This place looks familiar.

[rivka]

So. I'm in Iowa City.

I'm here for the exact same fucking reason I was here ten months ago: my dissertation isn't done. I'm bogged down in data collection. The undergraduate research assistant I recruited to collect my last subjects flaked on me after running a grand total of four subjects - which is an improvement over the previous undergraduate research assistant, who flaked on me without running any subjects at all. This time, I at least kept in good contact and sent her frequent prompts and reminders - but much good it did me, because she stonewalled me at first and then just stopped answering my e-mail.

So I'm out here again. This time, I plan to run the remaining 25 subjects myself. In the next two weeks. While I continue to work on the grant application from a distance.

Does it show that I hate this?

I'm furious at the research non-assistant, obviously, but I can't put all the blame on her. My own fecklessness and poor choices and procrastination have more to do with why I'm not finished than anything else does. I should've been finished before I hired her ten months ago. I should've been finished before I went on internship twenty-seven months ago. Everyone who started when I did finished long ago. Intellectually, I know that it's not a race. Emotionally... I'm so ashamed of not being done that I can barely tolerate working on the damned thing, which is not the most helpful way to be.

I'm getting more done now that I'm here. I still have a low-grade panicky feeling in my gut, but I do feel better now that I'm actually moving forward. I can run 25 subjects in two weeks. I can recruit the missing 11-12 subjects in two weeks. I can get the data entered as I collect it and be ready to start data analysis by the end of the two-week period. My planned analyses are pretty simple - they won't take long. So two weeks from now I should be on the downward slope. That's the plan, anyway.

I just have to get through the next two weeks. That shouldn't be as hard as all that.

Right?

Comments

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

From the ways I've heard you talk about this so far (J: "But once this trip is over, the data collection will be *done*!" R: "It should have been done already!"), I think that if you can manage to let yourself be proud of making this trip and your accomplishments on it, rather than admonishing yourself for not having done it already, that might go a long way toward making the time more bearable. It's really terrific that you're doing this, and you should be able to celebrate once it's done!

Can I call you some evening -- or during the day, even, if that would work better?

-J

[rivka.livejournal.com]

From the ways I've heard you talk about this so far (J: "But once this trip is over, the data collection will be *done*!" R: "It should have been done already!")

But it should have been done already!

Okay, okay. I see your point.

I think that if you can manage to let yourself be proud of making this trip and your accomplishments on it, rather than admonishing yourself for not having done it already, that might go a long way toward making the time more bearable.

I'm trying. I'm making a very concrete list of goals every morning, and crossing them off with a big flourish when they're done. If I do things during the day that aren't on the list, I write them in and cross them off. Between yesterday and today, I have a whole sheet of notebook paper (wide ruled, so I'm not that great) filled with crossed-off goals. That actually helps a lot all by itself - it gives me a sense of accomplishment and forward momentum. I'm also trying to reward myself for getting through all the goals for a day.

Can I call you some evening -- or during the day, even, if that would work better?

Yeah, that would be great! Tonight I should be available on my cell phone all evening. Tomorrow I'll be available after 8:30 or so Central time. Wednesday I'm pretty damned booked. Thursday I'm available after 8:30 Central time.

Thanks. Your support really helps.