Paralysis.

[rivka]

Yesterday, when Michael called to talk to his father, his stepmother's daughter-in-law answered the phone. Michael's father has been running fevers up to 104. He's developed oral candidiasis, a.k.a. thrush, which makes it very painful for him to swallow. He no longer really seems aware or responsive even when his eyes are open. The hospice nurses upped his pain medication and switched it over to a non-oral route.

We are on watch.

Tomorrow Alex is supposed to go to her ballet class done and then a birthday party (actually on Sunday).
Sunday we are supposed to go to a Roman Days reenactment. cancelled
Tuesday Michael is supposed to lead the first Board of Trustees meeting after he was elected president of our church. pending
Thursday I am supposed to lead the first session of a Magic Tree House book club at our Homeschool Community Center. postponed two weeks
A week from Sunday I am supposed to fly to Miami, because a week from Tuesday I am supposed to give a talk at a professional meeting. So right now I am actually supposed to be writing a talk.
I need a haircut.
I ought to see my doctor, because the weeks of high pollen counts have retriggered my reactive airway problems and I am having trouble breathing again, needing to use my inhaler. I went to urgent care.

It is an open question whether any of these things will actually happen. Probably the birthday party, I guess, since we've gotten as far as Friday afternoon. I doubt whether we'll do any of those other things. In fact I am finding it nearly impossible to prepare for them. We haven't bought a present for the party, done I haven't started the talk (although the data are analyzed), I haven't planned activities for the book club postponed or even our own basic homeschooling lessons for next week. We now have a game plan that involves irresponsibly slacking off on education.

I have a mental list with packing and organizing and arranging and canceling sections on it. Getting started on that list would feel all kinds of wrong - the word that popped into my head was "ghoulish" - and also there's not much practical preparation that can be done when we don't know, to put it euphemistically, when we will need to travel or for how long. But I don't seem to be able to work on the other list either. That stuff feels so pointless.

Here's what I can do: put my arms around Michael as often as possible. Try to give the kids opportunities to be around people who are not stressed out, grieving, short-fused, and frozen.

Do the best I can from hundreds of miles away to hold a sick, frail, frightened man in the Light.

Wait. Breathe. Wait.

Comments

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. That's really horrible for your father-in-law and all who love him. May his passing be easy and swift.

Take care of yourself: cancel all those appointments now. "I'm sorry, a family member is dying" is the one iron-bound excuse that anybody will understand.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Yes. And it's *much* easier to do it now than when grief is playing hell with one's emotions. When my mom died, I was able to maintain control, but it was a hideous effort, and, knowing what I know now, I would have started clearing things out before it happened.

[kate_nepveu]

I'm so sorry. Such hard emotional decisions to make.

Since your breathing is already bad, and in case stress, travel, or warmer weather make it worse, perhaps it would serve all ends to see if your doctor can see you soon?

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

I think Kate is very, very wise.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

*hug*

keep breathing. hang in there.

(and in order to help with the breathing, seeing the doctor now or soon? you may not be able to do that for a while, if you don't try for it now.)

[naomikritzer]

I would put the doctor visit at a high priority. Do that before writing talks or shopping for birthday presents. It's hard to get more essential than breathing.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. It's awful for everyone involved.

I agree with mme_hardy: Start canceling -- or anyway "pre-canceling" -- appointments now. People will understand, "My father-in-law is dying. We don't know how many more days or maybe hours he has. If I can do X, I will, but you should prepare a backup plan."

I also agree with everyone else: doctor visit for you is of the highest priority. "Adjust your own oxygen mask before assisting those traveling with you."

Your father-in-law, Michael, and all of you will be in my thoughts and prayer-analogs, such as they are.

[singinglark.livejournal.com]

Everyone has already made the recommendations I would make, so I'll just send my warmest virtual hug and gentlest thoughts to you, Michael, and all your family.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

You're all in my thoughts.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Seconding all good wishes, as well as the hope that your doctor can see you soon.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you all. I'll light a candle tonight.

And the only reason that "ghoulish" would matter is if something would make Michael uncomfortable - otherwise if you'd feel better to write down the list, go to the drycleaner, warn the conference organisers, or get your hair cut, nobody will judge you for it.

Although that is easier said than done. I met all my relatives and family-friends with weird looking hair, because I felt creepy about planning it ahead of time and then embarrassed for wanting to fit it in between my mum's death and the plane to the funeral.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the "permission" to start on the list. I mended the tie I got for Colin at the thrift store and researched hotels with suites for privacy and forbade Alex to wear her sober navy blue dress today "because I'm saving it for something." I may just have to live with the hair.

Christ, this is awful.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

It is awful. *hug*

[ckd]

Take care of yourself too, please?

Thinking of you all.

[eeyorerin]

I was just thinking of you all today and wondering how things were going, so I am glad to see this update. I am sorry that you are all still stuck in waiting-mode, though; it sounds so hard to be there.

Good thoughts and wishes for the best possible outcome and resolution to all things.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Breathe, be gentle with yourself,and know that your friends are holding you and yours in the Light.

[lisajulie.livejournal.com]

Hugs and holding you all in the light.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Best wishes for a peaceful end for Michael's father. I agree with the others - take care of yourself first so that you have the strength to take care of the rest of your family. I agree with janetmiles about "pre-cancelling" appointments. Much love to all of you.

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

I would add that pre-cancelling conditionally just continues the stress on you, because it maintains the burden of these things as being something you "ought" to do. Just cancel.

I can't count the times in my life I've seen meetings, speakers, and public and private engagements cancelled because of "a family bereavement". Any even halfway decent human being is going to respond to *any* cancellation at this time with sympathy and understanding.

What I am trying to say, and probably not doing it very well, is that the burden of doing everything you are "supposed" to do at this time is one that nobody but you expects. It is an expected part of -- at least -- American society that a family death takes precedence over everything. You can let go and focus on your family without a smidgen of wrongdoing or, I hope, guilt.

I want to add oursin's catchphrase

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

"Kill the Angel in the House! Kill her!"