When do you speak?

[rivka]

As I have done several times before, at one point this weekend I bit my tongue and said nothing when one of my in-laws said something racist.

In this case, she was explaining that she'd purchased a second cemetery plot because there were too many blacks - and I can't even begin to convey the tone of voice in which she said the word "blacks;" it mingled scandal, contempt, disgust, and a revolting just-between-us intimacy, and I cannot think of any way that tone could be used to say something that wasn't shameful - at any rate, too many blacks at the cemetery where she already owns a plot. She went on to relate a story about how someone had once stolen artificial flowers from her husband's grave.

I wanted to say something sarcastic about posthumous segregation, and I wanted to say that I was pretty sure that a white person could steal flowers just as easily as a black person. I wanted to ask her how could go on to Mass feeling like a good Christian immediately after saying such ugly things - she was actually holding her rosary while she said them.

I had made a vow, however, to prioritize Michael's dying father's comfort and his ability to bond with his grandchild over everything else that happened that weekend. And I didn't think that any good could possibly come from confronting her with her ugly and shameful behavior. So I said nothing, and after my initial horrified and disgusted glance I kept my eyes averted.

I'm sure that the incident has left her memory without making a mark, but two days later I still feel dirty. I am feeling as though I went too far in the service of family harmony.

Do you always speak up? Does one have a duty as a human being to always speak up? When do you protest, and when are you silent?

Comments

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

I generally don't speak up, preferring to practice a more antique form of manners by cutting the person socially. If, for example, I were at a family gathering and seated next to someone who said something like that, I'd say in response, "Oh, excuse me, I need to X," and get up and go somewhere else. This works at work, too (family and work being the only circumstances under which I can see it being possible to have to tolerate people of such opinions instead of avoiding them altogether.) I have found that except in rare circumstances people who says such things are not going to listen to an explanation of their error - at best, they will claim to have been misunderstood, and at worst will wade even deeper into bigotry in self-defense. I feel I have fulfilled my moral obligation by making it clear that I am not going to be party to such a conversation.