When do you speak?

[rivka]

As I have done several times before, at one point this weekend I bit my tongue and said nothing when one of my in-laws said something racist.

In this case, she was explaining that she'd purchased a second cemetery plot because there were too many blacks - and I can't even begin to convey the tone of voice in which she said the word "blacks;" it mingled scandal, contempt, disgust, and a revolting just-between-us intimacy, and I cannot think of any way that tone could be used to say something that wasn't shameful - at any rate, too many blacks at the cemetery where she already owns a plot. She went on to relate a story about how someone had once stolen artificial flowers from her husband's grave.

I wanted to say something sarcastic about posthumous segregation, and I wanted to say that I was pretty sure that a white person could steal flowers just as easily as a black person. I wanted to ask her how could go on to Mass feeling like a good Christian immediately after saying such ugly things - she was actually holding her rosary while she said them.

I had made a vow, however, to prioritize Michael's dying father's comfort and his ability to bond with his grandchild over everything else that happened that weekend. And I didn't think that any good could possibly come from confronting her with her ugly and shameful behavior. So I said nothing, and after my initial horrified and disgusted glance I kept my eyes averted.

I'm sure that the incident has left her memory without making a mark, but two days later I still feel dirty. I am feeling as though I went too far in the service of family harmony.

Do you always speak up? Does one have a duty as a human being to always speak up? When do you protest, and when are you silent?

Comments

[going-not-gone.livejournal.com]

I had made a vow, however, to prioritize Michael's dying father's comfort and his ability to bond with his grandchild over everything else that happened that weekend. And I didn't think that any good could possibly come from confronting her with her ugly and shameful behavior.

Good on you for keeping that vow. I think that this weekend was not the time for it. Also, sadly, I think she will give you plenty of similar opportunities to confront this behavior in the future.

I think if Alex was old enough to understand, speaking up would be more important. I think that you always have to weigh the other factors, including whether speaking up will actually make a bad situation worse. Sometimes it's worth it, other times not so much. Pick your battles.

But if MIL is going to be in your child's life as she grows up, you will eventually have to confront this issue. You may not be able to teach your MIL anything, but you can and will teach Alex an important lesson.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

I, to my shame, do not always speak up. But I also can swallow a lot for family harmony and, in the end, it was too hurtful to me to continue little things like being married.

But when I do speak up, I tend to make it questioning rather than accusatory -- a typical example is the tendency of my family members (New York Jewish) to look askance on anything German, where I'll call them on it but do so more in a "why do you think that conditions from 60 years ago hold today" kind of way. And I likely wouldn't have done it in such a way as to cause discomfort to a dying man.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

And, BTW, may I point people to this entry?

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Do you always speak up?

No. It's part of that old "Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig," thing.

Does one have a duty as a human being to always speak up?

I don't think so. Speaking up when the people on the receiving end have a chance of hearing what you're saying is one thing. But there's no point in transmitting when the receiver is turned off.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

I think you know my answer to this, but for the benefit of other people reading: I always speak up. Over the years I've gotten better about making my point in a way that the person hearing it is most likely to respond to, and altering the tone I use to speak up depending on the message I want to get across. But I couldn't imagine not speaking up at all.

I know that some people think I don't always make the right decision on this, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I strongly value well-argued opinions, and don't think much of traditional forms of politeness.

-J

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

i usually don't get into a confrontation about it, but i do say things like, "that kind of talk and that kind of attitude make me feel very uncomfortable. in the interests of family harmony, i'd really appreciate it if you could find somethign else to speak on."

you'd be surprised how many white family members say things like "those people" (meaning blacks) in front of me, because i'm not "them", i'm "one of us". (rolls eyes)

n.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

I think that often you can't change the mind of the person who is making the statement. So often these beliefs are not even rational -- they're held on a deeper level and ingrained from childhood. The only reason you should speak up is if your daughter, for example, was listening and learning about the world from your grandmother. But I still might instead explain to Alex later why Mommy and Daddy feel differently than Grandma does, instead of making it a point of confrontation.

My grandmother is a "Focus on the Family" Christian (no really -- she's sent me more than one of the books). She is a kind, loving and giving person who happens to be in the thrall of the wacko conservatives. (I suspect she's not the only one out there.) This Thanksgiving I was careful not to have any of our "They're nutso and ruining the country" conversations in front of her. Why? Because I don't think we can change her mind, and I don't want to accuse her of being unloving because she's not. There are times when fighting it out might change a mind. And there are times when it will not. The trick is to pick the fights that can be won, and to love your family through the fights that can't be.

At least, that's how I'm dealing with similar issues.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure there's hope for anyone who puts artificial flowers on graves.

;-)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I really admire you. I would like to be closer to where you are on this issue than where I am now.

It wasn't about traditional politeness, it was about trying to avoid a fight. I think I do have a tendency, at least in face-to-face settings, to let too many things go in the name of not making waves. But the more I think about that incident, the more I wish I had said something. Would it have "accomplished" anything? Well, if nothing else, it would have made it clear that I don't agree with her. By not saying anything, I feel complicit.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

The cemeteries in Memphis don't seem to allow real flowers.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

you'd be surprised how many white family members say things like "those people" (meaning blacks) in front of me, because i'm not "them", i'm "one of us". (rolls eyes)

Oh my God. That's revolting. I'm so sorry.

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

I generally don't speak up, preferring to practice a more antique form of manners by cutting the person socially. If, for example, I were at a family gathering and seated next to someone who said something like that, I'd say in response, "Oh, excuse me, I need to X," and get up and go somewhere else. This works at work, too (family and work being the only circumstances under which I can see it being possible to have to tolerate people of such opinions instead of avoiding them altogether.) I have found that except in rare circumstances people who says such things are not going to listen to an explanation of their error - at best, they will claim to have been misunderstood, and at worst will wade even deeper into bigotry in self-defense. I feel I have fulfilled my moral obligation by making it clear that I am not going to be party to such a conversation.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

Ugh, really?

I suppose it's all of a piece with burying people in lead-lined containers.

So much for ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

I do get where the people are coming from who are saying "you're not going to change her mind anyway"--that's a very pragmatic point of view. But one of my core principles is that it's a bad idea to have opinions that are both strongly held and unconsidered. And speaking up forces people to think about where they're coming from, at the very least, even if their mind doesn't change.

Mostly, though, it's not a matter of accomplishing anything, or even "being a good person." It's about staying true to myself.

-J

[zencuppa.livejournal.com]

Do I speak? Depends.

If my son Nick, who (unike your little one) is old enough to understand, is in the room, most *definitely.* He needs to know that speaking your mind is *good* and that his parents do NOT agree with racism and prejudice.

I also silently vow (as you do) that I will not raise my children to think this way.

I understand not wanting to adversely affect the atmosphere, because Alex would pick-up on it (and of course, the adults would react in a variety of ways, most of which unfortunately would't be good for Alex).

Kudos for you .. "Pick your battles" is my motto in regards to this situation. There are many other ways that you fight ugly attitudes like this, and that is what's truly important.

[geekchick]

That's definitely the case in the cemetery my parents are in. Artificial only, no real plants or flowers.

[telerib.livejournal.com]

While I have trouble remembering specific incidents, I doubt that I always speak up. Sometimes it's fatigue - my grandma isn't changing her fifty year old opinions on MLK, Jr. We've had that conversation already. Sometimes it's shock - by the time I've realized, "She really did say that!" and thought of some proper response, the conversation has moved on, and I can't figure a way to address the issue without inflaming things further. And sometimes it's a matter of concern for this human right here overriding a concern for an abstract humanity.

You showed compassion for Michael's father, I think - and in a way that was difficult for you, because it meant compromising other values that you hold very dearly. From the way you phrased you vow, this wasn't about preserving harmony for its own sake, or simple politeness, as it was an expression of love for this particular man in this time, in this place, under these unhappy circumstances. You put his need to spend these holidays happily ahead of your need to fight for social justice.

FWIW, I don't think you were wrong to do so.

[jilesa.livejournal.com]

This is a struggle for me every time I'm with my biological relatives. I don't always speak up-- often because such comments stop my brain cold and I spend so much time kick-starting it again that the conversation has passed on to other topics by the time I can even think of anything to say. Like you, I feel besmirched afterward, and wonder if I'm doing myself or my family any good by letting such statements pass unchallenged.

The times I have said spoken up, I've found myself responding in a more bitter and condemnatory way than is productive. Calling someone on their bad behavior in a way that doesn't make them shut down entirely requires more tactfulness than I have. The best I've been able to manage is something to the effect of, "Those remarks make me very uncomfortable, so I think I need to remove myself from this conversation."

I always want to be more eloquent, tactful, and persuasive, though. I mean, some of my blood relatives are just knuckle-dragging cretins who won't be swayed from their prejudices, but some of them are otherwise sensitive and caring people who probably don't realize what they're doing. I'm just not sure how to distinguish between the two and how to talk to the ones who could be educated without alienating them.

[ratphooey.livejournal.com]

What an awful trend.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, especially during a weekend that was already so stressful. It's an ongoing problem with my relatives, and I confess that my usual response is to avoid the racist (and sexist, and other bigoted) relatives as much as possible. If you continue to have an ongoing relationship with this bigot, you will have plenty of opportunities to confront her when you're not trying to cope with a sick baby and a dying father-in-law at the same time. You're a resourceful person who knows how to choose your battles wisely...you might even find an opportunity to confront her when it will have a chance to change her mind a little, in addition to relieving your feelings and setting a good example for Alex.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

No, I don't always speak up. I do when I think it might make a difference, but I hold my tongue when other, equally important values come into play.

This has not always been the case, but as I grow older I find that no single value trumps the rest; social activism and justice sometimes take a back seat to simple human compassion.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Oh God, me too.

[curiousangel.livejournal.com]

I think she will give you plenty of similar opportunities to confront this behavior in the future.

Fortunately, that probably is not the case. She lives a thousand miles away, and seeing Dad's condition over the weekend has convinced me that barring a miracle of some kind, he's not going to last even another year. When that happens... Alex may eventually find herself in Memphis for her own reasons, and we may bring her along if we go back for something, but my stepmother is going to be completely and totally cut out of my life.

I do appreciate what she's done for my father, and I rather like her sons, and they've both married people I like even better, but she's just a poisonous harpy that I wouldn't give two snaps to go see. I expect the issue will come up with other people eventually, but I don't expect my stepmother to be a future problem.

[toadnae.livejournal.com]

My family is Focus on the Family Christian conservatives. Fortunately, they are also Minnesota-nice and have a deep and abiding horror of uncomfortable dialogue. I don't have children I need to model behavior for, so my usual response is simply to be uncomfortable, let that show in my face, and then develop a sudden need to visit the bathroom until the topic has changed. I agree with several others who have responded, in that picking your battles can be important. I'm not going to change my parents' minds, especially about anything touching on religion.

I think the key I have found is understanding that my family and I approach the world from profoundly different places. We aren't going to agree on many issues, including issues which are important to me. I had to make a decision: do I speak up every time and end up with no relationship with my family, or do I work to remove myself from conversations that make me uncomfortable and maintain a relationship with my family? For myself, I am not willing to abandon relations with my family. It's not easy, but for now, it's where I'm at.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

just at this past thanksgiving i was explaining something about the history of my father's side of the family and my aunt on my maternal side asked me how i could possibly believe him that there was 1) native american blood, and 2) irish blood on that side of the family.

i asked her when had it become popular to mythologize having the irish and native americans marry?

she said i couldn't believe anything he said, and i replied that while my father does like ot exaggerate, i happen to have a box full of photographs and tapes of my grandfather talking about the family history.

she shut up then.

since this particular aunt was always the worse of the "those people" comment makers, i am still in shock that she was a SOCIAL WORKER for 35 years! i mean, WTF?!

n.