rivka | Sunday morning.

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Sunday morning.

It's Sunday morning, and I don't want to go to church.

Nine years ago, Michael and I made the decision that we are a family that goes to church whether we feel like it or not. That goes double now that we have kids in Religious Education. Church is the way it is. But I'm not feeling it, and I haven't for a while.

Well, I have a toddler. I haven't been able to sit and listen to an entire service in... yeah, it's been a while. Michael does half the Colin duty, but he does it on the weeks that I am occupied during the service teaching Religious Education. (Which by the way, I have not been enjoying at all.) We could have made a push to get Colin comfortable in the nursery, but we haven't. I confess that I don't feel particularly motivated to do it. I don't feel like I've bonded to our new minister, so I guess I've felt less of a drive to get Colin settled so that I can go hear the sermon.

Michael, of course, is hugely involved in church leadership. Hugely. He's the vice-president of the Board of Trustees and the chair of the Stewardship Committee. We're swinging into stewardship season, so church business is about to start taking even more of his time than it already does. And the Nominating Committee has asked him to stand for presidency of the congregation this coming year. They don't really have any other candidates. It's something he is called to do, and he'll be awesome at it, but I'm dreading it.

I kind of feel like, the more that Michael does at church, the less there is there for me. Church starts to feel like an obligation, something that cuts into our family time and demands that I do a lot of extra solo parenting.

I don't know. It's not like my feelings about Unitarian-Universalism have changed at all. And it's not like I don't respect the value of our church as an institution. But I don't feel like going to church is feeding me. It just feels like work.

I know there are people on my friends list who have been committed to a church or another institution for the long term. How do you handle the down cycles? Or don't you have them?

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It sounds like you're in a positive feedback loop: paying attention to Colin means you're not paying attention to the sermon, which means you're not bonding with the minister, which means you don't feel inclined to put Colin in the nursery, which leads to... [repeat loop]. Maybe you need to make a leap and just put Colin in the nursery.

The Michael thing, though, I can't really comment on. It sounds like one of those couple things that can only be worked out with open communication between the couple, involving compromise, trade-offs and mutually agreeable limits. As I'm a lifelong singleton, I can't say anything useful about that.

A couple of thought/question thingies:

- What do you most like about church when you like it? Has that changed within the past couple of years? (And next question, naturally, is "Is there a way for you to get more of that?")

- I'm wondering if something in the role you've found yourself in is feeling like it's locking you in - by which I mean, there's a certain way that 'minister's spouse' can feel disconnected from the congregation, and I know the same thing can happen to people whose spouses/partners are actively involved in other leadership roles. (And in particular, that expressing vulnerability, discomfort, need, etc. will be taken wrong and affect the church's perception of the partner, even on a subconscious level, and even if the discomfort/need/whatever has nothing to do with the partner, but instead with things like work, or other family connections/commitments.)

One of the classic solutions for this one is to find some other setting where that thing isn't in play as much - whether that's a smaller group within the church community, or something outside of the specific church community, but within the larger religious community. (Admittedly, tricky with two small children at home.) One of my solutions has always been to have online religious interactions as well as in-person ones, so that when the in person ones get to rubbing raw, I have other places to talk about specific topics.

- And finally, from more direct personal experience: when I've had those moments, I usually take a step back and go "Ok, what *would* feed me? And how do I take a break from the stuff that isn't without leaving anyone in the lurch?"

(In your case from what you said, I think taking a break from religious ed for a year might be a really smart move. Or at least doing something you enjoy more. Even if you can't make that happen immediately, having it to look forward to might help.)

If you were asking for advice, mine would have been about getting someone to take over the rest of that RE term, and then taking a break from that until there's a new bunch of kids needing OWL. But I know you weren't.

When I was growing up, I thought we are a family that goes to church whether we feel like it or not was the only way to be a churchgoer. It was a huge eye-opener to me to discover as a grownup that a socially-accepting congregation included people who sometimes skipped church because they felt like it. I don't know what that means for the people who do keep going even without immediate spiritual gratification or whatever, though.

My dad's very active in church, and my mom feels like it's *his* church, not *hers* or *theirs,* even though she has her own groups there. I will be interested to see what you come up with.

And you know that my greatest spiritual failing is that I only like church when I can sing in it. So I'd say "join the choir," if your schedule allows. My Waco choir kept me from hating church even when we had that horrible reactionary interim rector.

We are super duper engaged in our church two. We're on nursery duty every other week. I'm an elder (governing board member) and run the Hospitality committee. My husband is a trustee.

This morning, I just couldn't get myself out of bed to go. I can't remember the last time that happened. My long suffering husband took my children without me.

It's January. Everyone wants a piece of me. I get no time for myself (or at least it feels that way). There are three huge spheres of responsibility -- and none of them seem to REALIZE that I'm trying to balance them all. (Work, family and church.)

It definitely does go in waves. But in your place, I would certainly take the chance to get Colin to do nursery. Even if the sermon doesn't catch at you, imagine having 20 minutes just to sit there quietly and let your mind wander. Bliss. Hopefully, though, you discover more going on with the sermon and do find your soul being fed.

This morning, among the piles of guilt at abandoning family and church in favor of sleep, I remembered what Jesus said about the Sunday morning struggle....

"Man was not made for the sabbath, but the sabbath was made for man."

We were given a day to rest because we get really tired, and we need a break.

This morning, among the piles of guilt at abandoning family and church in favor of sleep, I remembered what Jesus said about the Sunday morning struggle....

"Man was not made for the sabbath, but the sabbath was made for man."

We were given a day to rest because we get really tired, and we need a break.

Hahahahaha! You're so funny. Sunday is the opposite of a day of rest. Either we have to show up early because someone is doing something, or there's some kind of a meeting after church, and monitoring the kids' behavior, and teaching, and and and.

Nine years ago, Michael and I made the decision that we are a family that goes to church whether we feel like it or not

Can I stop you right there?

Nine years ago, you were different people, a different family (no kids), and went to a different church (different minister/responsibilities).

I think it's wrong to allow your nine-year-younger self to run your life.

I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to go to church regularly - but to go if you don't enjoy it and don't find it inspiring makes no sense to me. And yes, it's a family decision - you all need to have a say in this, and quite possibly what you need to do is work out why church has become a chore - it sounds as if the teaching is not working out for you at all - but I feel that life decisions should be up for revision when circumstances have changed drastically.

I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to go to church regularly - but to go if you don't enjoy it and don't find it inspiring makes no sense to me.

Well, I think that you can commit to being part of a community even when it is not, at the moment, personally rewarding. It's like not getting divorced just because your marriage is going through a difficult patch.

But also, I have strong convictions about the value to my kids of being brought up within a religious community and having a Unitarian-Universalist religious education. So I might very well go to church for them even if I am not enjoying it.

There's an awful lot of territory between going to church every Sunday whether you feel like it or not, and not being part of the community. It seems like you're looking at the situation through such a thick filter of discouragement (or possibly resentment) that you see your alternatives as:
A: Doing the tiring, unfulfilling, unappreciated, work of going to church every week, just as you did when the job was easier and you found it fulfilling; or
B: Leaving this religious community, living the rest of your life without the support of an organized group that shares your values.

As Naomi suggested, you might send the kids to church with Michael and sleep late some Sundays. It's not "getting divorced just because your marriage is going through a difficult patch." It could be more like a couple under stress changing their minds about their old agreement to have breakfast together every morning.

How do people in your church connect to the community? I don't believe everybody who is connected to the community goes to Sunday morning services every week. In my own congregations, I've known people who were really active in Hadassah or Brotherhood, or the Book Group or Social Justice Committee, who only came to services on high holidays...they were solidly part of the community and everybody knew it. Your congregation may have something comparable. I don't know what, if any, of it might feel satisfying for you. Whatever you try, it's ok to dip a toe in it. You don't have to take it over and wear yourself out doing it better than they've ever seen.

I can't speak directly to the church issue, but I have committed to various institutions as part of my personal faith (although I'm not sure everyone would see it that way, this is partly why I have done it and how I view it).

When in a waning downswing, I have asked myself if I am a dry well. It is very difficult to pour out compassion or faith when I am dry. I have nothing to give, and so giving is painful. It's been my experience that others to whom I am trying to give can tell this, and so it is unhelpful of me to push myself as it does no good to them and hurts me, both.

For me, speaking again only for me, I ask myself what are the things that renew my well?

Usually, I find that the things that fill my well are withdrawing (for a time) from the wearying tasks and replacing them with other tasks that I *can* do. For instance, instead of being with the community when I'm exhausted and snappish, I dig in my vegetable garden to grow food that I know is needed. The work of my hands is integral to my faith, and working that way renews me like nothing else. It gets me in touch with the beauty of the world and it also serves a purpose and is something that I am good at.

My personal faith believes that work can be a form of prayer, so when I'm out there, kneeling in the mud and weeding, I'm praying. (I can't believe I just typed that out, as I'm rather shy about some of this stuff.) I consider that church can sometimes be helpful to faith, but sometimes not, and if it's not right now, then following an alternate path to bring you closer to faith is an acceptable and good thing to do.

I know that different people renew their faith differently. My grandmother, from whom I get a lot of my faith, can't attend church services right now because of her health. She watches mass on television instead. I'm not saying you should watch TV! But that even the most faithful and, in my gram's case, 'absolutely will attend church no matter what' rules are sometimes set aside in favor of other paths for a time, without a reduction in faith or social bonds, and can return to the previous attendence schedule later without any loss. If there's a way to renew your connection at your current church, great, but if that path isn't open to you right now, I don't feel it means it will never be open to you, and I see nothing wrong with taking an alternate approach for a time to renew yourself and find joy. I don't know what that path might be, as that's a very personal thing, so I hesitate to make any suggestions, but I think choosing something different for a time could be very beneficial and a good option, if you decide to pursue that. Or if you can find a way to reconnect in the formal methods (sermons, groups, etc), that's good, too.

Well... I can't help with church duties, but I do know down cycles.

Recently, I learned something about them that might be irrelevant to your situation, but, I'll throw it out.

Sometimes, I would do things because I had to do them. And they would make me ever more miserable, but I'd do them, because I had to, and I wasn't going to let my mental health issues prevent me.

I later realized that I was letting my mental health issues control me just as much by forcing myself to do something I was presently unsuited for, as I would be if I didn't do them because I was mildly depressed or tired. Trying to do something social because I *had* to ended badly, because I was literally too tired and depressed to socialize; I was spending huge gobs of energy, and getting nothing out of it.

I couldn't let normal lethargy keep me from doing something that fed my spirit, or that even kept up the possibility of feeding my spirit later - but I also couldn't try to force something that just wouldn't happen when I was in a really bad state. Because, doing that drained me, and, worse, it taught me bad habits - that trying to socialize was a scary, awful thing.

I finally compromised. If I skipped, say, a party because I was literally too tired and depressed, so I knew that it would hurt, and teach me bad habits, I had to spend at least part of that time thinking about why I am the way I am, and what I can do to get better. To use the time productively, on self healing, to fix the problem. It was a good mix of recognizing what my real limits were, while still acknowledging that I can't let those limits keep me from living the life I want to live.

I go to church regularly for a long list of reasons, including that it feeds me spiritually and that I enjoy the community.

I skipped church today because I had some friends in town I wanted to get together to have coffee with. Ed took the girls.

With ANY organization you're involved in, there's a necessary balance between giving and taking. I have pulled back from situations where I felt like I had gotten into the habit of putting in too much.

I did this really drastically on one occasion in college: one of my reasons for doing a study-abroad semester was that I felt like I had gotten sucked into organizational politics and drama and the best way to disengage was just to vanish completely from campus for a semester. I also just wanted to go abroad for a semester, but leaving for three months also completely disengaged me from some drama I was really glad to leave behind and when I got back I was very conscious of not re-engaging and this was a really healthy choice for me. But, also, it helped me to grasp HOW to disengage in a way that made it easier for me to do in less dramatic ways, later on.

(This was not a church community, mind you, but -- if you can believe it -- the campus office where I had my work-study job. I can look back with nostalgia now! Sigh.)

It is really, really tiring to take a toddler to church. Our church had no childcare for a long time, and then a mom joined who really wanted us to have it and (a) now we have childcare and (b) now we have lots more families with young children. The community has been very careful not to pressure people to use the childcare if they prefer to keep their kids with them, which is really nice -- it's there if you want it, but the kids are a welcome part of the community regardless.

Anyway, the basic answer to your question is that I pull back if I'm feeling drained, and lower my involvement. You have given A LOT to this organization and you have built up a bank of contributions that frankly entitle you to coast for a while if you'd like. Moreover, you should view your and Michael's contributions of time and energy as analogous to money: if it comes from Michael, it also comes from you, and (a) this means you get to object to really LARGE contributions if you think it will be bad for your family, and (b) you really do not have to volunteer AT ALL when he's doing so much, unless you really want to, because your household's obligations are being covered (and then some).

I don't think that the problem is that I am too involved and giving too much. I am actually not overcommitted at church. I teach a little less often than twice a month, and that's all I do. (Plus the pageant, which is over and which I won't do again.) The problem is more that I am uninvolved and not interested in giving.

Moreover, you should view your and Michael's contributions of time and energy as analogous to money: if it comes from Michael, it also comes from you, and (a) this means you get to object to really LARGE contributions if you think it will be bad for your family, and (b) you really do not have to volunteer AT ALL when he's doing so much, unless you really want to, because your household's obligations are being covered (and then some).

I absolutely agree with this, and for some time now I've been saying that my volunteer commitment to the church is taking care of our kids so that Michael can help run things. I don't treat that lightly, because we don't have the kind of family in which it is assumed that the mother is going to take care of the kids all the time, so it is a huge commitment from me.

But: (a) that feeds into the feeling that church is a Michael-thing and not a me-thing, and (b) no one but Michael is ever going to notice or appreciate that this is something I do that is of value to the church. Because I'm their mother, of course I take care of them.

I did get a jovial and patronizing "Thank you for lending us your husband!" from the minister once, but um. That made me feel the opposite of appreciated.

All of this makes it sound like I ought to find some kind of substantive contribution I can make to the church that doesn't involve Religious Education or childcare, doesn't it? Except that I really don't want to.

All of this makes it sound like I ought to find some kind of substantive contribution I can make to the church that doesn't involve Religious Education or childcare, doesn't it? Except that I really don't want to

No, it sounds like what would be better for you is to find a different way you could benefit from your church community - and maybe the worship services aren't going to do it for you for a while, with the combination of Colin and the minister. So if there was some kind of adult RE study that interested you, maybe you and Michael could find a way that you could go to it.

Or, maybe it's just an understandable down-time that you can decide to live through for another year, complaining on a suitable filter and practising saying no to people. I agree with you about the value of having healthy church community as part of the children's growing up routine, but with the same guidelines as having extended family in one's children's lives - you're modelling how you take care of yourself and get what you need, even when the family/community isn't perfect.

No! No no no!

I was thinking more that you should send Michael to church with the children on the Sundays you aren't teaching, and sleep in. For a month or two.

+1 on that. also, pedicure as prayer

Yes!

i think you ought to do something at the church that doesn't involve RE or childcare, and substantive contribution be, uh, damned.

community is not only about what you give to it, but what it gives to you. i'm certainly not saying that you should not do things that are useful for the community, because you do and you did, and you will. but maybe it's time for michael to get colin settled into the nursery and for you to see some whole services and see how you bond with the new minister.

I take a break until I feel called or pulled back, and engaging can be a choice freely made because I want to. Otherwise it just builds resentment.

Of course, I'm not doing it as part of a family unit. That's trickier.

I think I'd look differently at the childcare; I'd have R does childcare so M can do church work, and M does childcare so R can do church work, and the rest of the time they split it 50-50. That's how it automatically works in my head.

I don't see how you can feel connected to the whole shebang when you never get to GO. I'm having a somewhat similar experience with our Meeting, because I couldn't sit through it while pregnant and I'm not comfortable in there with an infant (not because it's not allowed, but because I'm not comfortable). We don't go when we really don't want to, though. But for me the solution is to go, to make a point of getting there on time and going in to Meeting, leaving Astrid with Rob if possible and if not, bringing her in with me.

I have made many commitments to do things whether I feel like it or not, but I've never made such a commitment that didn't come with the option of taking some vacation time, so to speak. I know that a vacation isn't by itself going to solve how you feel, but it might provide space to think about how you want to handle it.

I've been following this very closely because I'm also hitting a spell of not wanting to attend Sunday morning services.

Some of that is every time I attend lately, I'm getting asked to help with something and I don't feel I have the time or energy to spend. Some of that is pregnancy related and some is SAD related. But it's the case where if I attend, I get pounced on, asked to help, and then feel awful saying no.

Also, Sunday morning right now is my only alone time. I need my soul filled, but I also need alone time. I haven't decided which is more important.

I wish I had any other thoughts for you.

Well, with my down cycles, it's different, because I don't have husband-and-kids.

(I have a partner, but she's pagan and doesn't do Church anymore.)

So generally, I either take a break for awhile, or I Join Something Else in the church and try and refocus my faith/spiritual life via that.

(And for a few years I attended a different church, but, again, not really something you can do within your current parameters.)

With the caveat that I don't currently have a churchgoing thing happening and that I'm not precisely Christian... for me, I read. My current fav is God: A Biography by Jack Miles - I love it when things get turned upside down and this look at the Bible does that for sure. Then when I'm excited about spirituality, I'm ready to engage with other people about it.

I do wonder if some of it's toddler burnout rather than church burnout. I love my kids but I hate the toddler phase, esp the 18 mo to 2 year old era. And when I'm burnt out, I get much less tolerant of my partner's choices around his time and energy, especially the stressful public-wrangling parts. A huge extra-curricular commitment like that, as laudable as it is to support, is a family issue.

i am having a similar yet entirely different problem-- i found the unitarian church here in town where all the atheists go, and am trying to get myself to go there. however, it's all the way across town, i continue to be really quite astonishingly introverted and there are HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW THERE, there are a few "wow, msp is a small town" social weirdnesses going on with the people i do know, and the church, despite having been built recently enough to have an elevator, still wouldn't recognize accessibilty if it came up and bit it in the ass. (four story building, the elevator goes to the middle two, the main bathrooms are on the stairway landings, the handicapped parking spots are on the side of the road where you're not currently allowed to park in minneapolis, and the less used entrance where there is therefore more parking enters on the bottom floor where there is no elevator. ugh.) which is to say, i get to 9am on sunday and i think "i could get up, get dressed, go out into the cold, walk for some undetermined distance on slush, hang out with people i don't know, hope i click with some of them and make friends, orrrr i could go back to sleep." sleep has been winning a bunch, even though i am trying to remember that a) it'll be good for godot and b) in a few years i could probably teach owl which would be the coolest thing ever.

tl;dr: whine whine whine whine i feel your pain whine.

anyhow. when there's an organization that i'm committed to that's not doing it for me, i will step back, reevaluate what i'm doing, and put it at a level that works better for me. i'm about to resign from a board that i'm on because i'm really frustrated. but i'm going to continue to be involved with the organization. a few years ago i didn't work on anything at wiscon at all, because i (ha) thought godot would be here shortly, and that i would need to not be working on things because i was busy. drove me nuts; this year and last year i'm running two small departments and working on a large one. the superhuge convention here in town makes me want to tear my hair out at an organizational level, so i no longer work on it and took a year off from going to see if i missed it. i did, so now i go and try not to interact with the parts that make me crazy.

i am not sure how much of that is applicable to an every-week sort of community, rather than a once-a-year and also some other times too sort. but as you know i ramble on in the hopes that some of it will be useful to someone. ;)

I don't teach RE anymore. I am sick of teaching RE. I offer to help out, but I restrict my involvement to areas that I enjoy and have specialized expertise in.

As others have said, maybe it is time for you to take from your community rather than measuring your involvement by how much you give. You have already given a lot. I think you deserve a break.

First, wow, maybe Michael should say he'll do two jobs but not three! How many meetings a month is he already going to? There really isn't any room for you to do much without sacrificing what family time you have left. That's not good because you sound really happy when you are involved in something you enjoy at church.

Church with small children is just rough. It takes so much energy just to get everyone there, and then it seems like all you do while you're there is childcare- which is easier to do at home! We have a general policy that if we're exhausted, we stay home and have a lazy breakfast, but if one person has the energy they take the kids and give the other one a chance for some alone time.

The worst dry spells I get at church are usually when I feel like I'm not getting to interact with any of my friends because of working in the nursery and chasing my own kids around. I also hate it that my husband and I rarely get to sit together during worship because of our various jobs and the demands of the kids. Church is something we have always done together, so I miss that.

Do you have a coffee hour after the service? Would it help if Michael took charge of the kids then so that you can talk to people? When I don't particularly like a pastor, it's the hanging out with folks afterward that makes me keep coming to church.

We have three preschoolers two of whom sit through/participate in the service with us. At our former church (conservative Mennonite) there was no childcare so we had them all in the service. There was a room for nursing mothers, changing diapers, etc. in which we could hear the sermon, and it wasn't uncommon for one of the children to sit with a family friend for part of the service. Yes, I missed a lot of sermons. It was frustrating, and visiting after church didn't work well (2/3 of the congregation was under the age of 12 so child-monitoring was important).
Since we moved we're attending an Episcopal church with childcare so the one year old goes there. The 2 and 3 year old come to church with us. In the Episcopal service there's a lot going on and we sit in a front pew so they can see. We've practiced some things at home (The Lord's Prayer, The Nicene Creed and other things that are repeated every week). We also practice sitting and standing still (I've found that this is a good centering thing for them to learn anyway). During the sermon they each have a notebook and a pencil. I try to write in their notebooks or give them dots to connect or something ahead of time.
Some Sundays they do really well and some Sundays not as well. I find it really helps if we've not had to scramble too much to get there, so I try to do the things that make leaving in the morning easier (like baths, and laying clothes out the night before).
The biggest thing that has helped in the "dry spots" though is making sure that I am engaging in daily spiritual practice both myself and with the children. It seems like church does very little for me without the daily practice of prayer etc.

It's hard. I'm really not liking the current preacher at my church, either, but what's keeping me going are the other people there. I don't know if that's going to work forever. The one thing I do regularly is watch the kids after church -- we have a library / resource room, which includes a TV and a lot of kids' videos and some toys, so I usually let the first kid back there pick a movie (VeggieTales, etc.), and they come and go, build with the Duplos, etc. The kids and others miss me when I'm out of town, and that helps me stay connected, too. But I think about visiting around to other local churches, and I'll most likely take some time to do that eventually.

I think I'm getting two things (my interpretation) out of this:

1) Not bonding to new minister. I'd want to know why - is it personality, direction, or incompatibility in another way? For me bonding only takes a second - I'm not sure (for me!) toddler-wrangling would interfere w/ bonding, though it would interfere w/ enjoyment of the sermon, personal reflection, etc.

2) Not participating to your current degree of involvement, though it's onerous to you, is unacceptable and constitutes quitting the community. Why does taking time for yourself, taking a break/vacation, setting boundaries or and refusing to spend the precious little family time that you have mean that you're quitting? And are there other ways you can participate in this community that fulfill your requirements socially, personally, and within your family that don't suck? (Because not-work turning into work - sucks.)

Thank you for asking this and for writing it out publicly - it's something I've struggled with (though not in a church context) in different areas and I don't have an answer. It takes balls to ask the question - and I'm enjoying the comments you've generated very much.

Just though I'd mention, there've been four Sundays since this post too (since you're on a posting roll the last couple of days).

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Sunday morning.

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