This place looks familiar.

[rivka]

So. I'm in Iowa City.

I'm here for the exact same fucking reason I was here ten months ago: my dissertation isn't done. I'm bogged down in data collection. The undergraduate research assistant I recruited to collect my last subjects flaked on me after running a grand total of four subjects - which is an improvement over the previous undergraduate research assistant, who flaked on me without running any subjects at all. This time, I at least kept in good contact and sent her frequent prompts and reminders - but much good it did me, because she stonewalled me at first and then just stopped answering my e-mail.

So I'm out here again. This time, I plan to run the remaining 25 subjects myself. In the next two weeks. While I continue to work on the grant application from a distance.

Does it show that I hate this?

I'm furious at the research non-assistant, obviously, but I can't put all the blame on her. My own fecklessness and poor choices and procrastination have more to do with why I'm not finished than anything else does. I should've been finished before I hired her ten months ago. I should've been finished before I went on internship twenty-seven months ago. Everyone who started when I did finished long ago. Intellectually, I know that it's not a race. Emotionally... I'm so ashamed of not being done that I can barely tolerate working on the damned thing, which is not the most helpful way to be.

I'm getting more done now that I'm here. I still have a low-grade panicky feeling in my gut, but I do feel better now that I'm actually moving forward. I can run 25 subjects in two weeks. I can recruit the missing 11-12 subjects in two weeks. I can get the data entered as I collect it and be ready to start data analysis by the end of the two-week period. My planned analyses are pretty simple - they won't take long. So two weeks from now I should be on the downward slope. That's the plan, anyway.

I just have to get through the next two weeks. That shouldn't be as hard as all that.

Right?

Comments

[eeyorerin]

Ach, it is hard, this dissertating thing. (And I've only been at it for...um...about six months now.) And the feeling that I should have had it done earlier (whatever it is), that I should have had it together, that I should be just like my other program companions makes things 10,000 times worse (or at least it does for me).

I am cheering for you, just as people have cheered for me.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

you can get through the next two weeks. honest you can.

(will you have any weekend free time? when do you go home? says the woman who lives not so very far, in galactic sorts of distances, from iowa city...)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

you can get through the next two weeks. honest you can.

Thanks. I would never dare to doubt you, so I'll just have to accept this.

(will you have any weekend free time? when do you go home? says the woman who lives not so very far, in galactic sorts of distances, from iowa city...)

Goodness. Yeah, I probably will have free time this weekend, although I'm hoping to schedule some research subjects Saturday during the day. I'm leaving Saturday, October 5. But Minneapolis is awfully far away... not at light speed, though, I guess. Got a fast cruiser I could borrow?

[elynne.livejournal.com]

You've got two weeks, I've got two weeks. :\ Because of my own flaking/procrastinating/depressive episode (wheee), I have exactly two weeks to get done with Theory, or - well, I'm not sure what the "or" is, but apparantly it may be as dire as me losing all my financial aid. Ah-heh. Two chapters in two weeks - plus making up whatever hours I need to do.

*deep breath* I can do this. You can do this. If you're into that sort of thing, consider me holding your hand as we face the next two weeks. :]

[mouseman.livejournal.com]

You can do this, hon! You have the plan. Focus on it. The past got you here, but other than that its use in getting you to where you're going is limited to reference material. Let the dead Past bury its dead. There is only now, which you use to build your future.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

You can do it! And try not to blame yourself for the assistants that didn't work out; that part was not about you. You will kick ass. Rant as necessary, I'll be reading, and you can mail me any time.

Two weeks of focus.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

It'll be fine. You know what you need to do.

I know it's a long shot, but is there anything we can do from this end, admin, research, trundling, contacting, or other research-assistance-wise? Sometimes it's just easier to Do It Yourself, but sometimes not.

[geminigirl]

I'm sending good research vibes your way.

I've spend a bunch of hours recently battling reaquainting myself with SPSS, so I've been in research mode. If I can lend a hand, let me know.

[elusis.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain. It's now been a year and 3 months since I passed my qualifying exam with flying colors. It's been 6 months since I had a sit-down meeting with my advisor and came away burning up with passion for a clear dissertation topic. And I haven't even finished the revision to the IRB application.

I just can't even think about dissertation work right now, with my job being so scary and trying to get licensure and etc. etc. etc. But I know I have to get moving because this is where so many well-meaning ABDs get lost.

I just can't fathom actualy dealing with research right now. I can't even seem to write up the research conference I attended, and all that is is summarizingy my notes so the other MFTs in my state know what went on. Ugh.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

From the ways I've heard you talk about this so far (J: "But once this trip is over, the data collection will be *done*!" R: "It should have been done already!"), I think that if you can manage to let yourself be proud of making this trip and your accomplishments on it, rather than admonishing yourself for not having done it already, that might go a long way toward making the time more bearable. It's really terrific that you're doing this, and you should be able to celebrate once it's done!

Can I call you some evening -- or during the day, even, if that would work better?

-J

[rivka.livejournal.com]

From the ways I've heard you talk about this so far (J: "But once this trip is over, the data collection will be *done*!" R: "It should have been done already!")

But it should have been done already!

Okay, okay. I see your point.

I think that if you can manage to let yourself be proud of making this trip and your accomplishments on it, rather than admonishing yourself for not having done it already, that might go a long way toward making the time more bearable.

I'm trying. I'm making a very concrete list of goals every morning, and crossing them off with a big flourish when they're done. If I do things during the day that aren't on the list, I write them in and cross them off. Between yesterday and today, I have a whole sheet of notebook paper (wide ruled, so I'm not that great) filled with crossed-off goals. That actually helps a lot all by itself - it gives me a sense of accomplishment and forward momentum. I'm also trying to reward myself for getting through all the goals for a day.

Can I call you some evening -- or during the day, even, if that would work better?

Yeah, that would be great! Tonight I should be available on my cell phone all evening. Tomorrow I'll be available after 8:30 or so Central time. Wednesday I'm pretty damned booked. Thursday I'm available after 8:30 Central time.

Thanks. Your support really helps.

If I can do it, you can do it.

[(Anonymous)]

Sure, I'm quoting Miles...but people who believe Miles win battles! :-)

I spent 6 yrs feeling *exactly* the same way--about two different topics, no less. And I am living proof that it's possible to succeed. Want me to send you a pic of me in my hood?

It DOES NOT MATTER how long it takes. All that matters is that you slog through and finish. One of my closest grad-school friends, who took even longer than I did, told me that her system was to have a daily goal of two pages. "Even if it's mule puke, I write two new original pages. Then I can go back and revise yesterday's mule puke." She is now up for tenure at her dream job.

So see! If we can do it, you can do it.

My email is txanne@earthlink.net. Write me any time you need cheerleading!

Big hugs,
Anne

Re: If I can do it, you can do it.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I spent 6 yrs feeling *exactly* the same way--about two different topics, no less. And I am living proof that it's possible to succeed. Want me to send you a pic of me in my hood?

Hee! Yes, actually. I'm sure that would be inspiring.

It DOES NOT MATTER how long it takes. All that matters is that you slog through and finish. One of my closest grad-school friends, who took even longer than I did, told me that her system was to have a daily goal of two pages. "Even if it's mule puke, I write two new original pages. Then I can go back and revise yesterday's mule puke." She is now up for tenure at her dream job.

The lucky thing for me is that more than half of the writing is already done. I have the introduction and literature review and method already written - all that's left to write up are the results and the conclusion. It's all been about the data. Which means that if I get all the data on this trip, I'll be in good shape to finish in the spring.

Thanks for your encouragement, Anne. It helps a lot because I know you've been there.

Re: If I can do it, you can do it.

[(Anonymous)]

OK! Hood pic on the way, as soon as I get my mom to send it to me...

And you _will_ get all the data this trip, because your back is to the wall. You've come too far to stop now...you've undelegated from the idiot, you're doing it all yourself, and there's no way anything is going to keep you from finishing. (I tell you three times!) ;-)

Hugs,
Anne

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

Look at it this way -- you're not done because you went off to do more important things than sitting on your butt writing.

Your flaky research assistants aren't your fault. At all. If that's the only thing holding you back, then you've done everything you could. *And* you've done all this other spiffy stuff that your classmates probably couldn't have dreamed of doing. (So phooey on them.)

Good luck...

Right

[ororo.livejournal.com]

You've already noted progress since you've been there, while you're in the unenviable position of a deadline, you now have control over the situation that you didn't have when the un-assitants flaked out on you.

*hugs* and various encouraging words. You've got it in you to do it. May the progress you see in the next couple weeks override you kicking yourself about stuff. No matter what passed before, you're there now and working now.

and people love you.

didn't know

[starstraf.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you were ABD - FYI I have started a LJ group abdso for those of us with ABD partners.

You can do it!

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

My own fecklessness and poor choices and procrastination have more to do with why I'm not finished than anything else does. I should've been finished before I hired her ten months ago. I should've been finished before I went on internship twenty-seven months ago.

I took long enough to finish up my program that I'm literally going to hand in my dissertation a few days before the absolute deadline for finishing. Along the way, there were a lot of external forces that delayed me but I have to admit to myself that there were some delays that were entirely self-created. You know as well as I do that beating yourself up over what you should have done a year ago isn't going to help you get your work done now. I had to learn to just let it go. I did a lot of 'letting go' when I was writing. I had to stop smacking myself around for what I hadn't done the day, the week, the month, the year before, and just take responsibility for the current day. Sometimes, I had to just take responsibility for the next 15 minutes. Seriously, I credit the speed I finally finished at to learning to let past mistakes go.

Everyone who started when I did finished long ago. Intellectually, I know that it's not a race. Emotionally... I'm so ashamed of not being done that I can barely tolerate working on the damned thing, which is not the most helpful way to be.

I *so* understand this. I went to invite people out to celebrate on Friday and there is no one left who started within a good 2 years of my start date. The worst for me was when I got an email announcement that someone (actually, an ex-boyfriend but that was irrelevant except he was an ex-boyfriend because he was an idiot and the fact that he was an idiot made it worse) had finished and moved on to his new job. It was bad becase when I first met him, I'd been in grad school a year and he had 2 years left of his undergrad degree still to go. I walked around for weeks saying to myself "He finished an undergrad degree and a Ph.D. and I'm still collecting data!" over and over again and not doing any work at all. I actually was cancelling experiments and wasting day after day because I was so upset. And I didn't admit it to anyone because every time I talked to KB, we fought, and Jae was otherwise occupied and it was just an awful, dark time. I'm so impressed with you for facing this head on now, despite all the misery and negative emotions tangled up with the work.

You really can do this. You *are* doing it right now and that's what counts.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

You're one of my major inspirations, you know. (You and pegkerr, who's been battling writer's block and is now making strides forward.) It was so encouraging to see you finish, and to hear about your defense! You timed that really well, for me. *grin*

It sounds like you really did go through a lot of the same things I'm dealing with now. Thanks for being willing to talk about them. It helps.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

The past is past, and can not be changed. You have this time, now, to deal with what needs to be done armed with more skill and knowledge than you would have had if you'd tackled it back before you left for internship.

Five years ago you gave me Lois Bujold. Remember?

This is a great gift Rivka. Rise to it. Focus on it as you focused on being ready for your comprehensive exams. You have the ability. You *know* you have the ability. Now do it.

You walked 3.5 miles over broken hill trails with me just over a week ago. You couldn't have done that 2 years ago. You can now, and you can do this now too.