence of children comforting, and they are not expected to be more than ordinarily well-behaved and quiet; also, adults and children are usually allowed to leave for a while at almost any time to compose themselves, because seat-kicking and anguished wailing alike disturb other mourners.

I'm now living in a culture where children do not ordinarily attend funerals, and I find it very odd.