Paralysis.

[rivka]

Yesterday, when Michael called to talk to his father, his stepmother's daughter-in-law answered the phone. Michael's father has been running fevers up to 104. He's developed oral candidiasis, a.k.a. thrush, which makes it very painful for him to swallow. He no longer really seems aware or responsive even when his eyes are open. The hospice nurses upped his pain medication and switched it over to a non-oral route.

We are on watch.

Tomorrow Alex is supposed to go to her ballet class done and then a birthday party (actually on Sunday).
Sunday we are supposed to go to a Roman Days reenactment. cancelled
Tuesday Michael is supposed to lead the first Board of Trustees meeting after he was elected president of our church. pending
Thursday I am supposed to lead the first session of a Magic Tree House book club at our Homeschool Community Center. postponed two weeks
A week from Sunday I am supposed to fly to Miami, because a week from Tuesday I am supposed to give a talk at a professional meeting. So right now I am actually supposed to be writing a talk.
I need a haircut.
I ought to see my doctor, because the weeks of high pollen counts have retriggered my reactive airway problems and I am having trouble breathing again, needing to use my inhaler. I went to urgent care.

It is an open question whether any of these things will actually happen. Probably the birthday party, I guess, since we've gotten as far as Friday afternoon. I doubt whether we'll do any of those other things. In fact I am finding it nearly impossible to prepare for them. We haven't bought a present for the party, done I haven't started the talk (although the data are analyzed), I haven't planned activities for the book club postponed or even our own basic homeschooling lessons for next week. We now have a game plan that involves irresponsibly slacking off on education.

I have a mental list with packing and organizing and arranging and canceling sections on it. Getting started on that list would feel all kinds of wrong - the word that popped into my head was "ghoulish" - and also there's not much practical preparation that can be done when we don't know, to put it euphemistically, when we will need to travel or for how long. But I don't seem to be able to work on the other list either. That stuff feels so pointless.

Here's what I can do: put my arms around Michael as often as possible. Try to give the kids opportunities to be around people who are not stressed out, grieving, short-fused, and frozen.

Do the best I can from hundreds of miles away to hold a sick, frail, frightened man in the Light.

Wait. Breathe. Wait.

Comments

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

I think Kate is very, very wise.