Mother of the year.

[rivka]

Never in her whole life have I ever been this close to spanking my kid.

We went to the playground for a picnic and running around with friends. While I was packing up afterward to go home, Alex started running down the long long path to where we parked.

"Alex, wait for me," I called. She laughed and kept running. She kept laughing and running when I stopped what I was doing, stood up, and bellowed "No, stop now" at the top of my lungs, in my this-is-a-major-issue voice. She kept running when I came after her, still shouting for her to stop. She finally stopped about 100 yards away from where we'd started.

Not. Okay.

All I could think of as I came after her was spanking her. Instead I told her how angry I was, grabbed her firmly by the arm, and marched her back to where our things were. I ordered her to sit on the ground and not move while I packed up the rest of our picnic things and I tried to calm down a little. Then I got down at her level and told her, firmly and angrily, that the biggest safety rule our family has is that she STOP and COME BACK when she is told. She knows this rule. Breaking the rule is dangerous. I told her that I was very, very angry.

I held her firmly by the hand all the way down the long path to the car. She's not used to that. She tried saying that she didn't want me to hold her hand, and I told her that she had to have her hand held because I couldn't trust her to listen to my directions. We usually go at a meandering, flower-picking pace. Not this time.

I told her that we aren't going to go anywhere else today, and she's not going to play outside at all. She asked me if I was going to water the plants without her, and I told her that I was.

I am still so, so angry. And a part of me is still thinking that she'd take the whole thing a lot more seriously if I had hit her.

Other non-spanking parents, I could use a pep talk right now.

Comments

[thette.livejournal.com]

It's so hard to keep those impulses under control sometimes. But if you don't use violence against her, it's going to be an even more difficult line to cross for her when she has children of her own.

Maybe not much of a pep talk, but I'm cheering for your restraint.

[ailbhe]

But if you don't use violence against her, it's going to be an even more difficult line to cross for her when she has children of her own.


This is so so true. We learn a lot about parenting before we're two, even.

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

Actually that would be pretty much my only exception to the non-spanking rule. The consequences of not-stopping-when-mom-demands-it-for-real can be so severe that I might spank my child for this offence, even though I never have spanked him.

On the other hand, I think that your reaction is likely sufficient and severe enough, and Alex is smart enough, to make a repeat unlikely.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I know, a lot of people make an exception for this. The canonical example is "if your kid is running into the street..." My logic has always been that if I am close enough to spank her during a child-approaches-danger episode, I am close enough to take nonviolent physical control of her.

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

On the plus side, while running after her you have a few seconds to suppress the urge.

I agree with what you did and didn't do. It's not a good line to cross.

[malibrarian.livejournal.com]

I don't think that she would have taken things more seriously if you had hit her. So be calm about that part. And she got a serious punishment without being able to go outside for the rest of the day.

That being said, there was a time when Sarah was between three and four where she just took off everywhere and wouldn't listen at all. In the park, in parking lots (which was really frightening), in stores, she just ran and ran. We spoke with her every time and she finally calmed down and stopped running away from us and is now very careful and is quite bossy with the smaller kids in the neighbood about safety rules.

Hopefully this is just a phase, but I swear I lost years off my life while it lasted.

[naomikritzer]

When I was three or four, I rode my trike into the street one day. Apparently my parents did spank me (they were regular spankers) but what I actually remembered was that they took my trike away AND PUT IT IN THE RAFTERS OF THE GARAGE. Also, I had to stay inside for the rest of the day.

Non-violent consequences do have an impact. Really truly. More of an impact, often, than spanking.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Yep. I had a very similar experience at 3 or 4, where my best friend whined and badgered me until I went down the street to her house without getting permission or telling anyone where I was going. I don't recall any spanking either (it's possible there was one, I don't know that my parents were philosophically anti-spanking or not, but I have no memories of ever being spanking), but it's my first clear memory of my own childhood: the _very stern lecture_ my dad gave me on responsibility to others. Feeling the sheer force of his disappointment with me that day, that I had made him unhappy (and understanding even a little that he had good reason to be... it still resonates 40+ years later.

Now I can't speak as a parent, not being one, but obviously some of this is about your own anger. (Lord knows I have a temper -- inherited from the same dad -- and it took years to learn to keep it in check.) I'm guessing that Alex is not old enough to understand -- not fully -- all the reasons for why you are so upset. (I know I didn't realize as a kid that people could actually get seriously hurt, etc. We were immortal and invincible, right?) But I'm pretty sure she can tell that you are upset, and that will make an impression. Maybe not immediately, but just be consistent in how you react.

I know you will figure out your ways to deal with this that will be effective and fit with your values as a parent. In the meantime, hang in there. *hug offered, if helpful*

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Yep. My parents hit my regularly and shouted even more. (Irish, hot tempered, yelling was the norm in my house.) The scariest memories were when they sat me down and coldly and calmly told me I had done something wrong.

If you are never usually that intense with her about instuctions, she will remember this. Kids notice when things are very very different from the norm.

[erbie.livejournal.com]

I can certainly understand the impulse, but think of what you're trying to teach her. Is hitting her going to do it? Or is it going to break her trust in you that Mama would never hurt her? I think what you did do was sufficient for getting through to her that it was very serious.

Also, three year olds have no impulse control. They think it and then they do it. It's likely that this kind of behavior will not go away for a while. This is likely a lesson you're going to be teaching repeatedly, so maybe thinking about it when you're not so fresh and raw with the terror and anger, and figuring out how exactly you want to handle it when it comes up again, might be a good idea.

My older daughter was a runner. She'd run straight for the street, laughing all the way. And she very much resisted having her hand held. I strongly considered a child leash for a while, when getting to and from the car, because she absolutely would not stop, no matter what I said or did. I had to hold her hand or carry her whenever we were in a situation where she could run into the street for probably a year to 18 months. She did finally get it, after much discussion of what would happen if a car hit her. My younger is coming into that age where she's going to start, so I will also hold her hand or carry her, even if it's kicking and screaming.

Also, if Alex needs to run, or if she starts to do this kind of thing regularly, maybe a last run around the park at top speed might help her get the running impulse out in a safe space so she won't feel the need when it's not safe.

[kate-schaefer.livejournal.com]

I think the real consequences you've imposed are what count. That desire to hit? We all have it. You are right to fight it.

I hit your goddaughter once, when she ran into traffic and I just barely caught her in time. What I should have done instead of hitting her butt was turn around and go home, but I was so scared that I whacked her butt. After that, I was so ashamed of having hit her that we went on to the playground. I don't think she took away anything useful from that episode. I took away the lesson that four-year-olds really don't have much impulse control, so adults had better use all the impulse control available.

I don't think I've ever hit either of my other grandchildren. I have grabbed them with a little more emphasis than I thought later was appropriate. It's very, very hard to be an adult in control of all that adult strength. It really pays off in later years. It is utterly worth it to be around children who expect to be treated as people, who don't expect they're going to be hit.

[tammylc.livejournal.com]

I don't know if your "Mother of the Year" title was meant to be ironic, but I'm serious impressed by your restraint and the way you took care of the situation.

I try to look at discipline from the natural consequences direction. So punishments should follow from the nature of the act. Now, I'm not so good at this - in frustration with Liam's inability to listen, I've resorted to removing privileges that have nothing to do with what the problem was. And god knows that my general frustration with his behavior has made me *want* to smack him (or a wall or something) more than once. But it's that general philosophy that makes spanking not make sense to me - there's just no connection between the two things, so you have to pull back from the act long enough to explain "You did this bad thing so now I'm going to hit you." And that just makes no sense to me whatsoever, given all the emphasis on - you know - not hitting people!

[papersky.livejournal.com]

I don't think she would.

It's incredibly hard, and you did very well.

My theory on punishment is that the kid has to hate it and feel punished and remember it next time, and you never punish them for accidents. Hitting them, well, they hate it, but how's it going to work when they're fifteen and bigger than you are? I think continuing to hold her hand tomorrow and the next day and until she's thoroughly sick of it and prepared to promise she'll never never do that again might be a good idea. She pushed -- they do that. She pushed in a dangerous way, and she got a reaction, and what she learns needs to be that there's a real line there.

We used to have a beanbag that Z couldn't get off when placed on it on his back, which made him feel helpless and trapped. Just the threat of the beanbag was incredibly effective, even after he was old enough that he could have got off it quite easily. It was the ultimate sanction. I think we only actually put him on it about three times. But last September when he stayed out all night I mentioned it ("What am I supposed to do, I can't put you on the beanbag...") and he flinched a little.

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

that's incredible.

[naomikritzer]

I have a friend, a former spanker, who says, "Spanking seems like it works until one day when they turn to you and say, 'that didn't hurt' in a snotty voice. At that point you have to choose between BEATING your child...and coming up with a different way to discipline. You might as well discipline non-violently from the get-go."

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

She wouldn't be taking the whole thing more seriously if you had hit her. Your anger - both the immediate violent expression of it and your more controlled explanation - is at least as serious to her as hitting would be, and very probably more so. I was spanked and my memory of it is being outraged; it did not have the desired effect of making me take things seriously. If anything it provoked rebellion and insubordination.

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

((hug)) if you would like one and a nice cup of tea. Wow, I know that feeling and I applaud you. Yay, you didn't give in to the very understandable urge to spank her. I think it's a natural reaction to being scared and angry, to lash out--I mean, since you're suffering, shouldn't she? (And I use you in the general sense.) I think parents who spank in that situation rationalize it as teaching a lesson but really (imo) it's about being frustrated and scared. The kid learns to fear the parent not the road.

Royce has a leash because he likes to wander off, and he likes it or we would have some other solution. He doesn't, however, always like the stroller so if he does something like that, he has to go in it. I agree with the speaking to her every time, and even before you go out--she's very smart, but even smart kids have poor impulse control at this age.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I think it's a natural reaction to being scared and angry, to lash out--I mean, since you're suffering, shouldn't she?

I think you're right on the button here.

[(Anonymous)]

It's really hard to control the frustrated anger we feel sometimes. I've been there, and had some very similar issues.

Whenever I felt it building inside me, I'd create a situation where we'd be separated for a minute or two. Often this would involve sending my son to his room. This served two purposes. It signalled to him that he'd done something wrong, and also gave me time to calm myself down. After all, it's not as if he misbehaved to spite me. Sometimes it was a matter of not listening, or not understanding why something was wrong (at least to the degree I saw it), or a matter of forgetting, or just simply that he was two or three years old and didn't really recognize body language and tone of voice very well.

Hitting him wouldn't have helped. It would have made him fear me, and fear isn't the same thing as respect. Instead we'd have our time to calm down and think about what had happened. Then I'd go to his room and we'd talk. I always insisted that he listen to me first, although I did often agree to a hug first, and then I'd listen to him. During his tantrum phase, getting him to go to his room for that pause was often difficult. But once he'd had a minute alone, he'd usually calm down and be able to think more rationally about the situation. Often in the heat of the moment a kid this young simply can't think rationally -- emotion can completely overwhelm them.

I'm not a perfect dad, and I don't have a perfect kid. But we muddle through together on a steady diet of talk and hugs. He's 5 now, and it's a lot easier. We have a decent respect for one another, and we are able to talk about things (I started from a belief that a kid is entitled to know why decisions or rules are made, and a right to voice concerns and have them heard, but the final decision belongs to the parent). It's worked okay. I don't think spanking would have helped, much as I sometimes wanted a more forceful way of driving my point home. In the end, it would have been failing him as a parent (at least in my eyes), would have accomplished nothing positive, and would have made me feel like crap.

Deep breaths, endless patience. Hang in there. It gets easier.

[captainmushroom.livejournal.com]

Sorry, that last comment was from me. Seems I hadn't logged in, so it appeared as "anonymous."

[juthwara.livejournal.com]

This is something I struggle with a lot. As it turns out, being ignored is a fairly big trigger for my temper, and the impulse is always there to reach out physically and make her listen to me, especially when she's deliberately winding me up.

But aside from the fact that I don't believe in hitting children (which I sometimes repeat to myself as a mantra), I try to remind myself that spanking wouldn't necessarily work. There's no research showing that spanking is a more effective discipline technique, and while I suppose spanking would definitely get the attention of a child who has never get hit, she may well focus more on what was done to her than what lesson she was supposed to take away. And the one time I did lose control in a mild way - she was unbuckling her carseat while the car was moving, and after some fairly unproductive yelling and trying to keep her hands off of the buckle (after I pulled the car over), I slapped her hand - it didn't work. She burst into tears and the struggle was over for the day, but it still periodically happens.

I think the punishment you chose is a good one that follows naturally from what she did. And unlike spanking, which is over in a few seconds, it lasts for the rest of the day and continues to teach her every time she wants to go out and can't. I think in the long run, that will be far more effective.

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

Your restraint is absolutely amazing. When I was a kid, I'd get spanked for stuff occasionally. But then the last time I was ever spanked was one time when my dad tried it and I didn't cry. He stopped and said, "You're not even crying!" and I was surprised myself. It just... had no effect.

I suppose that's the second-best reason to not spank your children: It stops working. Of course, you already know the best reason: It just teaches them that hitting is ok when you're in a position of control.

I hope that I can keep the same resolve you've kept today. Congratulations, really. It does take a Mother of the Year to do what you did!

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

good for you.

*hug*

i think that papersky says good things here. i think she's right; you have to make it memorable for the kid, so they don't do [whatever] again.

in my plans which will fall apart once they hit reality, i am still wavering on whether or not spanking the kid if they do something that endangers themselves is something i'm going to do. that was always my dad's theory-- he says the last time he spanked me was just after i was all set on throwing myself under a bulldozer. (my mom's theory was different; last time she spanked me i was fifteen, and i am not for that theory.)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

in my plans which will fall apart once they hit reality, i am still wavering on whether or not spanking the kid if they do something that endangers themselves is something i'm going to do.

Not that you asked, but my thinking about that is that there's something messed-up about the fact that the only person in the whole wide world that it is considered just fine for me to hit is the one who is small, weak, and totally dependent on me.

So I am inclined against spanking, philosophically. Practically, I have studied parenting and child development research about discipline, and I know that physical punishment is not more effective than other forms of discipline.

But I still get really, really angry sometimes.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

yeah. i hear you.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well... what were her reactions to this? Does she seem to realize that she broke a major rule, and appreciate the seriousness of the situation?

If so, then I think you handled this perfectly.

But I think I can imagine how frustrating and scary that must have been. If I was in that situation, I'd have a very hard time convincing myself that she really understood, because her continued running away seemed so flagrant... but she did that before you made it clear to her just how upset you were, and how wrong it was to keep running.

[ailbhe]

Well, I'm crying. I still remember the time I hit Linnea, and so does she. And it was utterly, utterly useless from a discipline point of view.

What does work for us is counting to three and using nonviolent physical force such as holding her hand. Linnea's a born runner. I have to hold on to her a lot. I've had her in reins in a public place in the last six months. I've put her in the buggy and Emer on my back a few times. But with all of those, there's a direct connection - my action prevent her from doing her dangerous action. It keeps her safe.

I wish I'd held on to my temper the way you did yours, that day. I have done on other days, and that's good, but I wish I'd done it that day too. It is wrong for a grownup to hit a child.

[ailbhe]

Adding: she has no recollection of what she was doing that inspired me to hit her. None. As far as she's concerned, I up and hit her out of nowhere.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

IANA mom, but I want to step in and second this.

I came from an age, a culture and a household where spanking was pretty common for even minor infractions. And where major ones earned outright, welt-raising strappings with my father's military belt.

I remember the spankings. I remember the rage I felt, the unfairness, and the fear that it might do me real injury.

What I don't remember is a single one of the "lessons" I was supposed to be learning. And far from making me more compliant, over time being spanked made me unusually rebellious, because I came to think of one of my parents as a bully.

I'm certain that spanking has an effect on children. I'm equally certain it's usually not the effect the parent intends.

[ororo.livejournal.com]

Ditto, though I'm from a slightly later age. I used to get spanked by my father before bathtime up until I was four or five. "Whack" That was for x. "Whack" that was for y. (things that had happened during the day, that I might or might not remember).

On my charitable days, I say my parents didn't know better.

I'm glad you do.

[moobabe.livejournal.com]

I can totally relate. Good for you for not giving in to that impulse. She would have remembered that you smacked her, but she may not have remembered specifically WHY. One of my co-workers spanks his daughter, who is younger than Alex; he says that she says she understands that she's being spanked because she did something wrong, but then when he spanks her, she doesn't seem to make the connection. I just... yeah. Because kids are really thinking about WHAT THEY DID WRONG when they're being spanked.

[tracicle.livejournal.com]

You did exactly what I would do, and have done. But you're right, it doesn't feel like enough to have a real effect. I've smacked E when he's run into the road and that didn't seem to have any effect either aside from making him cry.

When I was little, I was only allowed out with one of those harness-and-leash sets on. I hated it so much, apparently, that I tried to chew it off. There are plenty of extreme options that only lead to anger and frustration on your and your child's behalf. I think you took the best route.

Sometimes they get so carried away in the moment they forget the rules. It's a bit like a kitten playing who gets so excited they bite, a momentary lapse. I do think you did the right thing, although it may need repeating in the future.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

You handled this PERFECTLY. Exactly as I handled the same sort of situation, and it worked for me. Wait until tonight when she is whining to go play outside and remind her that only children who listen when they're called get to go outside. When the ensuing whining and wailing happen, stand firm, and be as calm as you can. It really does work, or at least it did for me.

I've told this particular story before, but once, early in my and cute-poet-chick's relationship, we decided to take my kids (who were small, but not as small as Alex is) to the park with a friend of theirs. One of them did something in the van that we don't allow -- I don't know, hit someone or said something really mean -- and I asked cute-poet-chick to please excuse me while I turned around, dropped off the offending child with my mother, who had instructions to keep the kid inside, and went back to the park with the two kids who hadn't broken the rules. The wailing was impressive, but I'll tell you, it must have been a year before either kid acted up in public again.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

(And I will never forgive myself for the time I lost it and hit my kid. He doesn't even remember it -- he was too young -- but it will haunt me forever. I don't recommend it.)

[(Anonymous)]

I am, at least in theory, a spanking parent - but the thing about being a responsible spanking parent (if you'll grant me that that is a possibility) is that you can't just pull it out when you want to spank your child. It has to be a known consequence of a given action and the child has to be reminded that it is the consequence of that action and continue to misbehave. It's like any other kind of discipline - it has to be fair and consistent.

Frankly, in your situation, I would do exactly what you did. It's very punishment-fits-crime - you break trust and range free, you get reduced trust and reduced freedom. I think you did really well, not that you need my approbation. Or that it's worth that much, given that I said, "Oh, damnit, [Kiddo], NO" in an angry voice this morning when my toddler intentionally poured out my coffee cup all over the couch. I think I need to do at least fifty "I will not swear at my child" sentences on my parenting blackboard of shame for that one...

-nara

[txobserver.livejournal.com]

You did wonderfully by resisting your anger response and using logical consequences. When my two girls were small I battled my anger response, because I wanted to stop being a shouter, and I didn't want to spank. I took STEP parenting and belonged to a parenting group for years with the other moms from that class. Logical consequences were the key to my improvement. "When you have a tantrum in the grocery store, it disturbs other people and we can't stay here and shop", followed by leaving the basket by a cashier with a comment that I would return in a little while, and immediately leaving for the car. After doing this twice, no more tantrums. So a calm reaction stating a logical consequence and absolute consistency in carrying it out worked very well, and not surprisingly, in a couple of years it was enough to say what the consequence would be when the undesireable behavior began. However, I vividly remember a screeching incident on a city street when my nephew started to cross unsafely. It scared him, for which I was very sorry.

My second daughter was a runner, and until she was well into three I did use a vest with a leash attached in back when we were in unsafe areas (city streets, crowded public places). She hated having her hand held, but seemed to be quite happy with the limited buzzing around that the leash provided. And I had another preschooler to watch as well. But I got a few outraged comments from strangers.

[geekymary.livejournal.com]

Every time I've tried spanking it has been ineffectual. I found I was doing it to express my frustration rather than to communicate to Eddie.

And I feel stupid.

[ricevermicelli.livejournal.com]

I seriously hope, the day that Danger Lad! does what Alex did today (and that day

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

I was a no-spanking-unless-running-into-the-street parent, and it worked pretty well for me. I probably would have spanked under these circumstances, but it would have been better not to. Kids this age really don't understand why you're spanking them. You handled it perfectly.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

Spanking was pretty minor in our daily violence, but one of the reasons that I've carefully not had kids is because I'm too like my father that way. I don't think you are. I've met you a few times and read this LJ and I don't think you're really a violent person. That was an impulse, not a thought-out response to Alex' disobedience. Now you have a thought-out response. Limit her freedom and range when she doesn't come when called.

All Dad got from hurting me was being despised.

[lerryn.livejournal.com]

While not a parent, I think you handled that right. She needs to know that stop means now, but spanking her might end up making her afraid to stop when you are angry.

[aladriana.livejournal.com]

lerryn steered me here, as I'm a non-spanking parent of two.

What I learned, as a child, if I were hit, I just learned to avoid the hits, and hide what I did wrong. I did not learn the lesson.

I have never seriously hit the girls. I'm not proud of the fact that I'vce threatened it, but I've never done it. They're 10 and 14 1/2 now, and have learned from it.

They don't start fights. They have never threatened to hit me. And they both know that violence will never solve anything.

I was spanked a lot as a child, and yes, over the years I've had the urge to turn to my father's way of disciplining, and spank the girls.

I'm glad now that I haven't. It's harder not too, but in the long run, it's best for everyone. They won't resent you later, for hitting them too (as I resent my father).

You did great!

[bosssio.livejournal.com]

I came to a "no spanking" rule because I know that the only time I am tempted to spank is when I am really angry and not in full control, and that is absolutely the worst time to resort to violence.

So it is a line we don't cross.

However, it is very easy to handle a child roughly - grabbing, pulling, etc. I do this when I am very very angry - and the key is to not let myself get that angry.

Not always possible, of course. Anthony recently has been really beating up on Liam - he intentionally hit him in the head this afternoon with a plastic toy after pushing him down earlier at the pool. I get scared, angry, and frustrated all at the same time. It is overwhelming.

I think the thing with kids is that many (though not all) need something repeated A LOT before it sinks in. But to the parent, especially when the behavior is dangerous (to self or others), it is so infuriating!

I think a lot of parenting is just holding the line until they grow out of whatever annoying behavior they are going through - and hoping whatever replaces it isn't too horrible...

[chargirlgenius.livejournal.com]

I came to a "no spanking" rule because I know that the only time I am tempted to spank is when I am really angry and not in full control, and that is absolutely the worst time to resort to violence.


I am philosophically a non-spanker, but I have spanked my almost 3 year old son twice. And both times I was heavily PMSing (since my kids were born, it's affected my mood much, much more), my husband was on travel, and I'd been kicked in the head on the changing table. It was so very, very awful because I gave into the impulse at the time.

The second time, my younger son was watching, and within 5 seconds he reached over and whalloped his older brother. Within 5 minutes, the older one hit the younger one.

We're doing a lot of healing since then.

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

From where I sit you handled it absolutely perfectly, and you did something important -- you recognised the distinction between "children need to be hit" and "parents sometimes need to hit children". And even better -- you felt the need to hit Alex and you _didn't do it_. That is _spectacular_, IMO.

I grew up in a household where I was smacked (spanked), and I never remember what the smackings were for. I do remember being so terrified of my father that I tried to hide in a corner with a kitchen chair in front of me, and when he hauled me out I got twice the beating I would have, and why? Because I'd tried to defend myself. I won't visit that fear on any child.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

I've never seen a situation where spanking was beneficial. Never. For myself, it's good for me to separate my anger at being disobeyed from what the kid actually did -- that usually does the trick.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Something else I thought of when thinking about this. There's a word I use, a Welsh word, when I'm absolutely furious and I mean "Stop that RIGHT NOW!". (It literally means "You should be ashamed".) I only ever use it in the AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW context. (This means it only gets used to small children and animals.) My grandmother used to use it the same way when I was a kid. I think both when I was a kid and when I was the mother of a little kid it functioned literally as a safeword. I recognised, and little Z recognized, and even my very intelligent old cat Clo recognized, that it meant "Whoa, reconsider, pull back, this situation is serious." I think it was useful to have that word. I don't know if it's possible to have a word like that on purpose, because it has to be what you reflex come out with and sound like strong language. (Actually, emotionally it's a lot more like "What the fuck are you doing, stop it right now" than the literal "You should be ashamed", which I don't think I'd ever say in English.) But it's a tool that's done well for me and I thought I'd come back and mention it.

[robyn-r.livejournal.com]

pep talk + 10 Handled beautifully...

Non-spanking parents of 2, 3.5 yr old and 1 yr old.. 3 Year old is REALLY pushing the envelopes at the current time. Not listening, demanding all desires and bursting into tantrums when denied.

For both we've been HEAVILY tempted to hit, shake or otherwise physically deal with both, but have leaned on each other with "Here! Take this kid! I don't trust myself right now!"

Latest episode was when house-hunting of all things.. We had just finished looking at the house we got a contract on just recently, daughter was running around like a wild thing with realtor's 3 year old grand-daughter.. Both having lots of fun. While out back running out some steam, she spots a play structure with slide 3 yards over, and HAS to head for it.. Ignoring my shouts to STOP! Come back here!

I have to run after her and she has enough of a head start on me to get to the playset and slide down the slide once. I've personally found a very calm, even, determined course of action in explaining that what she just did is NOT acceptable and that she could have gotten hurt and/or lost. I then slung her over my shoulder upside-down and physically carried her all the way back and put her in her car seat. All the while she's screaming to be put down, me calmly explaining that I can't do that right now.

I was terrified that something would happen to her, remembered my love for her and dealt with her actions, not acting on my anger. I'm hoping that being slung like a sack of potatoes is the max physicality I have to employ and that it makes an impression.

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My DD runs off, too, and when she does that, she is restrained immediately and put in her buggy. I doubt smacking would work. The punishment you chose beautifully links cause and effect - if you can't trust her to come when called, you can't go out with her.