(no subject)
Jul. 8th, 2004 05:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaI have something to say.
Five years ago, I developed a blister on my labia after having condom-protected sex with a new partner. Testing identified it as herpes simplex 1, a form which usually, but not always, presents orally. How I got infected remains a mystery to this day.
I am not dirty. I am not disgusting. I am not a pariah. It does not go without saying that I should absent myself from poly settings for life. Sleeping with me is not a sign that you lack intelligence or self-respect, it is a sign that you are really fucking lucky.
And unless you have never had genital contact with another human being, you'd be a fool to think that it couldn't have happened to you.
That is all.
Five years ago, I developed a blister on my labia after having condom-protected sex with a new partner. Testing identified it as herpes simplex 1, a form which usually, but not always, presents orally. How I got infected remains a mystery to this day.
I am not dirty. I am not disgusting. I am not a pariah. It does not go without saying that I should absent myself from poly settings for life. Sleeping with me is not a sign that you lack intelligence or self-respect, it is a sign that you are really fucking lucky.
And unless you have never had genital contact with another human being, you'd be a fool to think that it couldn't have happened to you.
That is all.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2004-07-08 03:00 pm (UTC)I do know someone who is not so lucky...
Date: 2004-07-08 03:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 03:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 03:29 pm (UTC)We are both sort of right. ;)
Date: 2004-07-08 03:42 pm (UTC)" By the time they're teenagers or young adults, about 50% of Americans have HSV-1 antibodies in their blood. By the time they are over age 50, some 80-90% of Americans have HSV-1 antibodies."
The entire article is interesting read.
Re: We are both sort of right. ;)
Date: 2004-07-08 04:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 03:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 03:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 05:32 pm (UTC)1) It is a sexually transmitted disease
2) it is completely, 100%, no questions asked, permanent.
The crucial missing fact, that it's probably not going to be a humongous deal ("big", maybe, "humongous", almost certainly not) can get lost in the horror of the first two.
I do think the "What the fuck, am I crazy?" bit is a little over the top, but I had my own herpes scare, and I understand the flabbergastedness that probably caused the overreaction.
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Date: 2004-07-08 06:48 pm (UTC)You're just the best.
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Date: 2004-07-08 03:24 pm (UTC)signed,
a person who might be schmoopy in that direction did she not need another ldr like she needs another hole in the head.
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Date: 2004-07-09 11:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 03:27 pm (UTC)am I practicing unsafe social intercourse?
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Date: 2004-07-08 03:31 pm (UTC)Yeah. That.
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Date: 2004-07-08 05:01 pm (UTC)I read part of those comment chains. Gah.
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Date: 2004-07-08 03:40 pm (UTC)What is important is that I COMMUNICATE the added risk factor to any potential partners.
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Date: 2004-07-08 03:57 pm (UTC)A gossip in my workplace saw the meds in my purse and began whispering to co-workers that I had (shock, horrors!) herpes. One of them came to me in concern.
CW: "So and So is saying you have herpes."
Me: "I fail to see how that could possibly be any of her business."
CW: "She said she saw herpes pills in your purse at lunch."
Me: "Uh huh. Well, I am taking a precription for a viral infection. You do know that cold sores and herpes I and II and chicken pox and shingles are caused by related viruses, right?"
CW: (sighs in relief) "Well, no. But which one are you taking it for?"
Me: "Why?"
CW: "So I can tell So and So she's wrong."
Me: "Like I said, it's none of her business."
CW: "Don't you care if people here think you have herpes?"
Me: "Not really. I don't plan on sleeping with any of them, so whether or not I have herpes, or the clap, or bilious fevers is really none of their business."
CW: "I don't understand you."
Me: "That's okay."
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Date: 2004-07-08 04:00 pm (UTC)I suppose I should be surprised by the "rules" outlined by the person you linked to, but I'm not. It's gotten to the point where I'm saddened, but not surprised, by people whose STD-prevention rules for themselves rely mostly on anybody they're sleeping with not having anything.
-J
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Date: 2004-07-08 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 06:54 pm (UTC)*beam!*
It's gotten to the point where I'm saddened, but not surprised, by people whose STD-prevention rules for themselves rely mostly on anybody they're sleeping with not having anything.
The comment that really made me wince was the person whose poly circle has firm testing rules, with no sex allowed if the person tests positive. She remarked that it had just occurred to her that perhaps they ought to discuss what they would do if one of their existing partners came up positive for something. *sigh* Yes, perhaps they ought.
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Date: 2004-07-08 04:31 pm (UTC)I don't have herpes, and I was totally offended by that.
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Date: 2004-07-08 04:40 pm (UTC)I suppose, though I think it silly, that I can understand her not wanting to take any risk. Pointless, because it can't be done, but if she wants to weigh every decision (or even every sexual decision, though in the context it seems she is trashing a lot more than just the nookie here) against the slightest dram of potential risk... her life to live.
But the sense that everyone else ought to be leaping to her defense, and (as you pointed out) the corollary that anyone who is positive for a herpes simplex, ought to be a leprous pariah... that's where she loses my sympathy (not that she ever had my support... life is full of risks, and herpes is low on my list of things to be in mortal, life altering, terror of).
And, yeah, from what I've seen, anyone you chose to allow to risk an infection... would be fucking lucky.
TK
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Date: 2004-07-08 05:00 pm (UTC)*ovation*
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Date: 2004-07-08 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 06:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 10:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 05:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 06:43 pm (UTC)I mean, if it weren't for the whole straight and monogamous thing, I would.
Cheerfully.
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Date: 2004-07-08 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 08:27 pm (UTC)Damn right it is. And indeed I am. Lucky, honored, and very loved.
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Date: 2004-07-08 08:41 pm (UTC)i agree...rivka, you rock! and you said things i wanted to say but couldn't!
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Date: 2004-07-08 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-08 08:56 pm (UTC)In my idealist zealot safer sex educator days I probably would have been as fucked up and obnoxious but I'm now 15 years older and I think a lot wiser about realistic expectations.
To me, personally, the boundary is communication or lack thereof. Responsibility can be divined better through talking than it can be through medical records. I think the OP seems to feel that responsible people are identical to people who have never had a disease. Which is, duh, not objectively true.
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Date: 2004-07-08 09:11 pm (UTC)Has anyone suggested to this person that is they are that flipped out about that and concerned about infection that maybe they should just be in a reciprocally monogamous relationship?
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Date: 2004-07-08 10:38 pm (UTC)Yes.
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Date: 2004-07-09 12:25 am (UTC)were I in the process of developing an intimate relationship with someone, and they tell me that they have herpes or some other disease, I would put the physical aspect of the relationship on hold *until* I learned more about it and was aware of the risks and could asses them rationally. If they're acceptable, then all is good. Otherwise, renegoation on the relationship would be in order.
herpes != leprosy
Sometimes things just happen, like they did with you. and that sucks hard core, but you've obviously dealt well with it, so bravo to dyou!
as for the OP in that thread... he maketh me want to smack the shit out of him.
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Date: 2004-07-09 05:35 am (UTC)A sensible precaution. When I was diagnosed, all sex in all of my relationships stopped until we researched and re-negotiated and basically figured out what was what. (For example, it was important to me to figure out if I was going to be having outbreaks all the time, or what. I'd follow substantially different protocols if that were the case.)
Practicing safer sex is important, but not sufficient, to avoid herpes. When an infected person is having an outbreak - or the prodromal symptoms which sometimes signal an incipient outbreak, such as pain, tingling, or itching - it's important to abstain from most kinds of genital contact. Condoms typically don't cover all affected areas.
Her side of the affair
Date: 2004-07-09 01:21 am (UTC)Secundus: She posted her version of the events further down (and if it's as she presents it, she is far more level headed than I).
""she's still thinking about sleeping with him."
This is not accurate. What was said was, "what activities would be ok or not ok?" (in the situation of a physical relationship with some one with herpes 1&2
This was asked to determine Ssanu's feelings of safety. At what point would he feel his safety had been comprimised? What activities would cause him to say, "hey if you do that than I can't have a physical relationship with you"?
The information gathered as a result of THIS question was to be used to evaluate whether the new beau would want to continue a friendship with said activities availble but not others.
The answer to the question has yet to be given.
"She flipped." Because she has been misrepresented and greatly misunderstood."
Which casts him in a far more unfavorable light than his first post did.
TK
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Date: 2004-07-09 03:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-12 02:30 pm (UTC)Should I do more research in herpes? Should I not let Rob change Linnea's nappy when he has a cold sore? Or should I get us all tested?
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Date: 2004-07-13 01:57 am (UTC)As for the nappy issue, it oughtn't be a problem, wash his hands and refrain from touching the sore while he's changing her.
TK