This place looks familiar.
Sep. 22nd, 2002 05:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaSo. I'm in Iowa City.
I'm here for the exact same fucking reason I was here ten months ago: my dissertation isn't done. I'm bogged down in data collection. The undergraduate research assistant I recruited to collect my last subjects flaked on me after running a grand total of four subjects - which is an improvement over the previous undergraduate research assistant, who flaked on me without running any subjects at all. This time, I at least kept in good contact and sent her frequent prompts and reminders - but much good it did me, because she stonewalled me at first and then just stopped answering my e-mail.
So I'm out here again. This time, I plan to run the remaining 25 subjects myself. In the next two weeks. While I continue to work on the grant application from a distance.
Does it show that I hate this?
I'm furious at the research non-assistant, obviously, but I can't put all the blame on her. My own fecklessness and poor choices and procrastination have more to do with why I'm not finished than anything else does. I should've been finished before I hired her ten months ago. I should've been finished before I went on internship twenty-seven months ago. Everyone who started when I did finished long ago. Intellectually, I know that it's not a race. Emotionally... I'm so ashamed of not being done that I can barely tolerate working on the damned thing, which is not the most helpful way to be.
I'm getting more done now that I'm here. I still have a low-grade panicky feeling in my gut, but I do feel better now that I'm actually moving forward. I can run 25 subjects in two weeks. I can recruit the missing 11-12 subjects in two weeks. I can get the data entered as I collect it and be ready to start data analysis by the end of the two-week period. My planned analyses are pretty simple - they won't take long. So two weeks from now I should be on the downward slope. That's the plan, anyway.
I just have to get through the next two weeks. That shouldn't be as hard as all that.
Right?
I'm here for the exact same fucking reason I was here ten months ago: my dissertation isn't done. I'm bogged down in data collection. The undergraduate research assistant I recruited to collect my last subjects flaked on me after running a grand total of four subjects - which is an improvement over the previous undergraduate research assistant, who flaked on me without running any subjects at all. This time, I at least kept in good contact and sent her frequent prompts and reminders - but much good it did me, because she stonewalled me at first and then just stopped answering my e-mail.
So I'm out here again. This time, I plan to run the remaining 25 subjects myself. In the next two weeks. While I continue to work on the grant application from a distance.
Does it show that I hate this?
I'm furious at the research non-assistant, obviously, but I can't put all the blame on her. My own fecklessness and poor choices and procrastination have more to do with why I'm not finished than anything else does. I should've been finished before I hired her ten months ago. I should've been finished before I went on internship twenty-seven months ago. Everyone who started when I did finished long ago. Intellectually, I know that it's not a race. Emotionally... I'm so ashamed of not being done that I can barely tolerate working on the damned thing, which is not the most helpful way to be.
I'm getting more done now that I'm here. I still have a low-grade panicky feeling in my gut, but I do feel better now that I'm actually moving forward. I can run 25 subjects in two weeks. I can recruit the missing 11-12 subjects in two weeks. I can get the data entered as I collect it and be ready to start data analysis by the end of the two-week period. My planned analyses are pretty simple - they won't take long. So two weeks from now I should be on the downward slope. That's the plan, anyway.
I just have to get through the next two weeks. That shouldn't be as hard as all that.
Right?
If I can do it, you can do it.
Date: 2002-09-23 06:13 am (UTC)I spent 6 yrs feeling *exactly* the same way--about two different topics, no less. And I am living proof that it's possible to succeed. Want me to send you a pic of me in my hood?
It DOES NOT MATTER how long it takes. All that matters is that you slog through and finish. One of my closest grad-school friends, who took even longer than I did, told me that her system was to have a daily goal of two pages. "Even if it's mule puke, I write two new original pages. Then I can go back and revise yesterday's mule puke." She is now up for tenure at her dream job.
So see! If we can do it, you can do it.
My email is txanne@earthlink.net. Write me any time you need cheerleading!
Big hugs,
Anne
Re: If I can do it, you can do it.
Date: 2002-09-23 03:08 pm (UTC)Hee! Yes, actually. I'm sure that would be inspiring.
It DOES NOT MATTER how long it takes. All that matters is that you slog through and finish. One of my closest grad-school friends, who took even longer than I did, told me that her system was to have a daily goal of two pages. "Even if it's mule puke, I write two new original pages. Then I can go back and revise yesterday's mule puke." She is now up for tenure at her dream job.
The lucky thing for me is that more than half of the writing is already done. I have the introduction and literature review and method already written - all that's left to write up are the results and the conclusion. It's all been about the data. Which means that if I get all the data on this trip, I'll be in good shape to finish in the spring.
Thanks for your encouragement, Anne. It helps a lot because I know you've been there.
Re: If I can do it, you can do it.
Date: 2002-09-23 06:14 pm (UTC)And you _will_ get all the data this trip, because your back is to the wall. You've come too far to stop now...you've undelegated from the idiot, you're doing it all yourself, and there's no way anything is going to keep you from finishing. (I tell you three times!) ;-)
Hugs,
Anne