When do you speak?

[rivka]

As I have done several times before, at one point this weekend I bit my tongue and said nothing when one of my in-laws said something racist.

In this case, she was explaining that she'd purchased a second cemetery plot because there were too many blacks - and I can't even begin to convey the tone of voice in which she said the word "blacks;" it mingled scandal, contempt, disgust, and a revolting just-between-us intimacy, and I cannot think of any way that tone could be used to say something that wasn't shameful - at any rate, too many blacks at the cemetery where she already owns a plot. She went on to relate a story about how someone had once stolen artificial flowers from her husband's grave.

I wanted to say something sarcastic about posthumous segregation, and I wanted to say that I was pretty sure that a white person could steal flowers just as easily as a black person. I wanted to ask her how could go on to Mass feeling like a good Christian immediately after saying such ugly things - she was actually holding her rosary while she said them.

I had made a vow, however, to prioritize Michael's dying father's comfort and his ability to bond with his grandchild over everything else that happened that weekend. And I didn't think that any good could possibly come from confronting her with her ugly and shameful behavior. So I said nothing, and after my initial horrified and disgusted glance I kept my eyes averted.

I'm sure that the incident has left her memory without making a mark, but two days later I still feel dirty. I am feeling as though I went too far in the service of family harmony.

Do you always speak up? Does one have a duty as a human being to always speak up? When do you protest, and when are you silent?

Comments

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I think that often you can't change the mind of the person who is making the statement. So often these beliefs are not even rational -- they're held on a deeper level and ingrained from childhood. The only reason you should speak up is if your daughter, for example, was listening and learning about the world from your grandmother. But I still might instead explain to Alex later why Mommy and Daddy feel differently than Grandma does, instead of making it a point of confrontation.

My grandmother is a "Focus on the Family" Christian (no really -- she's sent me more than one of the books). She is a kind, loving and giving person who happens to be in the thrall of the wacko conservatives. (I suspect she's not the only one out there.) This Thanksgiving I was careful not to have any of our "They're nutso and ruining the country" conversations in front of her. Why? Because I don't think we can change her mind, and I don't want to accuse her of being unloving because she's not. There are times when fighting it out might change a mind. And there are times when it will not. The trick is to pick the fights that can be won, and to love your family through the fights that can't be.

At least, that's how I'm dealing with similar issues.