When do you speak?
Nov. 28th, 2005 11:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivkaAs I have done several times before, at one point this weekend I bit my tongue and said nothing when one of my in-laws said something racist.
In this case, she was explaining that she'd purchased a second cemetery plot because there were too many blacks - and I can't even begin to convey the tone of voice in which she said the word "blacks;" it mingled scandal, contempt, disgust, and a revolting just-between-us intimacy, and I cannot think of any way that tone could be used to say something that wasn't shameful - at any rate, too many blacks at the cemetery where she already owns a plot. She went on to relate a story about how someone had once stolen artificial flowers from her husband's grave.
I wanted to say something sarcastic about posthumous segregation, and I wanted to say that I was pretty sure that a white person could steal flowers just as easily as a black person. I wanted to ask her how could go on to Mass feeling like a good Christian immediately after saying such ugly things - she was actually holding her rosary while she said them.
I had made a vow, however, to prioritize Michael's dying father's comfort and his ability to bond with his grandchild over everything else that happened that weekend. And I didn't think that any good could possibly come from confronting her with her ugly and shameful behavior. So I said nothing, and after my initial horrified and disgusted glance I kept my eyes averted.
I'm sure that the incident has left her memory without making a mark, but two days later I still feel dirty. I am feeling as though I went too far in the service of family harmony.
Do you always speak up? Does one have a duty as a human being to always speak up? When do you protest, and when are you silent?
In this case, she was explaining that she'd purchased a second cemetery plot because there were too many blacks - and I can't even begin to convey the tone of voice in which she said the word "blacks;" it mingled scandal, contempt, disgust, and a revolting just-between-us intimacy, and I cannot think of any way that tone could be used to say something that wasn't shameful - at any rate, too many blacks at the cemetery where she already owns a plot. She went on to relate a story about how someone had once stolen artificial flowers from her husband's grave.
I wanted to say something sarcastic about posthumous segregation, and I wanted to say that I was pretty sure that a white person could steal flowers just as easily as a black person. I wanted to ask her how could go on to Mass feeling like a good Christian immediately after saying such ugly things - she was actually holding her rosary while she said them.
I had made a vow, however, to prioritize Michael's dying father's comfort and his ability to bond with his grandchild over everything else that happened that weekend. And I didn't think that any good could possibly come from confronting her with her ugly and shameful behavior. So I said nothing, and after my initial horrified and disgusted glance I kept my eyes averted.
I'm sure that the incident has left her memory without making a mark, but two days later I still feel dirty. I am feeling as though I went too far in the service of family harmony.
Do you always speak up? Does one have a duty as a human being to always speak up? When do you protest, and when are you silent?
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Date: 2005-11-29 06:25 am (UTC)you say no, and that's of course ok for yourself, but i consider speaking up part of who i want to be as a person. i want to make a stand against bigotry because i grew up with so much crap. i make exceptions only for people who're very ill or dying.
it's not always about teaching the pig to sing; i don't flatter myself that i can change every mind. it's about not letting the pig get away with the idea that the noises it's making are worthy of my respect, or are even acceptable to people of good sense. because they are not. i think speaking up early and often lets people get away with less hateful scraps of speech and thought, and works towards not ending up with the sort of situation niemöller decried. i think it's too late if one waits with speaking up until the shit is deep enough to shovel.
i don't necessarily make a scene, mind, and i don't always engage the person in a conversation, but i will almost always say something like "i am profoundly uncomfortable with racist/sexist/etc remarks like this, please do not make them towards me." i get very little argument, actually. maybe the aura of "don't FUCK with me, you ignorant twit" has something to do with that. there's usually a moment of deeply uncomfortable silence, and then everybody pretends nothing was said (i love that, because we all know what was said, and i can always tell who agrees). if i get an argument, i will often cut it off with the next sentence, because i don't want the twit to take over the conversation.
this is not hard once one decides politeness isn't all it's cracked up to be, and i recognized that long ago. the pig might walk away with a bad opinion of how rude i am, but considering how many bystanders have thanked me for saying something, who cares. and i don't have to feel dirty.